August 16, 2007
Well Played, Joel Madden
Congratulations on impending fatherhood. Although it's a little weird to think that the guy who dated Hilary Duff before she was legal is now starting a family (and would presumably beat up any horny twenty-something jackhole who tried any of that on HIS theoretical daughter), but we're fairly sure you'll take to it, since you seem nice to your girlfriends and you like to defend their honor and such. Also, you hate Spencer, and as the saying goes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend -- or at least, the drinking buddy I invite out once a month so that we can knock back a couple cold ones and talk about how the object of our shared loathing keeps finding ways to out-dicksmack himself. (I mean, probably charging your probably fake engagement ring for your probably staged not-quite-proposal on your friend's credit card and then tossing the box at your probably doomed fiance and saying, "I don't know which finger it goes on," or some shit, so that she has to do the honors herself? Pretty pricky, Spencer "Puts The 'Prat' In" Pratt.)
But, back to the matter at hand: Joel, what I'd really like to congratulate you on is the act of knocking up Nicole Richie.
[Photo: Splash News]
Getting her pregnant seemed like a scientific impossibility, so unless (or maybe even if) you took a page from that old Aaron Spelling soap Sunset Beach and employed a top-secret turkey baster, that is some magical sperminating you did. Pat yourself on the wang for that one.
Even though babies are cute, though, I would mostly like to express gratitude for the fact that your womb fertilizing has made her look so much better. The pregnancy weight is helping tremendously. Generic Hollywood Starlet Hairstyle No. 2 is a little tired, and I won't pretend I'm not confused by the sunglasses (what is that -- half a tribute to Carrie Donovan?), but frankly, I'm just relieved she no longer could come to a full stop behind that tree and be completely concealed by it. Your sperm might have saved her life. Seriously. If the weight loss could have been due to drugs, as she implied to Diane Sawyer, and if she felt the need to state that she hasn't done any substances since finding out she was pregnant... well, let's just say that without a little Joel Juice and a lot of divine intervention, she may well have stayed that wee and unhealthy for a long time.
I mean, sure, even this far along in her pregnancy, she's still only back to "petite," but she's at least person-sized now as opposed to looking like you could use her to pick your teeth after a rib dinner. (Although... it turns out I can't let go of the shades as easily as I thought. Are they broken transition lenses? Did she and Kanye go to the same party where amusing trick glasses popped out of one of those novelty bombs that explodes whimsy all over your table? What? Help me.)
At any rate, way to go, Joel, for finding the only way to make Nicole Richie look partway human again. May she enjoy her reacquaintance with food so thoroughly that she continues the love affair after she pops. See what you can do about that. I'm worried enough that Lindsay Lohan is going to kick it before her time, or that Britney is going to blow herself up in a meth lab; I don't need to fret about how Lionel would cope with Nicole's untimely demise -- besides through song, obviously -- on top of all that.
Best of luck to you,
P.S. If it's a girl, don't call her Lionelle. The tribute is nice but it sounds more like a brand of paper towels than a person. Thanks.
November 22, 2006
AMA Nonfug Carpet: Well Played, Nicole Richie
It's terribly appropriate that the day after she fired Rachel Zoe, Nicole Richie shows up at the AMAs looking like the proverbial million bucks:
I've long held that Nicole actually really benefited from Zoe's influence at the beginning of her make-over, and she was one of the only starlets Zoe dressed who I thought could actually pull off the boho thing. But the general disdain that we here at GFY HQ have for Zoe is no secret -- there's the fact that all her girls began to look exactly alike, and exactly like her, and then there are, of course, those nasty but widespread rumors about how, exactly, Zoe allegedly gets her clients so slender -- so there's something schadenfreudelicious about Nicole ditching her in favor of "more positive influences."
Whatever positive influences she's surrounding herself with now, they've certainly had a positive influence on her appearance. I covet her dress, I love her make-up (thank god she's ditched the fake-and-bake), and her dark hair is very becoming. Also, not be indelicate, but...nice rack, Richie. We're glad to see that your boobs are back.
