January 16, 2007
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore
HUGH: God, I hate the bloody blow dryers in the bathroom. Some prat turned it upside down and it completely messed up my hair.
DREW: Don't worry, Hugh, you still look like the kind of destiny that smells like flowers.
HUGH: Er, thank you. And it's very nice to see that you're propping things up this year as well. Nicely done.
DREW: Well, I wanted to be the architect of my own dreams.
HUGH: I see. And in this case, your dreams are your breasts.
DREW: And my breasts are my dreams. It's beautiful harmony in a brassiere.
HUGH: I'll say. Because... I mean... bit of a disaster there last year, eh?
DREW: I think people were just startled to see the full extent of my feminine expression coming to blossom.
HUGH: I think they were probably more startled to see them express themselves down by your knees.
DREW: But this year, pink is my soul aura. I truly feel as though I've been touched by cotton-candy angels.
HUGH: Indeed, and your aura looks lovely on you. Congratulations on a lesson well learned. Although you might want to put on some sunscreen -- the rays from your soul glow appear to be giving you rather a tan.
DREW: No, it's just my radiant spirit ballerinas pirouetting through my skin. This dress, this night, it all feels like flossing my teeth with tiny threads of joy.
HUGH: Quite. Now I must dash -- I'm suddenly in desperate need of a scotch.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Heidi Klum
Insert obligatory bit about how beautiful Heidi Klum is, how much we enjoy Project Runway, and how much we want her and Seal to make it here. But:
Last time we saw this outfit, Princess Leia was informing Obi Wan Kenobi that he was her only hope. To be totally honest, it really doesn't work without the ear-buns.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Beyonce
If you'd asked me two days ago what Beyonce Knowles might wear to the Golden Globes if she were feeling terribly predictable, I'd have said, "Probably something low-cut and gold -- really sparkly. With a slit. And a big ol' weave."
Looks like Fate tipped its Magic 8-Ball over and saw that it said, "Signs Point To Yes."
It's not that she doesn't look beautiful; she does. She's Beyonce. Being a knockout with a hot body is her trademark. But don't you feel like you've seen this before? I mean, on her, not just in the Pier 1 Imports upscale gift-wrap section? And don't you wonder why, precisely, it makes that tiny wee gap in the front just under her cleavage? And then do you think that maybe she's wearing it because it's secretly made of 1,000 mashed-up Golden Globe trophies and the blood of a unicorn, all as part of a voodoo ritual intended to bag her a victory and a surprise Oscar nomination? And for the Oscars themselves, do you wonder what the odds are that Miss B will wear a dress made of Jennifer Hudson's mashed-up Golden Globe and the blood of Jamie Foxx? Indeed, do you wonder if the scene-stealing Dreamgirl is going to find a beheaded chicken on her doorstep one day this week? Can Beyonce get an Oscar nod when she was outacted by her false eyelashes? And what was the wig and cosmetics budget for Dreamgirls, anyway?
Sigh. So many questions.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Cameron Diaz
"Why, HELLO, Justin!
That's right: this is what I would have looked like if we'd gotten married. You're not hallucinating: I AM dressed as your lunatic bride. Later tonight, when you're walking out to your car, you might see me sneaking down the street behind you, holding something sharp. I'm not saying that you will. I'm just saying you MIGHT. Yes, I lost my other strap climbing up that vine outside your window this morning. I wanted to see what you were wearing. I like it. You could have worn that to our wedding. I know I always said I didn't want to get married. Maybe I was just saying that so I seemed like that totally cool girl who didn't care about getting married, because not caring about getting married went better with my reputation as That Girl Who Farts In Front of You and Watches Sports and Dances in Boys Underwear, but maybe I was lying, Justin. Did you ever think of that? Do you ever think about anything? DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF?
Anyway, yes. This is what I would have worn to our wedding. The happiest day of your life, that isn't going to happen anymore. How do you feel, knowing that now you're not going to have the happiest day of your life? Does it feel GOOD? DOES IT? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
So. Have a nice night at the Globes. I'm going to. I might just grab a PA and drive to Vegas and make an honest woman of myself. YOU DON'T KNOW."
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Sean "Diddy" Combs
It took all his self-restraint to keep Diddy from decking the celebrity assistant who snapped her fingers and asked for a pitcher of water and some coat-check cards. It would be the last time he borrowed anything from the hotel restaurant's maitre d', no matter how much his twins had spit up on his first jacket.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Mia Maestro
Obviously, the benefits to Mia Maestro's dress are multifold:
a) She doesn't need to carry a bag, as she can store an entire shopping bag's worth of paraphernalia in any one of her poofy layers
b) She will never suffer from the dreaded Numb Butt so often associated with events where you are required to sit for hours and hours, as her many poofy layers will act as a comfy cushion for her delicate behind
c) She can easily use one of those top layer flaps as a napkin, should she lose one. This is always convenient at a cocktail party, when you find yourself holding a giant prawn on a skewer in one hand and two glasses of champy in the other. If your napkins are attached to your boobs, that problem is solved.
d) Bloated? No problem!
e) Pregnant? No one will ever know!
f) Smuggling an Olsen? It'll just be your little secret.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Cate Blanchett
Even with that Madonna-chic lace sausage-casing around her arms, my least favorite thing about Cate's gown is the uneven hem. It's the fashion equivalent of a mullet: party in the front, business in the back. And let's face it -- where Fergie's gone, others should fear to tread.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Rosanna Arquette
I understand that I may be the only person in America who watches According to Brian, or What About Brian? or Where Are The Kumquats, Brian? or whatever that show with WhatsHisName from 7th Heaven is called. Anyway, because none of you are watching it, none of you know that Rosanna Arquette is on this show, as Brian's sister who just had a baby. Now, if you were to only see her on the red carpet here, you would think, "there's NO WAY that old lady is having any babies any more."
She's 48 in real life, but this unfortunate Mother-of-the-Bride jobber gives her an extra 20 years. And if 30 is the new 20, then 48 is the new 38 and she looks like the old 68, which means she's somehow transformed herself into her own mother, which is really not the kind of "Red Carpet Transformation!" US Weekly is always chattering about.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Sienna Miller
While it pains us to admit that we rather like Sienna Miller's dress -- the bodice looks like it's been painted with the kind of gold leaf used on expensive chocolates, which is actually a compliment, because we have never met an expensive chocolate we didn't adore -- we are really not terribly fond of her sloppy milkmaid-who-just-rolled-in-the-mountain-glen-with-a-randy-goatherd coif. We're all for clandestine trysts, but alpine afterglow isn't perhaps the most ideal red-carpet fashion statement.
Unless she's trying to communicate slyly that if you have something to be milked, her skilled fists can take care of it. If that's the massage -- oops, er, I mean message -- then, well, she'll be the most popular wench at the barn.
Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Elizabeth Perkins
What this photo doesn't show is the burst of flames and smoke that facilitated Elizabeth Perkins's appearance on the red carpet; the broomstick she rode in on; Fritz or Franz, her flying monkeys; her cauldron; or the argument she had with Melvin, her stylist, who told her that wearing the traditional robes of the Witches of Endor would give away her big secret.
Listen to Melvin, Elizabeth: He has your best interests in mind.