May 27, 2008
Dare To Fug Me
I'm pleased Lindsay Lohan is apparently booking a few jobs that give me headline material for whenever we want to feature her. And I think I'm supposed to settle for being pleased that she is not wearing leggings here.
However, I'm distinctly NOT pleased that she's forsaken the Spandex Scourge in favor of looking like somebody dug her out of their attic, shampooed her, and then brought her to Antiques Roadshow to find out if Marie Antoinette ever sat on her at a state dinner.
I would suggest that maybe her mom could stop gallivanting around being gross and trying to turn her youngest kid into a new meal ticket, but alas, I'm pretty sure Dina's influence would only cause Linds to streak on some leg bronzer and throw on some even CLUMSIER makeup, all part of the Lohan Matriarch's effort to make sure her kids look so prematurely old that she could pass as their younger sister. Sigh. Maybe Lindsay learned her lesson about unflatteringly short skirts when she wasn't allowed to sit down anywhere without a cater-waiter performing a panty check; however, in the wrong hands that could be interpreted as a dating strategy, so I should probably just give up hope and go meditate on lunch.
May 12, 2008
Fug or Fab (or Feh): Lindsay Lohan
So, it seems that LiLo's leggings line is actually happening. I swear to God, I thought the whole thing was a joke. I am going to continue to believe that, actually, if only to save my own already fragile sanity. But at least she's stopped showing up places wearing them ALL THE TIME:
I don't hate the top, I love the shoes, I am amused that her jeans are as leggings-esque as possible, and I am not going to talk about the tan, the blonde Dina hair, or the so-1998 "Lindsay" charm necklace. Maybe she's just wearing that because she's really stoked about the Sex and the City movie, and tomorrow we'll see her out and about with a giant flower pinned to her label and a tutu skirt, making out with a picture of Chris Noth. She looks... fine. I guess. I don't know. I'm in that place with Lindsay where I am psychologically conditioned to care but kind of don't anymore. I think they call that closure.
April 29, 2008
I Fug Who Killed Fug
Oh, Lindsay. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Lindsay. Lindsay. Lindsay.
Yes, I am so glad you're not wearing Those That Shall Not Be Named. But must you replace Them with something that makes you look weirdly as though you're wearing one of Disney's Teacups? Is THIS how you're attempting to get back into The Mouse's good graces (because, dollface, I think that relationship is probably seriously unsalvageable)? You just look droopy, babe. (I'M TALKING ABOUT HER HAIR, YOU PERV. Er, mostly. A wee bit of tailoring on those straps wouldn't go amiss, but you didn't hear it from me.) Also, white shoes? For seriously? You make me sad. AGAIN.
April 03, 2008
Oh, Lindsay. Sweet child o' mine, why do you insist on looking like an 80s hair band reject carrying his girlfriend's handbag?
Why? Why? So many questions. Why do you go out looking like this, and then turn around and do something like this? You are so charmingly Cady From Mean Girls in that clip. YOU'VE STILL GOT IT IN YOU! Why are you TOYING WITH ME like this? So many mixed messages! I can't take it! God, when will I find a starlet who doesn't play me like this? WHEN?
Also, it's mean to make Samantha Ronson walk ten paces behind you. I guess she and I can talk about it in LohanHab. AGAIN.
March 17, 2008
Lindsay Lohan Leggingwatch 2008: Why Is She F'ing With Us?
LINDSAY LOHAN: Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan
CLAUS HJELMBAK: And I'm Claus Hjelmbak. I throw parties. Or something like that. Wikipedia won't tell you, so don't look. But no matter what I do, you have to admit that "Claus Hjelmbak" is a very cool name.
LINDSAY: I'd like to direct your attention to my legs. There are no leggings on them.
CLAUS HJELMBAK: You'd never ever call me "Claus," if we were friends. You would always refer to me as "Claus Hjelmbak." It's that kind of name.
LINDSAY: Also, I have managed to have a red-esque hair color for more than a week. Admit it: you're totally f'ing stoked about this.
CLAUS HJELMBAK: Claus Hjelmbak told Lindsay he didn't want to see any leggings at his party. None! And, for the record, Claus Hjelmbak doesn't believe that Lindsay is ACTUALLY coming out with a line of leggings. Claus Hjelmbak thinks this is all going to turn out to be part of that new Ashton Kutcher show where celebrities place fake stories in the media so that people learn that the media runs fake stories, or whatever that show is ostensibly about, other than potentially making it even harder for PR people to create believable fake celebrity romances for press. Claus Hjelmbak doesn't believe any of it! Also, I have suddenly decided to speak in the third person. Let's all do that tonight! It'll be fun!
