August 06, 2007
Oh, M-K. Just a few days ago, I was singing your praises. And now, like a rebellious child chafing under the approval of a parent you would prefer to annoy, you have chucked your clean cheeriness right out the window and replaced it with a variety of items that I'm pretty sure you found crumpled in a series of increasingly mustier balls underneath your bed:
Speaking of balls, there's something about your hat/hair combo which reminds me weirdly of former Mischa Barton lover Cisco Adler:
Now that I think about it, adding a little Cisco to your life -- as a boyfriend, a stylistic inspiration or (HEAVENS FORFEND) the both -- is probably an incredibly effective way to irk the parents or parental figures in your life (plus is cheaper than drugs, smarter than getting arrested, and more advisable than attempting to bleach your toddler's teeth). I hate to give selfishly-motivated man-advice, doll, but it might be easier on everyone's eyeballs if you channeled your rebelliousness into the dudes rather than the duds. (See what I did there? Apparently, it's Corny Wordplay Monday.)
August 02, 2007
Full Fug/Well Played: Mary-Kate Olsen
I have a couple of questions about Mary-Kate Olsen's look here. 1) Is that a man's Hanes tee shirt, or one of the super expensive tee shirts from her fashion line, The Row? 2) If it IS one of the super expensive tee shirts from The Row, why does it look so much like a man's Hanes tee shirt? 3) The crucifix is very classic Madonna, and I can't dock a girl for that, can I? 4) While I'd never expect to see M-K show up somewhere in a frilly party dress -- and don't want to. It's not her style -- and I'm pleased that she's showing some skin and not draped in pile of fluttering robes, will we ever see her legs, do you think?
The final question is mostly rhetorical:
5) Seriously, how cute is she when she smiles? I don't know if I've seen a picture where M-K looked this happy since...well, practically ever. Now, everyone knows I'm not a huge fan of Heidi Milkmaid Braids, but her make-up is fabulous and she looks healthy and happy and it's all rather refreshing, no? Here's hoping she banishes the old pouty duck face expression and harsh lipstick for good.
March 05, 2007
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are:
A) pixie-sized vampires, carrying cut-glass vials of human blood in their bags, which they mix with vodka to approximate cosmopolitans at parties.
b) pixie-sized zombies, wearing long skirts and sleeves to conceal their rigor-mortis-ravaged limbs.
c) pixie-sized superfans of The Cure!
d) screwing with us.
January 31, 2007
BOB: It's so nice to be here with the twins now that they're legal. And still talking to me. I mean, seriously, these are good kids. You don't see Stamos here, do you? No. But they are.
MARY-KATE: I wish Stamos were here.
ASHLEY: Bitch STOLE MY LIPSTICK.
BOB: Although... you know what, I wonder if I should have a talk with Mary-Kate. She's basically wearing a boxer's robe. And that's messed up -- I mean, if anyone tried to fight her, they'd get a KO just by sneezing on her hard.
ASHLEY: Seriously, I can't believe she stole that. We don't HAVE to be LIPSTICK TWINS, beeyotch. You already have MY FACE without my permission.
MARY-KATE: Stamos loves a red lip. He told me that. He was talking about someone his own age, but whatever -- we're soulmates. I knew what he meant.
BOB: And also, she really needs to get her roots done. Like, I'm happy to see her, but the reverse skunk stripe thing is annoying the crap out of me.
ASHLEY: At least I did my makeup without scribbling on my face with a black crayon.
MARY-KATE: When Stamos is here, he always takes me into a corner and wipes all the smeared eyeliner from underneath my eyes. It's the most special time I ever spend with another person. Why else would I show up in public looking like this?
BOB: I'm not good at these kinds of talks. I wish Stamos was here. Everyone listens to that sexy bastard. Even I can't stay mad at him.
ASHLEY: I'm totally texting Stamos later -- he'll understand. He'll feel my pain.