But most heart-warming thing of all -- sorry, it's Thankgiving, and around the holidays the cuddly sweethearts inside our crusty and evil exteriors occasionally make a break for it -- is that she looks happy. Who knew that firing Rachel Zoe would turn out to be the best beauty treatment she could get?
October 12, 2006
The Simple Fug
Los Angeles, recently:
PARIS: Dude, I'm so happy we're friends again.
NICOLE: Me too.
PARIS: You make me look so tall and healthy.
NICOLE: You make me feel so small and delicate. And smart. I enjoy that.
PARIS: I'm just glad we're over that thing that happened.
NICOLE: Me too. Our friendship is more important.
PARIS: I know. I mean, bros before hos, right? I seriously never would have hooked up with him if I knew you really liked him.
PARIS: Stabby. If I'd known you were THAT into him, I never would have stolen him from you.
PARIS: STABBY. STABBY NACHOS.
NICOLE: Who is Stabby Nachos?
PARIS: You know, tall? Greek? Your boyfriend?
NICOLE: Stavros Niarchos?
PARIS: That is what I SAID. STABBY NACHOS.
NICOLE: He's not my boyfriend.
PARIS: He was until I stole him from you.
PARIS: Or was that your sister?
NICOLE: I don't HAVE a sister. YOU have a sister.
PARIS: We both have sisters, dumbass. We're both the skinny sister! Woo! Remember?
NICOLE: Paris. I don't have a sister.
PARIS: Um, did they give you electroshock therapy when you were in that eating disorder thingie? You totally have a sister. You guys were on that TV show forever, like when you were little kids? Remember? You guys are twins, or something.
NICOLE: Paris, that's Mary-Kate Olsen.
PARIS: YOU'RE Mary-Kate Olsen.
NICOLE: NO, I'M NOT.
PARIS:...are you sure?
PARIS: Really? Because I think you're wrong. You look just like her. Do you have your driver's license with you? Because I don't think I believe you.
NICOLE: I'M NOT MARY-KATE OLSEN.
PARIS: Then who the hell are you?
NICOLE: It's NICOLE.
PARIS: Um. So, this is awkward.
PARIS: I guess the friends thing is off again, then.
NICOLE: You know what you did.
August 10, 2006
So I guess some people think she's gained weight or something and if that's true, I'm happy for her. I wouldn't know, because I am too busy LOOKING AT THIS HAIR:
What is going on here? Nicole, as regular readers know, actually isn't featured on GFY very often. She is usually impeccably put together. For example, very few starlets rock the head scarf the way Nicole does. Which is why it's so alarming to see her with these ratty extensions in. They look like they've been chewed on.
I hope that's not part of her new diet.
June 21, 2006
The Simple Fug
Look, there's no denying that Nicole Richie NEEDED a stylist. Remember this?
Damn, she was a hot mess. (Although, in retrospect, her fleshly little bod is cute. She should have held on to some of that. ) The hair? No. The....knee sock things? No. The...everything? NO. No. No. No, no, no.
And then the stylist entered. And at first, it was all sweetness and light in the Kingdom of Richie. She toned up and cleaned up, and yes, she cleaned up good:
Adorable. Great color, great accessories, great change for the better. Well done, Nicole! Well done, Stylist Whose Name We Didn't Know At The Time.
And then. Then things took, as we all know, a turn for the worse. Nicole got skinnier and skinnier and tanner and tanner. Her hair started to fall out. Her sunglasses ate her face. Her bag was the size of a Geo Metro. And we all learned the name of Nicole's stylist: Rachel Zoe. And for a while, Rachel Zoe was THE SHIT. All the starlets began to look Zoe-fied. Lindsay Lohan dropped weight like a kid with a tape worm. Mischa Barton could barely carry her ginourmous satchels. Everywhere you looked, everyone looked exactly the same.
