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February 21, 2008

Brit Awards Fug Carpet: Two People Whose Names Will Escape Most Of Us Tomorrow

So, it seems pants were in short supply at the Brit Awards -- by which I mean, trouser-pants, and not underwear-pants, and it's important to clarify this point because of the great and almost impassable cultural chasm between this mighty nation and our parent country. Apparently when they landed here, "pants" took on a whole new meaning that didn't make it back across the pond, and suddenly merely saying something innocent like, "I'm just wearing pants and a sweater to the bar," became equivalent to dropping a ticking time-bomb of accidental nudism onto the kingdom that begot us. I don't know how we have managed to be conversant with them since. Fortunately, our t-shirt works in both languages; thank God we are fluent in both.

At any rate, leg-and-crotch coverings were  at times absent from the proceedings -- Abi Clancy being one instance and Alesha Dixon of girl group Mis-Teeq being the other.

It's here that Alesha learned that "Brit" refers to the country in which she lives, and not to Britney Spears -- and that, ergo, this ceremony was NOT an homage to the fabric-to-flesh ratio our cherished, troubled singer so frequently employs. I am pretty sure that dress is made of the foil lining from a box of Valentine's chocolates. Would that Alesha had shared those with us instead.

TV personality Fearne Cotton, it turns out, is TECHNICALLY wearing something trouser-adjacent. At first I thought it was a miniscule skirt, but no:

It is in fact a SHORTS-SUIT. A red, SATINY shorts-suit that's one part Little Rumpus Room On The Prairie and two parts cocktail waitress at Lucifer's House of Hate-Pies.

But hey, at least she's passionate about it. We can see through the jollity, though -- sure, we may be sitting at home in pajamas, but at the end of the day, she's stuck in a scarlet romper slinging Satan's rhubarb crumble for next to nothing and a lousy pension. Between being enslaved to the Prince of Darkness' satin shorts-suit and wearing flannel while watching Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride, I'm going with Buttercup's pig-fiance for sure. 

Posted by Heather at 10:21 AM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

Brit Awards Fug Carpet: Abi/Abigail/Abbey Clancy

In light of this photograph, it shouldn't surprise you to learn that Ms. "Make Up Your Mind, Please" Clancy is: a) a former lingerie model; b) a runner-up of Britain's Next Top Model, dinged by the judges for being too "glamour," which is essentially UK modeling code for "soft-core porn"; c) a WAG, or more specifically, the on-off G of toothy giant Peter Crouch; d) was allegedly dumped once by Crouch via fax; and e) tried to solidify her career by allowing herself to be taken under the musty wing of professional exhibitionist and gold-plated nutter Janice Dickinson, purely for televisual purposes.

Given all that, it may surprise you that she bothered wearing panties at all. Didn't Janice teach her better than that?

Posted by Heather at 09:04 AM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

February 15, 2008

NAACP Awards Fug Carpet Scrolldown: Christel Khalil

This picture of Christel Khalil from The Young and the Restless -- who played the daughter of crazy-hat-wearing Victoria Rowell, made out with her current boyfriend at her own divorce party, and had a whole storyline where she got gonorrhea, although everyone seems to have forgotten about that -- is technically not a scrolldown, because it was better at the bottom than at the top.

So I MADE it a scrolldown.

The color is fantastic, I love the train, the dress has so much potential.... and then, the accessories.

It's hurting my head to look at them this way, so let's flip her over again.

Still love the dress -- it fits her beautifully -- and on its own it might've saved the uninspiring hair. But those accessories are so over the top, as if her local Claire's store got sloshed on bourbon and threw up all over her head. The earrings, the choker, the two plastic-looking lengths of beads...

... and of course, a shoulder flower, because what this outfit needs is a fake fuchsia blossom that looks more like a tiny bird flew into her shoulder and met its grisly death. Seriously, looking at this close-up, you'd think she were attending the Union of Frontier Bordello Madams Local No. 102 annual meeting, where they're voting on a controversial proposal mandating regular syphilis tests and discussing a ban on nooses during foreplay. Y&R may want to consider a time-travel storyline to maximize the fact that she's already got the costume.

Posted by Heather at 11:14 AM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

February 13, 2008

BAFTA Fug Carpet: Marion Cotillard

There is something very pretty about this outfit. And something very "Once upon a time, in a far-away land, there lived a prince and his girlfriend."

"They were the happiest couple in the land, or at least in the twelfth grade; she gave him a good-luck pin to wear on his breeches, and she was often to be seen running around the village with his Varsity Jousting Team Cape affixed to her shoulders. The girlfriend would go to all her prince's  tournaments, and in turn he would help run her campaign for class president and show up at fundraisers and let her auction him off for charity to handsy old women who wanted a hot dinner date. It was a match made in heaven, until she caught him making out with her best friend in the spear shed near the castle moat, kicked him in the gauntlet, burned his cape, and then went on to become the owner of the most powerful mead brewery in the country -- which bought his pro jousting team and then fired him. The moral of this tale: Revenge is sweet; capes are not."

Posted by Heather at 12:31 PM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

February 01, 2008

SAG Awards Fug Carpet: January Jones

The first time around I missed a lot of Mad Men, because I couldn't watch them fast enough to keep my TiVo from replacing old ones with newer episodes. Now, if we're being honest, usually my reaction to heavily hyped stuff that passed me by the first time around is to get kind of overly aggravated by it and ignore it, until my defenses are so worn down that one idle day I sit down with whatever it is and think, "Okay, let's see how TOTALLY BAD this really is," ending of course with me completely on board and secretly admitting it's kind of great. This happened with One Tree Hill some time ago, with Dawson's Creek back in the day, and with wedge shoes. But Mad Men, I knew I wanted to see. And as I've been catching up piecemeal in reruns, the hype is totally not misplaced. It's very well done.

