May 20, 2008
Academy of Country Music Awards Fug: Sarah Buxton (with back-up from Keith Urban)
Something about this is SO WRONG, it's come around to being awesomely right, by which I mean, totally hilarious:
I mean, what can I say that will add to the hilariousness already inherent in this dress? That it looks like something a starfish would wear to a formal dance in an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants? That it's a item of clothing that will provide hours and hours of gleeful chuckles and bad jokes to the drunk? That it appears to be a sartorial salute to the body's major arteries? No. You have to just look upon its majesties and enjoy.
May 19, 2008
Academy of Country Music Awards Fug: Criss Angel (also featuring Poppy Montgomery, who looks fine)
CRISS ANGEL: You seem to be having a good time.
POPPY MONTGOMERY: Sure! I just had a baby and I look great! I have no idea what I'm doing here, but at least I look good doing it. Why are YOU here?
CRISS: I'm MAGIC.
POPPY: No, really.
CRISS: I AM MAGIC.
POPPY: Do you have a show on CBS now, or something?
CRISS: A MAGICAL SHOW.
POPPY:...okay, then can we talk about what you're wearing?
CRISS: Is it not magical?
POPPY: It is not. Unless "magical" is a synonym for "frighteningly reminiscent of the contents of a hormone-fueled nightmare I once had about being chained to Nikki Sixx at a biker bar while being haunted by Lord Voldemort's Dark Mark." In which case: totally.
Academy of Country Music Awards Fug: Carrie Underwood
Oh, Carrie Underwood. I know I spent years and years railing about your habit of wearing formal shorts to perform, but I have to say, I rather prefer the shorts to this:
You're adorable and in great shape and very young. Now is not the time to dress like you're the headliner on Carnival Cruises' Nifty At Sixty Salute to The Golden Girls as interpreted by someone with a long-term Barry Gibb fetish. You are doing your bum a disservice -- which is not to say that your bum looks bad, merely that your bum would probably prefer to be encased in something less agonizingly cheesy. But maybe the front is better:
Academy of Country Music Awards Fug Carpet: Sara Evans
Note to Sara Evans:
You're allowed to go up a size.
May 05, 2008
Logie Awards Fug Carpet: Dannii Minogue
So this got needlessly complicated:
That is a whole lot of curtain-inspired, rumple-y sheeted, fabric-y business going on from the hips down and while I appreciate the concept of a cape -- in any form! so dramatic! so glamorous! who doesn't love superheros! -- I feel like there is no way this thing isn't getting constantly stepped on and caught on door knobs and table corners and walking sticks and other sticky-out-y things (especially after a few cocktails) and therefore accidentally strangling Minogue The Lesser at a rate of approximately nine strangles an hour. Which is approximately seven too many strangles for anyone not starring in some kind of overly-dramatic soap opera, don't you think?
Logie Awards Fug Carpet: Abbie Cornish
I guess Abi Tucker is an Aussie singer/actress? Our image provider seems to think she's Abbie Cornish, but all things being equal, I'm pretty sure she's relived she isn't. Even if she IS wearing the following:
I think I speak for us all when I say that this is not flattering. Capris made of what appear to be shantung are best saved for your kicky Grandma who's dressing up for shuffle board because she's got her eye on a sexy new resident at the retirement home. In fact, this whole thing is weirdly stodgy and droopy and matchy-matchy, in a way that feels sort of like it was originally the bridemaid's outfit for a misguidedly faux-casual wedding. Maybe we should be glad the shoes are not dyed to match.
April 29, 2008
MTV Australia Awards Fug Carpet: Lyndsey Rodrigues
Empirically, I know this is a flesh-and-blood person wearing a skirt over pants.
But I still can't help hoping that this is actually the very latest and greatest in Italian "FRAGIIIILE" leg lamps. That the poor schmo who gets this major award in the mail has a big fight with his wife in his future when he tries to put her on the bedside table.
April 28, 2008
MTV Australia Awards Fug Carpet: Charlotte Dawson
The bad news: It's not a hallucination. This TV presenter from Down Under IS, in fact, wearing a waistcoat with a skirt that looks like it's been tucked up into the world's only pair of baggy footless panty-hose -- and yes, those hose DO have built-in glittery leg decorations that would be more at home on the set of Xanadu: The Musical. And, tragically, she truly HAS stuffed her feet into crazy metallic slides that the costumer of Back To The Future II would have dismissed as "too ugly to be believably futuristic" right before he or she popped that urine-colored satin cape on Doc Brown.
The good news: She is only on TV in Australia. And while I admit that might not be so hot for our friends in Oz, for me and my weeping soul it's an immense relief.
MTV Australia Awards Fug Carpet: Wyclef Jean
Thanks to Google, I learned that when discussing his gig as the host of MTV Australia's awards ceremony, Wyclef Jean insisted that it was time for a little levity in all our lives.
That nugget of information explained so, so much. Like, say, why he put the award on his head.
[Photo: Splash News]
I'm not even kidding -- that IS the award, from what I can tell. I guess it's better than him lying about how it's not important and is going to go on his toilet/in a box in the garage/on the floor to be used as a doorstop. But I'm not sure what the antagonistic gestures are in aid of; he's the one wearing a cheap plastic trophy that makes him look like Darth Vadar attempting to go as a wastebasket for Halloween.
Maybe he was just exhausted by all the forced hilarity of the evening. After all, he started things off on the red carpet with something of a bang:
I know that's a wig, but I like to think it's a fur turban that he mistakenly washed and tumble-dried before the event (further proof that you should always, always check with Joan Collins when you are unsure how to care for your hugely aggressive hats).
I've already mentioned the esteemed Dr. Emmett Brown once today -- in a post I am publishing later, but whatever, it counts -- so I'll refrain from noting that Wyclef appears to be channeling what he'd wear to a Mad Scientists' convention in Las Vegas. Instead, I will applaud him. Because I do appreciate the giggles Mr. Jean is providing us all in these trying times of war, economic uncertainty, and the very real fear that any Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz spawn will be born with a kohl pencil in its hand and such stiff, spiky hair that it fatally stabs the delivery-room nurse.
So thank you, Wyclef, for cheering us up. Also, could you loan that thing to Renee Zellweger? I want to see if it's an improvement.
April 17, 2008
CMT Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman
We've been a little hard on Nicole Kidman occasionally, especially how she ALLEGEDLY seems to have jacked up her former face with so much paralyzing Botox. But I have to say, I am not one of those conspiracy theorists who believes she's faking the pregnancy, because a) that's insane; b) this is not Passions, as much as I wish it were and that Zombie Kidman would start showing up at events, although maybe she DID and that explains why Nic seemed a bit bodysnatched the last year or so; c) she looks pregnant in ways that are hard to fake, like her face; d) I can't think of a good reason why Nicole Kidman would need to go through all the rigamarole to fake something like that when she's adopted before, and also, again, NOT INSANE; e) she's got a glow lately, and it really suits her.
I don't really even care about the dress, although that ruby color is fantastic on her. What grabbed me was the loose, flirty, relaxed hair and what appears to be a genuine smile -- those are things she's been missing for a while, in favor of looking really pulled-tight and rigid and wan. Now if only she would get in line behind Nicole Richie at the Los Angeles Clinic For Looking Like Healthy And Lovely Like This All The Time And Not Just When You're Knocked Up, we'd be in business.