LINDSAY: You talk a lot. Can we just focus on the fact that I'm wearing a dress? And not my leggings? Or anyone's leggings? No leggings at all!
CLAUS HJELMBAK: Yeah. It's kind of a BORING dress, though.
LINDSAY: GOD. YOU GUYS ARE SO F'ING HARD TO PLEASE. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I HATE EVERYONE. SERIOUSLY.
March 05, 2008
I Fugged Who Fugged Fug
Can ANYONE wear a skirt covered in traffic signs without prompting snarky, 8th-grade level cracks from the peanut gallery? Both "One Hour Parking By Permit Only" and "Two Way Traffic" are hilarious messages to have splashed across your junk, if you're playing to the juvenile (as I always am). I can only hope that such roadside hits as "Stop," "No Right on Red,"and "Slow Children At Play" make an appearance on her butt.
February 29, 2008
Fug the Cover: Lindsay Lohan
The Setting: The offices of Paper Magazine
The Players: Two staffers: a stylist, and an editor
The Topic: Lindsay Lohan's upcoming cover shoot:
THE EDITOR: Do you really think she'll wear this?
THE STYLIST: Sure!
EDITOR: Is this a robe, or a tunic?
STYLIST: Sort of six of one, half-dozen of the other.
EDITOR: It's knee-length...
STYLIST:...with this crazy high-slits up the side. Cute, right?
EDITOR: Yeah. I'm just worried it might be too...
EDITOR: Yes. Considering the subject.
STYLIST: Have you ever worked with Lindsay?
STYLIST: Oh, honey. Don't worry. She'll find a way to make it look like she hasn't got any pants on, come hell or high water.
EDITOR: I don't know whether to be relieved by that or not.
February 28, 2008
Lilo LeggingsWatch2008: A Ray of Hope
It's been a head-scratching time for all of us, trying to figure out exactly WHY multiple Razzie Award winner Lindsay Lohan persists in squeezing herself into The Lycra Scourge during every waking and/or daylight hour. Is she ashamed of her legs, somehow? Are they nocturnal?
Apparently we can cross both of those off the list. Behold her leaving traffic school:
[Photo: Splash News]
Maybe she realized wearing leggings in a classroom would be an impediment to anyone else learning anything about driving, as all they would do is ask her nosy things like, "Seriously, how many pairs of those do you own? What is wrong with you? Have you fired your mother yet?"
However, now we have a potential new slippery slope to monitor. Remember when Britney Spears did nothing but wander around town in crinkled, ratty, miniscule denim cut-off shorts, replete with Cheeto crust and Federline residue and the muck of a thousand gas-station bathrooms, and it looked like they hadn't been laundered in about six years? These shorts of Lindsay's are rather evocative of those. Hopefully there is no kind of filthy, deranged thrall that jean-shorts can cast over a young mind. At the first sign of an orange fingerprint or a backup dancer, someone needs to intervene -- although if she shows up on TV with a flesh-toned bodysuit and a giant snake, let's wait and see how it plays out, because that could get interesting.
February 15, 2008
Lindsay Lohan LeggingsWatch2008: Part Fendi
Well, it had to end. At the Fendi store opening, LiLo had on a dress, but the next day when she returned to shop, she hit up the Kaiser's newest lair in these:
[Photo: Splash News]
OF COURSE. I'm starting to wonder if she was wearing them under that dress the entire time.
Also: Nice makeup, there, Linds. That is some seriously messy, heavy, uneven slap she's spackled onto her face, and it's making her look unusually toothy -- like a deranged Easter Bunny caught gnawing on his own chocolate-egg stash. Do we think this is last night's face touched up desperately before a shopping spree? Or are her friends just like, "Oh, yeah, Lindsay... [snicker] ... it's great, totally great... [snort]... maybe MORE... hahaha, ahem, I mean, have some of my blush"? You'd think she could've checked her makeup in the sheen emanating from those dastardly leggings, but with this one, you'd think a LOT of things might've happened differently.
February 14, 2008
Fug Or Fab: Lindsay Lohan
On the pro side: no leggings. Red-esque hair. Mesmerizing cleavage:
On the con side: well....those giant tulle doily hip-wings come to mind, don't they?