August 07, 2007
The Sixth Fug
MISCHA: Do you think people remember that I used to have an acting career, or do they just think I'm one of those girls who hangs out with Nicole Richie a lot?
RIHANNA:...that's a rhetorical question, right? Because I'd hate it if we had to get all awkward.
MISCHA: This dress is a little too short, right? I look uncomfortable, don't I? I have the same expression on my face as the time I found out they were going to make me wear that hat, don't I? I think that hat was the beginning of the end of my career.
RIHANNA: My dress is short, too, Mischa!
MISCHA: But you're WORKING IT. I look like I just realized that I left my hotpants in the back of the limo.
RIHANNA: I do look pretty cute, now that you mention it. Even with a cast on my foot! Does this mean we get to talk about me a little bit? Are you going to ask how I get my complexion so gorgeous?
MISCHA: Oh my God, are you implying that my FACE looks bad now, too? RIHANNA, SOMETIMES I THINK MY FACE IS ALL I'VE GOT.
RIHANNA: No, no. No. You're still pretty, Mischa. I mean, your hair is all kind of up in there, but...I mean, just look at your reflection in your dress, if you're really worried about it.
MISCHA: I knew there was a reason I bought this!
April 24, 2007
The other day, I was watching the reruns of The OC that they're currently airing on SoapNet, and thinking about Mischa Barton. Namely that even when she's dressed like a total nutjob or delivering a less than stellar line-reading, you can't escape the fact that she really is extremely pretty. Which does help her get away with these sorts of pantsual shenanigans:
I think my feelings on super-high-waisted pants are very well documented, but the issue with these, as far as I'm concerned, is less "Ooh, if those are totally accentuating HER tiny saddle bags, I'd look like I was stocking up for a trip on the Oregon Trail in them," and more that they're total Mom Jeans. Not in the SNL Unflattering, Pleated Mom Jeans sense, but in the sense that I am pretty sure that my ACTUAL mother wore a pair like these when I was in pre-school. And so my reaction to them is very confused and visceral. On one hand, I think they're insanely unflattering and I hate them. On the other hand, I suddenly feel like I just had a nice long stint with finger paints, a peanut butter sandwich and a hug and I'm all ready for my nap. Which is quite pleasant really.
I think I shall resolve this quandary with a little Sesame Street.
March 07, 2007
Well Played, Mischa Barton
Clearly, Mischa Barton has unusual taste in clothes. That's about as controversial a statement as, say, "Peter Gallagher's eyebrows are kind of large," or, "Paris Hilton's not a virgin." And while oftentimes we don't think that taste serves her figure or our eyeballs particularly well, there are times when she steps out in something that completely works.
Here she is at a party during Paris Fashion Week:
It's a challenge to pose in that dress -- in that color -- and have the most lasting impression be, "Wow, Mischa Barton is gorgeous," but that's basically what my reaction is to this photo. Chartreuse is not a color I particularly gravitate toward, as it's bright to the point of being almost garish, and could threaten to cast a yellowish pall on even the rosiest of skin tones. But Mischa is rocking the hell out of it. I love, and covet, her sexy tousled hair and perfect eye makeup. And of course, the timing is particularly tasty -- The O.C., which unexpectedly killed her off last season, just limped to a tired, pathetic end; meanwhile, Mischa, totally unbruised and unaffected by that firm boot to the derriere, is gallavanting around Paris looking fantastic and without a care in the world. It's the greatest middle-finger she could possibly flip.
Of course, the appearance of nonchalance might go to hell in a handbasket carried by Satan himself once her movie with Hayden "So Wooden You Could Build A Barn Out Of Him" Christensen hits theaters. It's about the black plague, people. Mischa and Hayden and a deadly epidemic. And no, Hayden Christensen is not playing the part of the plague, although he will probably be a pox on the movie. But that's not my problem. As long as Mischa listens to these style instincts, rather than the ones that routinely tell her to wear tent dresses, she might at least look fabulous at the premiere -- assuming she doesn't run in the other direction.
February 23, 2007
Okay, Granny Barton, turn up your hearing aid and have a listen: When Julie Andrews tore down the drapes and made them into children's clothes for those crooning moppets, she had the benefit of some very high-quality fabric to use in her forced improvisation. Do not try to achieve the same effect by rip down your cheap-ass mangy old kitchen curtains. For one thing, it's completely unflattering. And for another, when you are skipping around a Swiss mountainside -- yes, we noticed your Frolicking Sandals in your hand there -- it's far too likely a gust of wind will catch your flimsy tent minidress and blow it up over your head, unveiling your girlie mysteries to whatever eager cows, goats, or roving bands of close-harmony singers might happen to be cavorting alongside you.
And chopping up your great-grandmother's good napkins just to make an ill-fitting vest seems a bit unnecessary. Is this all some kind of rage issue against your home decor? Perhaps you need to go stand in the time-out corner at your nursing home. Or be banned from Friday Bingo until you stop wearing flimsy household objects. I'm going to have a word with your minder.
October 03, 2006
When there's nothing left to believe in, believe in Mischa Barton. Because she will always wear something that cheers you up instantly.
Take this joke of a skirt, for instance. It's like a clown repurposed a blazer and wrapped it around her waist. Amusing, but not in a complimentary, deliciously whimsical kind of way; it's more of a hideous Fisher Price "Baby's First Buttons" kind of funny. Mostly, I just want to tug it down so that I don't accidentally get a view of her birth canal.
