March 11, 2008
Fug or Fab The Cover: Hilary Duff
We've gotten several emails about this cover, but I have to admit that when I got it in the mail the other day, I didn't really think much of it, other than, "The orange and pink together is SO Lucky. Is that Hilary Duff? I wonder what she's been up to. Do we have any ice cream?" Now that I look at it more closely, of course, I must concur with the kind reader who pointed out that her lipstick appears to be a new shade from Revlon called Dead Like Me. As for the rest of it, well...what do you think?
October 08, 2007
Fug the Film Set: Hilary Duff
Hilary Duff's latest project is apparently called Greta, and the IMDb summary claims it's the touching tale of a waitress who falls for an ambitious chef -- "but as their love blossoms, she has to overcome the concerns of her grandparents," who clearly don't understand that having a hot dude who will cook for you is, like, the Holy Grail of booty calls. Separately, my fascination with this movie just shot up several notches to "existent" once I saw that IMDb claims both Ellen Barkin and Ellen Burstyn are in the film. I've decided they're either they're playing lesbian grandparents -- one of whom is strangely young -- in a really progressive movie, or that whoever filled in the page for this movie couldn't remember which "Ellen B" was supposed to be in it and just put them both down for shits and giggles. And, well, obviously those two fine ladies would compete for roles, because they bring exactly the same qualities to the table. Like talent. And vaginas.
And frankly, we'd like to see them both fight for it. Imagine the differently layered scenes we'd get as Granny NoCharacterNameYet scolds Hilary-as-Greta for twirling around town in what appears to be a yellow bikini under a Forever 21 halter, further stuffed underneath a glorified Yuletide tutu that makes her look about four feet tall.
We imagine Burstyn would skitter around the kitchen making cornbread while sassily lecturing her granddaughter on wearing petticoats out in public. Conversely, Barkin -- annoyed that she's playing a grandmother at all -- would simply pour herself into a tight dress, fluff up the ladies, and suck on a martini-soaked olive while purring, "Listen, Stumpy. You're not in a music video. Scrap the moldy old prom dress and start living each day like it's 'Skin To Win' season. Your legs are depending on you." And, no offense to Burstyn, we'd rather see that movie.
Unless they can convince the producers to cast Barkin as Burstyn's daughter, in which case, they should've just confused the hell out of everyone by casting Ellen Page in the Duff role, making Ellen DeGeneres her aunt, pitting them all in a battle of (t)wits against obnoxious restaurant hostess Ellen Pompeo and the evil owner, NFL tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. The winner? Helen Hunt, because there was no room for her in this debacle.
September 27, 2007
Whenever I look at this picture of Taryn Manning, the first thing I think is that I could resurrect my 2004 Hilary Duff Halloween costume and we could go together as Hilary Through The Ages.
And then I realized that Taryn is already kind of two Hilary eras in one. From the waist up, she's Latter-Day Duff, with the floaty yet trendy shirt, the godawful hat, and the dark hair that occasionally looks like it's been out in the rain and hastily re-dried with one of those hand-blowers in the women's room.
And on the bottom, she's 2004-05 Duff, back when she never hemmed her pants. I mean, on the whole the outfit is kind of trendy, I guess, but SERIOUSLY, honey, tailor those jeans. Do you not understand the power of a cute shoe? Even Hilary knows that.
Not that I have nothing against Hilary Duff -- she hasn't humiliated herself in the tabloids (even that Lohan feud was mostly on Lohan's part), she hasn't dated anyone who makes us want to brush our teeth since that time we saw her at a bowling alley in Studio City making out with Aaron Carter, and I can't resist Raise Your Voice if it's on (in part because that British kid is super cute, and in part because the dubbing job on some of her singing is hilariously obvious... and then also, it's fun to wonder how drunk John Corbett and Rebecca De Mornay had to get at the end of the day to bleach out memories of their participation) -- but Taryn here is looking like a Value Village version of her, and well, we already have a Discount Duff. Her name is Haylie, and she needs the job more than Taryn does. Don't you think?
August 20, 2007
When did Hilary Duff turn into Beyonce?
Sure, there are worse things you could turn into -- like a newt, or Britney -- but it's a tad incongruous to see the Duffster strutting around on stage like she's just risen from the ashes of the Knowles Family Goodwill pile.
