May 27, 2008
Who Fugged It Up Most: Mischa, or... Mischa?
Apparently Mischa Barton had a busy night this weekend. She started off in this:
The head-to-toe matchy brown thing doesn't really ice my cake, particularly, but the dress might be cute and the cut of the jacket is really flattering to her waist. If I changed anything, I think it'd be the tights.
Mischa disagreed with me, evidently.
Apparently this was what Mischa was wearing when she returned to her London hotel the same night the other picture was taken. Which begs the eloquent question: Huh? Where did she have the other dress? Was it balled up in her pocket? Was her boyfriend keeping her spare moccasin-pump-hybrid shoes in his pants? Did someone dump a beer onto her head and force her home to change? Did she stand behind someone in line for the ladies' room and suddenly burst forth with, "If I could just please borrow your peacock-print sheath in a Warm Urine palette, then I'd FINALLY know what it means to be happy"? Does she remind anyone else of the Crunchy Frog sketch by Monty Python, where the owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company explains that his gourmet Ram's Bladder Cup confection has been lovingly garnished with lark's vomit? And is any of it really an improvement? I must know.
May 06, 2008
Met Ball Fug Carpet: Mischa Barton and Margherita Missoni
MISCHA: Aren't we an awesome pair?
MARGHERITA: Could these sacks we're wearing BE any more festive?
MISCHA: What, so you're Chandler Bing now?
MARGHERITA: Who was your tailor? One of the Olsen twins?
MISCHA: Who was yours? Dolly Parton's bedding designer?
MARGHERITA: Is that bodice oozing down your front?
MISCHA: Did you know I found last night's panties hidden behind that dustruffle on your chest?
MARGHERITA: Did YOU know those sleeves are illegal in 30 states?
MISCHA: How did your dress get its manslaughter charges dropped?
MARGHERITA: What's your superhero theme -- the She-Hulk?
MISCHA: Feeling blind today, Blunder Woman?
MARGHERITA: This was fun; want to do it again next year?
MISCHA: Should we agree to get our dresses fitted next time?
MARGHERITA: Would there be ANY fun in that?
MISCHA: Does this at least mean I can eat the canapes tonight?
MARGHERITA: Do you have to ask?
April 29, 2008
"Yeah, that's right, I'm Mischa Barton and I'm wearing a bathroom rug as a jacket. What of it? You'd rather I had another greasepig boyfriend with me instead? A total clap-incubator who's about to pass out on a pool of vomit he freshly delivered onto my feet? I DIDN'T THINK SO. Bet the coat's not looking so bad to you NOW."
March 14, 2008
Fug or Fab: Mischa Barton
Whatever's going on with Mischa lately, at least she's in good spirits:
And I almost think she pulled this off. My question is, what's with the stumpifying shoe choice? Has she recently developed a raging bunion problem? Because it takes a LOT to make Mischa Barton look short-legged and yet....here we are.
March 03, 2008
Fug Or Fab: Mischa Barton
Oh, Mischa Barton. How the mighty have fallen, eh? Killed off The OC ....and no one really cared. Offered -- allegedly -- a role on Gossip Girl and people freaked out. And not in the good way. Stick a little DUI in the middle of that and you've got a tasty, toasted downward-spiral sandwich. At least they're still inviting you to things, right?
[Photo: Splash News]
A word to the wise: you'd look about six hundred percent better in this if your posture wasn't screaming, "IS THIS TOO SHORT ON ME? I HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT MY THIGHS!" Your thighs are fine. The dress is great. Your accessories are....well, surely words wouldn't be failing me if I wasn't on day three of a raging fever. (Heather and I contracted the Death Flu simultaneously, which would be cute if we weren't both convinced we might lapse into a coma at any time. To the thousands of you who've already had this infamous Death Flu and survived it, I wholeheartedly salute you. Stupid germs. I hate them.)
What was I talking about? Oh, Mischa's accessories. My fever tells me they're totally adgoi3tgfsws@!1frf, which sounds pretty accurate.
January 22, 2008
I don't know who the dude is with Mischa Barton here, but I do know one thing: I wish his strange shirt had hypnotized her OUT of her shorts (ew, not in THAT way) rather than INTO buying a guitar and trotting it around town like she's part of the Von Trappuccinos, a Sound Of Music-inspired coffeehouse band that specializes in close-harmony angst-metal.
It's like my grandmother always never said: When the rise on your pants is that much longer than your inseam, you might as well just slap some suspenders on and call 'em lederhosen. Although either way, Mischa owes her midsection a heartfelt apology.
December 19, 2007
Fug the Cover: Mischa Barton
Could someone please explain to me what the deal is with Mischa's teeth here?
Right? I mean, she looks generically lovely here -- although not entirely like herself -- but....a bit rabbity, no? And I don't think I've ever thought that about her, not in all the years I spent complaining about how wooden she was on The OC. She almost looks like she's got a retainer in. And other than prompting me to waste twenty valuable minutes that I should be spending wrapping gifts or quaffing wassail on deep thoughts about Mischa Barton's dental situation, this cover has also led me to waste hardcore cookie-eating time on thinking about the 10 MASSAGES THAT'LL CHANGE MY LIFE. For one thing, that sounds dirty. For another, are there really TEN? I can't help imagining the poor writer assigned to this story, stuck on massage number seven and frantically asking her co-workers if they can think of ANY life-changing massages, AT ALL, so she can finish this thing and head down to the pub with everyone else. This wassail's for you, Tatler staffer.
December 12, 2007
Fug the Cover: Mischa Barton
It seems like as soon as I asked the internet about the whereabouts of Mischa Barton, she appeared all over the place and on the cover of everything. Like Citizen K, which, as far as I can tell, is a Spanish magazine (I brilliantly deduced that from the words "Espana" on the cover) covering fashion and entertainment and the like:
Things are just as bad, in a wholly different way, inside the magazine:
I'm going to come out and admit that I hate these kinds of photo shoots. I know that expression is supposed to be all, "ooooh, I am sooooo sexy.Come over here and ravish me," but it often reads as, "ooh, I really shouldn't have had that last taco." Which is....maybe not what you want splashed all over the pages of your glossy magazine, you know?
December 06, 2007
Closing the Fug
"I can't f'ing believe this," thought Mischa Barton (formerly Missing Mischa Barton. I wondered where she was, and she popped up right in front of me. If only I could make that happen with Patrick Dempsey, or sandwiches). "I had no idea when I signed that lucrative Keds endorsement contract that I would be reduced to THIS:"
"Standing around, holding a shoe. Like a CAR SHOW MODEL. But with shoes. Wearing high-heeled Keds, like someone who's had some kind of head injury. I am a SERIOUS ACTRESS. I'm in a movie about the faux-lesbian Russian one-hit wonder duo tATu, for pete's sake. I hate being here. I hate everyone."
September 12, 2007
It's certainly possible that Mischa Barton was on her way to play Titania, Queen of the Faeries, in a Shakespeare in the Park production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
But we're pretty sure this is just the Marc Jacobs show, and that Mischa poked her head through some bolts of fabric and wandered over in the hope that a spring-themed pagan ritual might break out.