Still, at least we're laughing. Maybe for that, we owe her a debt of gratitude. Maybe we should all stand in front of her and join in a thinly harmonized chorus of "For She's A Jolly Good Fellow," led by Tim Curry, because the world needs more of him. And maybe, if we lavish her with enough giggles and praise, she'll back away slower than a gun-toting Mrs. Peacock, wary of our ulterior motives and never to be heard from in this capacity again.
Or, we could just wait for her to get bored with looking like a lunatic. That might be easier -- that, I can do from my couch.
September 08, 2006
Ladies and gentlefuggers, I give you Ms. Mischa Barton, demonstrating the latest in tourniquet-chic:
[Photos courtesyof X17 Online.]
I have questions.
1) At what point in her day did she say, "What this torn white tank really needs is a plaid diaper"?
2) Could she please have a chat with her pelvic bone? It's an awful camera-hog.
3) Does she travel with sanitary seat liners?
4) Don't you think Marissa Cooper would have worn those shorts... as a hat?
5) When will somebody tell her being born with beautiful eyes, skin, and hair, and bedding a string of gnarly boyfriends, is not actually a strategy for defying gravity?
Sigh. I guess we should just be thankful she's not parading around town with things tied around her head...
Okay, one more question, then: When did "Modern-Day Flower Child With A Dash Of Bjorn Borg" become a personal style?
August 21, 2006
Teen Choice Awards: Mischa Barton
Last night, at the Teen Choice Awards, Mischa Barton represented the best and the worst of what her own closet had to offer.
On the red carpet, she was quite simply adorable:
I covet this dress. I COVET IT. It's so simple, but it's so flattering -- hello, I think her legs are as long as my ENTIRE BODY -- and best of all, it looks so easy. I don't mean "easy" in the sense of, "Stay away from that Mischa Barton, Janie! Everyone knows she's easy, and I don't want you running around with her! She's pretty enough to be able to shake off that kind of reputation and still make a good marriage, but you? Not you. You must keep your image sparklingly pure!" I mean it in the sense of, "Oh, this old thing? I totally forgot I had it until today. It's cute, right? I just naturally look this fantastic without putting in any work at all." Which is perfect for the event. It's totally effortless.
(Unlike THIS particular get-up:
Why doesn't she just make a sign that says, "REMEMBER WHEN I TALKED ABOUT BEING A VIRGIN AND EVERYONE LIKED ME? LET'S GO BACK TO THAT." I hate to say it -- honestly -- because I sort of get what she was going for with this, but, as sad as it is, this dress is too young for the J. Simp. of 2006. She's a grown woman, not the prom queen. This frock would be lovely on someone younger, like Jo Jo, or maybe someone very very petite and elfin, like Natalie Portman. If it were an inch longer, or another color, we'd be singing another tune. But as it is -- short, white, vaguely bridal -- it just looks like she's wearing something she's outgrown, something she last tried on four years and one marriage ago. It just doesn't work.)
And speaking of not working:
MISCHA! Why did you change? That thing appears to be eating your face.
July 07, 2006
Well Played, Mischa Barton
Having just marveled at the ruffled fuggery of Ms. Barton, it would seem like overkill to feature her again; however, being as it's a Friday and that's the day of the week on which we're most likely to be gripped by invincible good spirits, we've decided to show you the other side of the Barton coin. The side that doesn't dress like she goes around chipping chewing gum off the sidewalk so she doesn't have to pay for her own.
Full disclosure: This dress isn't my absolute favorite thing, as the floaty pieces of tulle look a little bit like the birds taped the garment together in a mad rush to get Cinderella ball-ready, and didn't really think about whether that would hold all night. It looks a little unfinished.
However, she looks gorgeous. The color should probably wash her out, but instead, she's wearing that gown and not letting it wear her. Somehow your eye is drawn less to the bizarre contours of the dress and more to her lovely skin and striking eyes. Her makeup is flawless -- youthful and understated, yet unobtrusively dramatic in the right places. And Mischa has managed to find a strapless gown that neither hoists The Girls up into her neck, nor leaves them dribbling helplessly toward her navel. It flatters them, it accentuates the curve of her waist... all in all, it's a nice glimpse at Mischa Barton the way we prefer to see her, and it reminds me that I often forget how very pretty she is because I'm blinded by whatever crazy ensemble she's sporting. This, however, is classy, elegant, and adult.
Now if only she had a nice, regularly showered guy squiring her around town.
July 06, 2006
Sometimes, Mischa Barton is so very Value Village.
And I would be fine with that, in theory, because everybody appreciates finding a prime deal on something cute. But, that shirt would not be a good bargain at any price, possessed as it is of an embarrassing childishness that can only be pulled off by a very young girl in a nightgown or a very old Great Aunt who is playing bingo at her nursing home; for another thing, she probably did not unearth it on the discount rack at a local resale store, but in fact dropped a cool $150 on that ruffled fabric-blend fugtrocity, simply because some smart store owner figured that if you slap a hefty price tag on something, a celebrity will immediately decide it's Very Important and buy ten of them in different colors.
At least the hairy rocker boyfriend does look like he cost about $2.
January 03, 2006
You know, I should have known. We go on a little vacay, and everyone gets lazy. Mischa Barton, for example, decided to just start going out in her Garanimals:
Honestly, this would have been cute if she'd taken the five minutes required to swap the leggings for jeans. As it is, she looks like she just threw on the boots she'd left by her front door and tossed on a jacket to race from her cozy living room and down the driveway to grab the paper before racing back inside the house for coffee and scones, with her head down in the hopes that if she doesn't make eye contact with any of her neighbors, it'll be like she hasn't just been spotted in her front yard in her jammies. We've all done that.
Except she's doing it in broad daylight, in public, and Cisco officially looks more put together than she does. All I know is, it must be cold in hell right now.