June 04, 2007
Welcome home, Lil' Kim.
Yes, she's been out of the pokey for a while now. But she's been looking pretty consistently covered and cute since her prison stay, to the point where I'd almost started to believe the fug had been slammered right out of her.
Oh, me of little faith. I should have known she'd return to form eventually. I mean, this is Lil' Kim. If you offer Lil' Kim a sheer mini-robe two sizes too small, a belt that looks like a skin infection, and glittery pasties shaped like Texas, she is going to take them and run. That's like dangling a sloppy-haired foreign shipping heir in front of Paris Hilton. Lil' Kim is only one woman; she has only so much will power, and so very much history of being as naked as possible.
I blame the Pussycat Dolls. Lil' Kim was a judge on The Pussycat Dolls Barely Showed Up Enough To Quality As Presenting: The Search For The Next Faceless Bandmember, and while it was awesome to hear her be all, "You think staying up late to rehearse is hard? Girl, I went to PRISON," I do also suspect all that semi-nude writhing made her miss her glory days of being America's most reliably exposed torso.
September 01, 2006
VMA Post Party Fug: Lil' Kim
Welcome back to the world, Lil'. We're thrilled to see that doing hard time in the pokey hasn't blunted your erogenous zones' need for unimpeded ventilation. I mean, without the constant threat of being exposed to your fabric-averse ladyparts, where would the fun be?
October 29, 2004
Goodbye Fug -- For Now: Lil' Kim
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Lil' Kim.
I know. I can't believe it either. No breasts hanging out. No crotch-shots. No ass cheeks. Almost no skin at all! In fact, I would almost dub this outfit overly demure, if I wasn't scared of sending her back over the precipice to Hootch Canyon. Instead, I raise a glass of Cristal to you, Kim, and congratulate you on cleaning up so nicely. I'm not wild about the bangs, but I love the shoes and overall, you look adorable. Adorable, and clean. Well played, my dear. I'm so proud.
October 12, 2004
You Try And Come Up With Another Pun For Lil' Kim
I don't even know anymore.
It's not like I'm surprised. It's more like I'm wondering when we're actually going to see her entire vagina. I'm about to start taking bets. I'll take the under on 6 months. Who's in?
September 30, 2004
The Fugly In Red
To the inventor of what is apparently industrial-strength boob tape:
Lil' Kim has taught the world a lot of important lessons. For example, as long as there is a swatch of fabric somewhere on your person, then technically you are considered clothed and fit for public consumption. Or, as demonstrated above, that as long as something encircles part of your arm and is somehow connected to the rest of the outfit, then that thing can be considered a sleeve. My life will not be the same.
But I owe you a debt of gratitude, because without your marvelous double-sided invention, the world could not safely learn these lessons. We wouldn't be able to study at her School of Skank, because we'd be forced to behold Lil' Kims nipples while she's teaching, and that is considered the leading potential cause of blindness and/or insanity. So thank you, kind sir or madam. You are the real hero. You are the reason she can wear her wrist on a red fabric leash without also letting the dogs out; your tape is the Breast Police, and it is blessedly unafraid of making arrests.
God bless you and keep you.
September 10, 2004
New York Fugshion Week: Lil' Kim
Ever wondered what a bottle of Pepto Bismol would look like if it had even less subtlety, and mated with an insect of some kind?
August 30, 2004
VMA Fug Carpet: Lil' Kim
I was going to compliment Lil' Kim on her relative modesty this year, considering that only 98 percent of the total acreage of her breasts was visible to the public. Not a nipple in sight. But then I caught a full-body shot of her arrival:
In that dress she looks like some kind of deranged peacock-turned-synchronized swimmer. Also:
Dear Lil' Kim:
Congratulations. You have a vagina. But you know what? So do I. Yet when I'm in public it somehow, magically, manages to stay inside my pants. If you would like some tips on vaginal concealment, I suggest that you contact some professionals -- like, say, Diane Keaton's stylist. I think that person could teach you a lot.
July 30, 2004
Can I Get A Fug Fug?
The thing I like best about Lil' Kim is her delicate grasp of decorum and modesty.