January Jones (who was indeed born in January; she should be relieved she wasn't a September baby), in particular, is great in it. So I really wanted to love whatever she wore to the SAG Awards. And indeed, I love her face, which thankfully she brought with her.

But:

I can't really get behind this. It looks like a homemade Valentine. And while that's great in elementary school, and one might argue that the SAG Awards are an elementary awards show only getting major attention because the Golden Globes were out sick and needed an understudy, I just wish January had gone for a gown that reminded me less of something I traditionally would've accessorized with a doily.

See? All that bright fabric everywhere, and then at the bodice it just limply erupts into a half-hearted ruffle. And no matter how great her makeup is, how tiny her waist looks, or how much I would like to call her up for skin-care tips, it's hard to root for a half-hearted ruffle. Either go big or go home, I say; it might not always work, but at least you went for broke. This way, it just looks like the designer was chiefly inspired by a napkin fan on the table of the Mother's Day Brunchtravaganza at his grandparents' yacht club.

Posted by Heather at 09:17 AM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

January 31, 2008

SAG Awards Fug Carpet: Jena Malone

I've been staring at this photo for a few days now, and I still can't decide fully.

What do you think: avant garde...

... or wearable modern art entitled Aborted Straitjacket?

Posted by Heather at 12:01 PM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

January 30, 2008

SAG Awards Fug Carpet: Well Played, Amanda Bynes

Oh, Amanda Bynes. You're so nice and person-colored now.

And that gown is totally gorgeous -- love that peacock color, love the bodice, love the flirty layers at the bottom, love the way it fits her.  The hair might be a little twee, but you know what? I don't care today. That's right. Dare I say it, I'm in a GOOD MOOD, and looking at this dress only enhances it -- like frosting on an already really yummy piece of carrot cake. I am pretty sure that those boys in the background are trying really hard not to stare at her, but inside, are totally stoked that Hot Amanda Bynes is standing mere feet from them and are planning to tell all their friends tomorrow that they held her hand and that she promised they'd get married in 15 years. Or, you know, whatever it is that boys do. Having no brothers, I can't say for sure. Doodling your names jointly inside a big heart all over a spiral notebook and then frantically doing MASH, trying to cheat so that you end up married, living in a mansion, driving a Ferrari, working as a movie star, having three kids, and owning stacks of emeralds, seems like it's more of a girly response.

Posted by Heather at 10:31 AM in Misc. Awards Shows, Well Played | Permalink

January 28, 2008

SAG Awards Fug Carpet: Sandra Oh

I'm not sure what's up with turning your boobs into a befuddling curiosity. It's not as if most people don't find a lady's bustline interesting in and of itself -- no, now it needs a gimmick. First Kate Hudson glides down the SAG carpet looking like a pigeon has flown headfirst into her sternum, and now Sandra Oh is joining the fray:

Actually, I just noticed that the black fabric has splotches on it that almost look like very organized raindrops, so staring at those is a diversion in and of itself that is terrible for my brow furrow. Mostly, though, I find the massive bow growing out of her chest sort of confusing. As if all this time, we never realized that all those gigantic ribbons people stick on their brand-new Lexus-- the one they secretly bought their partner for Christmas, drove home under apparent cover of deep night, and parked in the driveway, all totally unbeknownst to their unsuspicious and probably a tad unobservant spouse/parent/significant other -- are actually manufactured straight from Sandra Oh's mammaries. Once it's done you just clip it off and another one starts to form in its place. Kind of creepy from an anatomical point of view, but as performance art, it's a pretty impressive side gig.

** Okay, so this is what we get for being in midair during the SAGs, and cross-eyed with jet-lag today -- apparently Sandra is paying homage to traditional Korean garb called a hanbok. So I will resist the urge to strap her to a brand-new vehicle and gift it to someone by burying the keys in a pile of pancakes, and instead applaud her for getting in touch with her heritage while apologizing for the fact that I am out of touch with my non-pop-culture references. Next thing you know someone will show up in a bodice shaped like Eiffel Tower and I'll be all, "Hey, look, it's that casino in Las Vegas!" And then Jessica will have to behead me. It'll be so tragic.

Posted by Heather at 02:29 PM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

SAG Awards Fug Or Fab: Kate Hudson

The first thing that strikes me about this photo is how much Kate Hudson looks like her mother:

The second thing is how pale and wan and unenthusiastic she looks. The third thing is that I feel like she wears this sort of dress ALL THE TIME. There is certainly something to be said for wearing a style of clothes that works for you -- which is why I wear so many turbans -- but there is MORE to be said for wearing something that doesn't prompt the reaction, "is this picture from like six years ago?"

Posted by Jessica at 01:30 PM in Fug or Fab, Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

SAG Awards Fug Carpet: Angelina Jolie

Whether or not Angelina Jolie is actually pregnant, she sure knows how to make sure the rumors are swirling like the chocolate-vanilla soft-serve cone she might be dipping pickles and cheese into:

And Brad knows how to feed into rumors that he is in need of a three-day nap. But Angelina... I have to say, she really can wear almost anything and look fantastic. I still find myself wishing it were, say, blood red -- you know, since she doesn't have to worry about it being too matchy with her vial of Type AB or whatever --  but on the whole you could pleat a Hefty bag and Angelina would work it. Of course, if she's NOT pregnant, then this choice is a little more confusing. Surely she is be-fetused, though, right? It's Angie. She's not going to veer off the freeway at the Caftan City exit, past the Cheesecake Factory at the Rue McClanahan Rest Stop and Service Plaza, unless she's playing coy with the contents of her womb.

Posted by Heather at 12:40 PM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

 

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