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May 31, 2006

Fug-Fug Olsen

It's nice to see that Mary-Kate Olsen...

a) Still doesn't brush her hair;

b) Still clings to those ribbed tights and staunchly believes that they're viable "bottoms" even though if a stiff wind blew up her overlong tee, her own bottom would be exposed, and not in a cute way, but in an "I see London, I see France, I see the cotton crotch of those uniform tights and that's frankly totally unsexy" kind of way;

c) Still refuses to look anyone in the eye;

d) Has turned to wearing jazz shoes as imagined by the kind folks at Easy "Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker" Spirit;

e) Still wears strange, inexplicable clothing layers (there is some kind of floaty thing over her tee but under her jacket); and yet...

f) Still seems to be doing better health-wise.

I am such a softie. Well, this second, anyway.

Posted by Heather at 02:52 PM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen | Permalink

March 08, 2006

Independent Spirit Awards Fug Carpet: Mary-Kate Olsen

In the hustle and flow of the Oscars, we all momentarily forgot that there was another awards show this past weekend: the Independent Spirit Awards, where the nominees get to "dress down," and, as a result, often look much better than they do when they're all trussed into a formal. Not, however, in the case of our former Derelicte Princess, Mary-Kate Olsen:

The good: her shoes (I'm a sucker for red shoes. When Carson Kressley announced on Queer Eye that only whores wear red shoes, I turned it off and haven't gone back ); her skin; her hair color; her body fat percentage; the sassy interview she gave recently where she gave the impression that she wants nothing to do with the Lindsay/Paris/Kimberly Stewart social scene because she finds that all kind of tiresome, and indeed, you never see her out and about with those girls, which I have to applaud; her chunky awesome ring and the corresponding lack of other crazy piled-on accessories; her continuing relationship with Uncle Jesse.

The bad: that dress. This long, voluminous, bit-part-in-Hidden Tiger, Flying Whatever type outfit works best on tall girls, who won't be overwhelmed by all the fabric (like, Mandy Moore maybe, if she wanted to go a little goth).  And while we all know M-K loooooves to bury her light under a bushel of dollar-a-pound vintage, this is just too much on her tiny little frame -- which, thank God, doesn't look as scary little as it used to. Add to that her too-long hair, and it's all just too much. She looks like she's playing dress-up in clothes that were made for a woman a foot taller than she is.

The ugly: that New York Minute has been surprisingly absent from my late-night cable rotation lately.  And shut up: the ten minutes that M-K and A spend in the House of Bling beauty salon getting made-over -- in a kicky montage, of course -- are pure bliss.

Posted by Jessica at 10:45 AM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

November 30, 2005

The Fugsen Twins


[Photo courtesy of Zap2It.com.]

In one terrifying moment of clarity, Ashley Olsen realized too late that she and her newly person-sized twin had been told a lie: They were not, in fact, so cute that they could make a Hanes XXL look like high fashion. And she had no idea where she'd left her trousers.

Posted by Heather at 07:20 PM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen | Permalink

September 09, 2005

Counter-Fugwise

One thing The Simpsons has taught us about Australia -- aside from the rules to "knifey-spoony" and some vital lessons about the legal system, which involve a massive boot to the behind -- is that everything there is upside-down, backwards, or clockwise when it should be counter-clockwise (no matter what things like "experts" and "science" tell us, we believe the musings of a room full of eccentric former National Lampoon writers).

Further proof of this phenomenon comes from an Aussie reader, who sent us this link to an article in which The Olsen Twins (No. 4), Kate Hudson (No. 5), Lindsay Lohan (No. 6), Sienna Miller (No. 8) and Kelly Osbourne (No. 9) were all put on a Best-Dressed Celebrities list.

Presumably, the only criteria is that they were, in fact, dressed.

Posted by Heather at 11:47 AM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen | Permalink

June 07, 2005

Mary-Fug Olsen

It's like she's having twin withdrawal, missing her other half so much that she's wearing enough clothes for both of them.

Posted by Heather at 12:57 PM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen | Permalink

May 23, 2005

Fug York Minute

Okay, Mary-Kate. We get it. We know you're into swaddling your skeleton in as many large layers as possible to compensate for your lack of body fat. But it's not fooling anyone:

The cowgirl-doily look wouldn't be flattering on anyone, with or without the giant picnic blanket knotted around her neck. But honey, my stick figures that I drew in elementary school had more meat on their bones. Very scary. What happened with you and Ashley? You were so cute together in New York Minute. Um, not that I saw it. But if I had, I probably would have secretly thought you and your sister were sort of sweet -- I mean, I assume, although of course I have no idea what my reaction to that movie would have been. right? Yes.

What about your counselors? What about the rest of your wardrobe? Did it ever occur to you that you wouldn't need seventeen baggy layers and a wad of plaid if you just had some of nature's insulation?

The thing that's most wrong about this picture is that her "boyfriend" is leading her down the street and not toward another rehab center. Please get her some help, Scruffy Boyfriend. Otherwise, it's going to end tragically, either from the disorder or from you having sex with her and accidentally snapping her in half. Then we'll get some kind of badly written television event in which Ashley makes her first solo acting debut playing Mary-Kate, and... well, that's quite a rabbit hole.

So somebody, please give Lohan and Richie and their ilk a good example to follow, and GET THE GIRL SOME HELP so that she stops losing weight in places where there is no weight to lose.

Also: Please make her stop wearing tents.

Posted by Heather at 02:14 PM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen | Permalink

August 30, 2004

VMAs: Beating Fugorexia

If you've just come out of rehab for an "eating disorder" and you are making your first public appearance, perhaps it's not wise to a) look as if you are being held up by the comparative heft of your twin, and b) wear a shapeless sack made out of the tablecloth you stole from rehab so that you'd Always Remember. [Nice of Ashley to generously show solidarity by wearing a shapeless shift of her own.]

The rumor is that Mary-Kate came out of rehab ten pounds heavier. This dress choice makes it look like she lost weight. I really hope she just has no sense of style, and not that she's dressing this way because she's hiding her newfound obesity. Poor kid. CINCH IT, Olsen twin -- you have nothing to hide. Also, keep eating meatball subs. You won't be sorry.

Posted by Heather at 12:19 PM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, VMAs | Permalink | Comments (1)

August 23, 2004

Fug House

Sure, I'm glad she's not wasting away and/or strung out on coke anymore, but... is there such a thing as style rehab?

Let's just run this down. Mary Kate "Skinny Cokehead" Olsen appears to be wearing: lace-trimmed men's basketball shorts layered over black capri-length leggings, a long black shapeless [sweater?] vest over some kind of patterned bra/bikini/halter top, purple jelly shoes, a turquoise clutch and, as the finishing touch, a bright orange plastic-y necklace. At least she looks like she may have, in fact, had a sandwich in the last two weeks. Sadly, the nutrients probably sped right to, like, her vitals organs or some shit, leaving nothing for the Outfit Selection cortex of her brain.

Ashley "Fat Twin [Save the Hate Mail, I'm KIDDING]" Olsen is no better in what looks like khaki Bermuda shorts, heels and some kind of I'm All Grown-Up Blazer thing. I'd say more, but it's too hard to see her in this photo and God knows, I wouldn't want to make assumptions.

And I know we're all worried about their mental health and their lunch selections and Oh My God Are They Still Virgins? and whatnot, but why hasn't anyone said anything about their hair? It's. So. Stringy. Comb your hairs, Olsens!

Posted by Jessica at 03:39 PM in Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen | Permalink | Comments (0)

 

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