MARY-KATE: I can't believe Stamos didn't show. Sigh. Smile through the heartbreak, Mary-Kate.
ALL: Oh, Stamos.
January 17, 2007
Golden Globes Post-Party Fug: The Olsen Twins
This is about as much collective joy as I've ever seen on the faces of perenially pouty Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Aside from being thrilled she remembered her black tube top to wear under her turn-of-the-century PTA party gown, I suspect Ashley is mostly excited that with her new hair, she bears enough of a resemblance to the pretty but generic Kristin Cavallari that she can reignite her acting career by playing the Cavallari's little sister in something really classy, like, National Lampoon's Dick Orgy: Campus Private Eye.
Whereas Mary-Kate is just grateful that she's upgraded from mail-order bride to society madam.
December 14, 2006
Fuggy-Fug Fugley Olsen
Lest you had forgotten that they are two and not one, the Olsen twins are doggedly continuing in their quest to look as different as possible after all those years of being "Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen" -- an era that began with them being so literally interchangeable that I thought for a long time it was just one actress with a pretentious name.
Ashley has chosen understated clothes, an air of impermeable ennui, and a brunette 'do that I actually rather like; it makes her eyes pop, and after all those years of that fried-looking blond mop, it gives her a welcome sleekness. [Jessica isn't so sure about it, though; she thinks it's blah, and she's not really wrong either. It's kind of all of those things mixed into one. We were going to arm-wrestle to settle this score once and for all, but I am afraid it would be a rout; like George Costanza [edited to note that it might be Monica Gellar, actually... but they're very similar so the confusion is understandable], she is inhumanly strong, and also, her family's mutant power is that they are all really good at arm-wrestling. I think they should pitch an Over The Top sequel. I will make a cameo as the toothless regular who licks her chops at the idea of toppling this clan of upstarts, only to get my ass beaten with a quickness. At which point I will upend the table and speak only in grunts until I'm thrown out of the establishment. Look for it in theaters next fall -- it'll be Oscar bait.]
As pleasant a digression as that was, let's swing back on-topic. I'll hand it to the less-tragic Olsen -- she is very good at choosing outfits that are slightly unusual, and pulling them off anyway. She looks a bit like she's just come from her job as a D.A., but it works, especially with the adorable shoes.
Her twin's divergent direction is, in my estimation, somewhat less successful.
Mary-Kate prefers costuming herself as the Russian mail-order bride of an old heavyset man named Bud, who showed up to claim her at the airport with a wilted bouquet of daisies, a packet of beef jerky, coffee and beer stains on the undershirt that showed beneath his torn sportcoat, and a genuine imitation cubic zirconia rock that he got in a box of Lucky Charms. He will then whisk her away to the most middling suite available at the Sahara in Las Vegas and make an honest, frightened woman out of her.
It's a sad story. Maybe if she'd stuck with her sister, which got her pretty far in life if you think about it, this wouldn't have happened. Although it also sounds like Oscar bait, so she could also turn this to her advantage. So, Mary-Kate, you have two options: run to your manager, or just run.
November 17, 2006
Let's get one thing straight: I actually don't dislike what either one of them is wearing.
The long hair and the flowing sleeves and goth-y eye make-up and impenetrable expressions make them look like priestesses in an arty film set in the Middle Ages, during which one of them would spend a lot of time flitting around a turret holding crystal breakers full of mysterious and possibly dangerous potions. She would wear shoes lined in fur, and a crystal around her neck. The other would play a sort of charismatic, seductive temptress who sleeps with men in order to get a sample of their DNA so as to help her sister create a potion that will allow them to rule the world. She would spend a lot of time naked, and carrying a serpent. Men would know that she was likely to kill them after having her way with them, but they would take off their capes and doublets and submit to her wiles anyway. It would all be very dramatic, and the absolute opposite of what you would expect from Michelle and Michelle Tanner. I kind of like it, even though I can think of several reasons why I shouldn't.
