May 21, 2008
One Fug Hill: THE NEXT RETURN PART II
And so another season of One Tree Hill comes to an end. I can barely see through my tears. You think I jest, but I actually mean it. Well, I'm not really CRYING, but this was a seriously satisfying season -- full of: near-drownings; kidnappings; people being left at the altar; people finding out they need a heart transplant and then proceeding to stalk the comatose body of the person ahead of them on the transplant list and also purchasing for themselves a giant headstone (complete with headshot!) proclaiming them to be a great husband, father and brother when in fact they were none of those things and then also arranging to have themselves buried next to very grave of the brother they murdered -- a grave they also accidentally set on fire that one time; shirtless bartenders beating up junkies; and people who were just paralyzed because they were lazy. And, of course, a rich and varied history of REALLY BAD DUDE HAIR. What am I supposed to do all summer without copious infusions of man bangs?
At least the finale took that history of crappy man 'dos and BROUGHT IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
For one thing, we opened with this:
Okay, so no one is even looking at his hair. But CMM drinking shirtless next to a dog that has its own drink is simply too awesome to ignore. And apparently once you go drinking with a Labrador retriever, you might wake up with this:
Wait, let's take another look at that:
That's right. And it's AWESOME. Thank you, One Tree Hill writers, for giving CMM a mohawk. Damn, it feels like MY BIRTHDAY. It's almost as though you crazy kids got together and brainstormed what else you could possibly do to his head, after all the years of the straw and the wind tunnel and the porn 'stache. And the only thing left was a mohawk. And for that, I thank you. May I suggest that he open next season with long, Bo-Derekian cornrows? Think of how awesome they'll look flying around when he's chewing the scenery!
And while it's tough to top a mohawk, then we have Dan, the heart-transplant-needing convicted murderer who spent most of the finale considering murdering a man of God in order to steal his organs, and who was last seen with heeeedious Pete Wentz-ian emo man-bangs. This new look is....not an improvement:
But Dan paid for his newly square head. And he paid for it IN BLOOD:
How's your hair now, dude? NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN RUN OVER BY A CAR? Tree Hill, by the way, is one of the vehicular incident capitals of the world: Dan just got run over (right as a new heart became available, of course), Rick Fox ran over Haley a few years ago (to punish her husband for not fixing a basketball game, obviously, and therefore causing CMM to have a heart attack and go into a coma. AGAIN), and then of course three years ago one of the tertiary characters hijacked a wedding limo with his on-again, off-again underage cheerleader girlfriend and accidentally drove it off a bridge into a river, where Nathan and the ghost of his murdered Uncle Keith had to fish them out of the drink. Stay off the streets of Tree Hill!
AND AWAY FROM THE HAIR SALONS. Damn.
April 16, 2008
One Fug Hill: THE NEXT RETURN
One of the most awesome thing about One Tree Hill is its unswerving desire to try out an endless series of terrible haircuts on its male leads. They did it to Chad Michael Murray, they did it to James Lafferty, and now they've turned their Scissors of Shame on Paul Johansson, the brother-murdering, grave-immolating, grandchild-rescuing, pre-schooler-threatening, graffiti-hallucinating, former mayor turned jailbird-wackjob:
Dudes, I know he just got out of jail, and then: crashed his son's wedding, at which said son was left at the alter when the bride realized LIKE THREE WEEKS AFTER THE FACT that his second book was all about how he was secretly in love with this other girl, even though she is allegedly AN EDITOR and ought to be better at READING COMPREHENSION; found time to have a big fight with his daughter-in-law while he was actually pretty busy skulking around; and then saved his grandchild from the clutches of his other son's psychotic nanny, up-to and including choking said kidnapper out. So he's been busy. TOO BUSY, perhaps, to have time to skip over to the Tree Hill Barber Shoppe and have them give him this Panic At The Disco 'do. Poor Dan. What does he have to do to get some respect? He already killed his brother, blamed it on a trouble teenager who just happened to be in the middle of a school-shooting spree, and then set his brother's grave on fire! HE WILL CUT A BITCH.
January 09, 2008
One Fug Hill: THE RETURN
At the end of the television season last year, I took you all on a journey. A meaningful, touching, emotional journey full of fake-gayness and hair gel. A journey through Chad Michael Murray's hair choices on One Tree Hill. Well, thank god our long, dry, CMM-less summer/fall is over, because OTH is back, and dudes, the hair is WORSE THAN EVER (for the menfolk. The girls actually look kind of great). And, yet, the show is so good/bad. People are fake-paralyzed! Daphne Zuniga is there, and she is a full-on, Dr. Kimberly Shaw-style mega bitch, because she can be! And there were Important Statements about how Anorexia Is an Illness, Not a Style Choice! And there's a cute kid in a cape! And sexual harassment of the weakest of sauces! And Sophia Bush's character not only runs an incredibly successful fashion line, SHE HAS HER OWN MAGAZINE! At 22! But, like the character in the Britney Spears' song "Lucky," she cries, cries, cries in her lonely heart, because if there is nothing missing in her life, why doooo the tears come at night? (Apparently, it is because success is hollow without love, or something.) Oh, it's so bad/fantastic. And, speaking of Britney, K-Fed is going to guest star in a couple of weeks! Like things could not get better.