And then the plot grew more sinister yet. Behold Nicole Richie in a photo taken just last night:
Behold Rachel Zoe:
It's like deja vu all over again.
Now, don't get me wrong: Nicole is almost always beautifully dressed. She suits Zoe's aesthetic more than anyone else, and I don't know if that's just serendipitous, or if Zoe and Nicole just work together nicely. But there is a limit. And I feel like the moment you wake up and look in the mirror and realize that you look EXACTLY LIKE YOUR STYLIST is the moment you decide not to rely on that stylist quite so much.
Not to mention the fact that Rachel Zoe is allegedly only 33 years old. Look at that face. Can you think of a better advertisement for the faithful application of sunscreen and the occasional consumption of saturated fat than her deep-fried ass? Break out the Coppertone once in a while, kid, or you're going to end up as leathery as the Chloe bags you pressed on every under 25 in town last season.
January 25, 2006
Fug, Is It Me You're Looking For?
There are several things about this picture of Nicole Richie that make me sad:
[Via Oh No They Didn't]
1) Nicole, say what you will about her alarming lack of body fat, is probably the only person in the western world who can pull off the boho thing and still look elegant, which she does 96% of the time. But I think the lack of protein in her diet has gone to her brain, because this outfit just ain't right. And if her clothes go south, I don't know what we've got left with her.
2) Look how fly Lionel looks. For real. I can't help but think that he's looking at his little -- and I mean that in all senses of the word -- girl and saying to himself, "I am really upset about how thin she is. Also, what is that vest? Damn." So in addition to hurting our eyes, Nicole is also hurting a man who by rights should be dancing on the ceiling, all night long (all night), over how great he himself looks.
3) No, really. What is up with the string vest? God, people, if anything is a cry for help and attention, it's a string vest. Let's get this girl straightened out.
September 21, 2005
Two Times a Fugging
Jenny McCarthy had National Talk Like A Pirate Day (plus her own innate poor taste). But what's Nicole Richie's excuse?
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
Despite that whole human bobblehead thing she's got going on, Nicole usually looks rather nice on the red carpet -- but that thing is swallowing her whole. Maybe I should just be happy that at least something in this picture is eating.
April 14, 2005
Young Hot Hollyfug Awards: Nicole Richie
Her transition from hobo to haute couture, while also shaving off a few pounds, has been one of the best unfuggings in recent memory, but Nicole Richie is starting to go a little too far with her physical transformation:
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]
She is freaky skinny now. She's getting like Puffy McBulimiaface herself, Renee Zellweger: a rail-thin frame topped with a giant, scary bobblehead.
Please eat, Nicole. If I pulled a cake out of the oven and dipped you into it, I would know whether it was done baking. You shouldn't diet yourself down to wood-shaving status. Open your mouth, shovel food into it, chew, swallow, and then KEEP IT THERE.
August 13, 2004
Goodbye, Fug (For Now): Nicole Richie
Occasionally, here at Go Fug Yourself, we like to recognize the Formerly Fugly who have cleaned up their acts. And you know whose act is totally sparkling these days? The former fugster and recipiant of a much needed and critically ballyhooed makeover, Nicole Richie.
Here's the old Nicole, who appeared to have a strained relationship with hygiene at best, although she clearly was up close and personal with The Fug:
Now, however, I completely covet her wardrobe. First of all, she's dressing for her figure perfectly. Like Les Soeurs Duff, Ms Richie has a shortish neck and a squarish bod [as, tragically, do I]. Unlike Las Duffs, however, she now dresses perfectly for said bod. Check it:
I just love that suit. It's so crisp and well tailored, and perfect for her figure. She just looks delightful.
I love this look, too:
And this one:
I don't know who managed to convince Nicole to give up her Uggs and lengthen her hemline [or how much her kicking the smack had to do with this revision of her image], but America -- and Nicole -- owes that person a debt of gratitude. Now, if we could just do something about Paris...