However, I DO have a comment: Ashley's new hair color has thrown me for a loop. Newly Brown Olsen IS Ashley, right? It took me twenty minutes to figure that out. Give us a smile, Brown Olsen. It can't be that bad.
October 30, 2006
Oh, Frankie. That's good advice. And I'd like to relax -- really, I would -- but, see, I live in L.A. also, and it's making me tense knowing that a pack of rabid chihuahuas is running around trying to tailor people's pants with their fangs. Mary-Kate-or-Ashley (with the latter's new hair color, who can say without a clear look at the eyebrows?) is putting on a brave face, but I'm not so stoic.
October 26, 2006
Every so often in a girl's life, she goes out and she stays there too late. We here at GFY like to call that experience "college." And also, "The summer of 2003." But let's focus on the college part.
Harken back to the time you, say, went to a dance or a formal party in a cute dress, stayed out all night, did a few kegstands -- just like God intended -- and crashed out on somebody's couch because you didn't want to drive home, and also, you just sort of accidentally fell asleep on it. Then you woke up the next morning cloaked in the clammy chill of beer sweat, your hair so stringy and greasy from the evening's exertions that you could wring it out and fry a chicken. You had to get home. You had a paper due, maybe, or you just desperately wanted to rinse off in the comfort of your own shower shoes. But, what to do? Put back on the dress you wore last night, screaming to everyone that you're skulking home from an all-night rager? Or try to concoct a semi-plausible alternative -- say, by borrowing a flannel from one of the people who lives where you crashed, keeping the tights and shoes on under it, rolling up your dress and putting it in a shopping bag, and hoping that if you walk with enough assertiveness the whole thing will pass for trendy?
The answer, of course, is both. And neither. Because the thing is, it doesn't really matter what you do -- it's hard to hide a Walk Of Shame. It always emanates from you, to the infinite amusement of everyone who saw you that morning in college staggering back to the dorm with a nonchalant expression on your face, or wobbling through the dining-hall waffle line in boxers and heels.
But what I want to know is, why recreate Walk Of Shame couture as some sort of fashion statement? Why would you want to look like yesterday's Beer Pong tournament?
Unless this actually is a walk of shame, in which case... well played, Mary-Kate. Way to embrace college even if you're not attending it any more. But next time, may I suggest a hat? And perhaps fashioning a skirt out of some dishtowels?
June 01, 2006
Fug York Minute
As we've all learned from soap operas, if you've got a set of twins, there is always a good twin, and a bad -- occasionally even evil -- twin. This is just how it works. And the rule applies doubly when it comes to fashion -- there's the twin who generally looks good, and then the twin that usually ends up looking like an ass. Take Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. Jessica Wakefield had the cute striped bikini and flirty skirts and sassy little wedges. Elizabeth Wakefield had pleated pants belted right under her armpits and a pullover with snowflakes all over it and dock shoes. Or Brandon and Brenda Walsh -- which is admittedly a tough call, thanks to the gender difference. However, despite Brenda's unfortunate tendency toward wearing a man's tie over her bodysuit, Brandon often looked like he was raiding Jim Walsh's closet and his coiffure seemed, at times, to be doing its best impression of a rogue wave, which doesn't work unless you've got Luke Perry's face under there. So we're giving the Ass Award to Brandon (also because no one rocked the Peach Pit uniform like Brenda As Laverne, and because Brandon was kind of a douchebag). And then, of course, you've got the Olsen twins. Mary Kate mostly looks like she just rolled out of the back of a dumpster, while Ashley -- we thought -- had mastered the art of looking unusual, but also chic and, you know, clean.
Oh, ASH. Where did it all go so terribly wrong? Please tell us this is some kind of Twins Switching Places tomfoolery, or that you and Mary Kate have had your brain switched by Dr Drake Ramoray in order to continue getting complex carbohydrates into M-K's body, or that you've become a Method actress and this outfit is for a role as a crazy, blond old lady. Just don't tell us you think this looks good.