One thing that could get better, though, would be the grammatical construction of Sophia Bush's clothing line's name:
For serious? I get that TECHNICALLY her clothing line COULD be called "Clothes Over Brothers," and TECHNICALLY "bro's" is a contraction thereof, but that's a lie. It's apostrophe misuse and I object.
You know what else I object to?
And now for the side view (as if this were a mug shot, which in many ways it is, for this hair is criminal):
That is some bad f'ing hair on James Lafferty. Sure, his character is suddenly a faux-paralyzed rageaholic drunk (he can walk, he just kinda doesn't want to, because he's so BUMMED about stuff), but is that any reason to make him look like the truly unholy combination of Christ on a bender and Charles Manson? Or is this terrible downturn (complete with patchy, ill-seeded facial hair) the result of a mid-hiatus memo from CMM along the lines of, "Dear Producers, I am tired of having the worst hair on this show and I won't stand for it any longer! F WITH SOMEONE ELSE OR I TAKE MY CHILD BRIDE AND I WALK!"?
I guess he didn't walk, as his rage was soothed by:
A shirt that reads, "MR LOVERMAN." (A) I'm so sure, and (B) I'm glad to see you're working The Seacrest hair this season, Chad. PS: Why are you so sweaty? Is this perspiration problem the harbinger of yet another secret, tragic disease that your character will endure, leading eventually to yet another coma (your character's THIRD) in which People From the Beyond Teach You Things? I hope so. Ah, but for all my blathering about your hair and wardrobe, you said it best yourself, in your attempt to write a follow-up to your successful debut novel:
June 15, 2007
One Tree Fug
It was while I was catching up with the shenanigans on One Tree Hill -- my not-at-all-secret-shame -- that Heather informed me we had reached our 2,000th post. If I were a character on One Tree Hill, of course, I would celebrate this milestone by: accidentally setting a grave on fire, impregnating 2-4 woman at a wedding; driving a limo off a bridge; framing a suicidal teen for murder; or beating the bejeesus of out of the already dead body of Rick Fox (sorry, Rick). Instead, on this most momentous occasion, and to mark the end of teen soap season (Hidden Palms doesn't really count -- sorry, Kevin Williamson), I present to you the one thing that brings relief to me during this long summer without secret affairs with fake virgins, parents with substance abuse problems, or sociopaths posing as long-lost family members: photographic proof of how very much better off we all are when we don't have to look at Chad Michael Murray's hair, if we can help it.
It is important to remember how Chad Michael Murry began:
Yes, that IS Lindsay Lohan. Remember when she and Hilary Duff were feuding over CMM, right after they feuded about Aaron Carter? As far as Lindsay goes, that behavior was a total harbinger of things to come. But Chad -- Serial Monogamist and, from what we hear, semi-professional douchewad -- at least had the good sense to get away from La Lohan and get a haircut.
Nowadays, CMM looks decent at most events, but on-screen, oh, it is brutal. I would theorize that the show's stylists sided with Sophia Bush after she had to annul their marriage in wake of his allegedly cheating on her with Paris Hilton, but he's looked a mess since the get-go.
"Oh, I dunno. I guess I just put a shitload of gel in it and then blow-dry it straight back, for like twenty minutes? Sometimes I just go outside and look for a wind tunnel to stand in. How do you do yours?"
Please don't let her notice that I used a Weed-Wacker to trim my hair. Please don't let her notice I used a Weed-Wacker to trim my hair. Please don't let her notice I used a Weed-Wacker to trim my hair. Shit, did I forget to look sensitive there for a sec? Back to work.
"So then I decided I might as well grow it back out, you know? But I think it kind of looks like hay. I mean, literally. Actual hay, sticking of my head. Like when the Scarecrow takes off his hat. Do you think I'm overreacting? What...? Oh, no, I was thinking about growing a goatee. No?"
"Yeah, I started shaving the goatee, and the next thing I knew, I just took it all off. I don't know how that happened. I can't get it out of my head, man. Every time I close my eyes, I just see myself with my head half hair, half bald. It's...terrifying."
What is that smell? Damn, I KNEW this 'stache was a bad idea. AND I almost opened a vein last night putting in my Dippity Do. Why didn't I stick with the shaved head? Why? God, I'm so troubled. At least this is going to make an amazing scene in the book I'm writing. I think I'm going to call it The Unkindness of Ravens and then read all the segments I wrote about my friends -- without changing their names -- to them at our graduation party. Is that self-involved? Oh, who cares? Why am I in a hotel room? Or is this a prison? Where's my notebook?
I can't believe Tyler Hilton can be so happy when he knows we can never truly be together. I'm incredibly tortured. But between you and me, if I'd known that getting my hair to do this Dylan McKay thing was going to get me some spooning, I would have done it years ago.
And as for me, I have a confession. I don't feel better about the end of Teen Soap Season at all. I feel worse. I'll be missing fake-gay spooning and wind-tunnel head and mysterious facial hair! Now I'm depressed. At least there's always SoapNet.