July 16, 2007
Why Sitting on a Tall Stool In a Mini-Skirt Holding a Tee-Shirt-Wearing Dog Makes for an Awkward Photo Op by Miss Hilary Duff:
And if you enjoyed that, please pick up the sequel: How It Is Surprising Hilarious When The Poof on the Front of Your Dress Makes It Look Like Your Dog Is Wearing An Elaborate Neck-Bonnet of Some Sort.
May 21, 2007
You know how sometimes, there's like a really awkward pause in conversation? Like when you comment that you really hate clowns and your boyfriend shirtily informs you that HIS PARENTS ARE CLOWNS! And then no one knows what to do and everyone just stares off into middle distance and feels offended and/or embarrassed and just generally at a loss? And you're just desperate for something else to talk about? Anything? Why don't you bring up the fact that Katherine McPhee and Hilary Duff seem to be turning into each other, and ask your clown-raised lover which of them ought to be more concerned about it?
April 02, 2007
Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Hilary Duff
Hilary Duff has been looking so much better lately. She's gotten a little needed meat back on her bones -- her giant veneers look much better and less Wererabbit-y when she has more flesh on her chin -- and she's developed a pretty reliably chic sense of style. She's also working an edgier brown hair color, she's got an album that's juicily pertinent to her breakup with Joel Madden (so even though she can't sing, we are guaranteed to want to listen to some of it), and let's face it, even if she secretly is a big ol' cokehead cow, we have to respect her for being that privately and not rubbing our noses in it by rubbing her nose all over the toilets in Hyde.
But for every ten steps forward, there is always one skid back, and La Duff is no exception.
I'm not always huge on yellow simply because I can't wear it myself without looking like I'm diseased, but with the dark hair Hilary can pull it off, and the dress itself is sweetly retro. But the problem is, she's forgotten that she has no neck. Which is fine; many people don't. I'm not exactly a swan myself. But when you are short on neck, you need to be long on caution, and avoid dresses that choke up on it and make what little you have disappear. This one does that and more, pulling awkwardly around her shoulders and chest, giving off the effect that she has eagerly and carelessly tied a large napkin around her neck in anticipation of the messiest lobster dinner in history.
Maybe she's just still depressed about breaking up with Joel Madden. Perhaps she needs a rebound guy -- someone better. That Shia Le Boeuf kid seems popular. The dude who was in Mean Girls is dreamy. What's Josh Hartnett up to these days? Or better, Jake Gyllenhaal? They're in different fame and talent leagues, but maybe it'd be a cross-caste romance the likes of which we haven't seen since Romeo and Juliet defied their warring families. Of course, SPOILER, those wacky kids died in the end, so we'll need to avoid too many story similarities. Still, give it some thought, Hil, if you need a nice diversion. Just ignore any advice from the Olsen twins or else you'll be dating a shady 38-year old "club promoter" and nobody wants that.
March 29, 2007
Now that Hilary Duff's new teeth are fixed -- or she grew into them, or whatever -- I actually think she's been looking really hot, especially with her darker hair. Which is why this scrolldown is so very tragic:
It's like, casual, casual, casual, an extra in the Love is a Battlefield video, the floor. And while Hilary is certainly quite cute, Pat Benatar she is not.
December 07, 2006
Fug the Cover: Hilary Duff
Lush Magazine is actually pretty cool. And yet, they've decided that the best way to style Hilary Duff is to make it look like she's sticking her head into one of those cardboard figurines you find on the boardwalk that make you look like you're a bodybuilder or a bearded lady or whatever:
Seriously. That hair is not now, nor has it ever been, attached to her head, or the head of another human being.
Also, she should get someone to take a look at that thing growing out of her neck.
October 31, 2006
Hilary Duff has done a nice job remaking herself recently into a more stylish, sleek version of the child star who favored 80 necklaces at once and rarely displayed any evidence of having a neck.
Having given her that credit, though, please allow us to pick a nit.
If she would just please learn to stand up straight and quit the coy shoulder-hunch, perhaps the thought floating through my head right now would be, "She looks lovely in that gown," rather than, "She looks so uncomfortable in that heavy bedspread."