May 23, 2008
Fuggity Fug Fugalamadingdong Oh My God I'm Out Of Ideas For Titles With Her
And what's more:
[Photo: Splash News]
YAWN. Check, please.
May 16, 2008
At first, I thought Paris Hilton might have been allowed to attend one of the many global horse-racing events that encourage crazy hats and wonky poses like you are deeply drunk on Pimm's Cups.
But, no. She's just promoting her fragrance, "Can Can," which a) I am afraid might be so named because it smells like Paris does after a night of dancing at the clubs, and b) is apparently aimed at girls who piss off their cousins by going to their country weddings wearing white dresses and hats that resemble a contemporary-art take on bird excrement; cozying up to the cute young vicar at the reception after pouring vodka into his tonic; and then dragging him under the head table to make out until they are discovered midway through the father-daughter dance, at which point he's got lipstick on his forehead and his pants are on his head.
May 05, 2008
Fugpo: The Fugnetic Fugpera
In the wake of news that Project Runway's first season for Lifetime will be shot in Los Angeles, I am concerned that Paris Hilton is putting together a portfolio of pieces for her audition.
I am not sure how else to explain this, except that Paris dared herself to create an outfit from nothing but an existing dress and the contents of Candy Spelling's wrapping room. Which might be spectacularly prescient of her if Macy's pulls out and Tim Gunn is forced to remind his designers to make full use of the Hallmark Gold Crown Store Accessories Wall, but otherwise makes me hope the maid will sneak into Paris's room at night and disable the hot-glue gun.
March 14, 2008
Wow. I knew, in the back of my mind, that Nicky Hilton had been looking skinnier and skinnier in the last few months, but it only hit me when I saw her arrive at the L.A. Fashion Week tents on Tuesday night to prep for her Nicholai By Nicky Hilton show.
Holy cats. I hope David Katzenberg has some Godivas and a steak hidden in that box, because, GIRL, no. Your show is behind you now, so please, do yourself a favor and dive into some sourdough.
March 12, 2008
NICKY: So, my fashion show is toni --
PARIS: HEY! HELLO! TAKE MY PICTURE!
NICKY: Hey! I look cute back here, and I'm, you know, the designer, so maybe you might want to have me in the forefront of --
PARIS: How is that angle? Is that angle working for me? Do I pop in this red? I really do, don't I?
NICKY: Um....hello? Do I have to just...strike a pose at random back here? Do I have to remind everyone that this is my night! IT'S MY NIGH --
PARIS: Don't you just LOOOOVE my half-gloves? I know it's like 90 degrees today and it's March and it's Los Angeles, and even Lindsay Lohan tossed these out at some point in January, but I thought I should support my sister by showing up wearing the most plentiful and obnoxious accessories available so that people would be looking at ME in case the clothes were like really terrible and ugly. I was going to wear those crazy-ass Kanye West venetian-blinds-style sunglasses, but I accidentally drove over them with my car on the way here, along with Benji's foot. WHOOPSIE!
NICKY: I would LIKE IT if someone would, for once, pay attention to m--
PARIS: I'm also planning on wearing this red to her wedding one day. DON'T TELL.
NICKY: I'm planning on killing her one day. Don't tell. Oh, wait: no one is listening to me anyway.
March 03, 2008
The Fuglie and the Nottie
You will never guess what I've got now. Check. It. OUT.
Doesn't he freaking ROCK? You know how much I've been wanting a baby ever since Nicole got one, but then I realized EVERYONE in this town has babies. It's so ordinary now. But how many celebrities in this town have their very own Wise Old Dude? RIGHT? JACKPOT!!!!! He answered an ad I put on Craigslist looking for a monk, but I'm not sure if he really is, because when I asked him to sing that "I'm A Believer" song as proof he just closed his eyes and cried. He's so SENSITIVE. And colorful! It's awesome, but I'm totally going to give him a makeover next week. He needs some aviator sunglasses and a trucker hat, I think, because you're no one in this town unless you look like an asshole, and they'll never let him into Hyde without them.
He's already making me smarter, too. We went to this store that's an ENTIRE room full of BOOKS. It's like this whole side of L.A. I didn't know existed! It's SORT of weird that he doesn't seem to want to sleep with me -- not that I really want to sleep with him, but, like, it's the principle of the thing, and I am NOTHING if not principled (what UP, prison thesaurus!), so I put on my best nude fishnets and virginal dress and everything -- but then he started saying something about abstinence, and I could always use better abs, so I'm gonna hold off and just see where he's going with that. Plus, when I kept playing with my split ends during my meditation lesson, he totally broke down and gave me some tips on deep conditioning. Suck on THAT, Nicole! I'd like to see your baby discuss hair products! WHO'S WINNING NOW??!?
Ohmmmmm (or something; I don't know, I don't speak Latin),
February 05, 2008
The Fuggie and the Nottie
So....I'm confused. Is it possible that Paris Hilton cracked her head in the bathroom while back-combing her hair and when she came to, instead of, say inventing the flux capacitor, found herself under the mistaken impression that her new movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, was going to be awarded the Palme d'Or, or perhaps was on the receiving end of honors from Kennedy Center?
Because otherwise, I'm not quite sure what the reasoning is behind the Barbie Goes to the Oscars look. Let's be honest: in three-and-a-half years, the girl is likely to be releasing a remake titled The Hottie and the Naughty. Maybe she feels like she has to strike the Major Awards Show Look while the iron...I was going to say "is hot," but let's go with "existed."
January 21, 2008
Fab AND Fug: Paris Hilton
If GFY had a currency, like Disneyland, or Canada, surely one side would be FUG and the other, FAB, enabling us to make decisions like, "are Ugg boots okay, if it's seventeen below zero?" And on this coin, I can't help but think, would be someone much like Miss Paris Hilton, who is currently at Sundance, surely because she is nothing if not a great patroness of the art of film.
This would be the FAB side:
Okay, technically, it's fab tinged with a hint of Star Trek's Rocking New Year's Eve Party, but she looks cute. I like shiny.
This, of course, would be the FUG side:
PARIS. Stop wearing clothing with pictures of yourself splashed all over them, or with your name on them. Coming from some people, that sort of thing can be sort of self-deprecating (like when Winona Ryder appeared on the cover of W in a "Free Winona" shirt after her whole shop-lifting to-do), but you can only pull that off when the general public is willing to believe that you can spell "self-deprecating."
January 07, 2008
Sometimes I would dearly, dearly love to be a fly on the cavernous, chilly wall of Paris Hilton's cranial attic -- some might call it her "brain," but I tend to think of it more of a "head-space."
[Photo: Splash News]
See, I love that Paris's way of braving the chill and the rain in L.A. was to wear a tiny leather jacket, stretched-thin footless tights, a miniskirt, a halter top she bought the last time she felt it was a Chico's kind of day, and a fedora to fend off approximately three percent of all the precipitation. And so it all makes me want to read her mind-leaflet, to better understand whether she checked herself out in the mirror and went, "Hott, I look like a sexy-awesome person who might suddenly give away a bunch of money to charities to make the world a better place, or might do body shots off your nape." Because MY first thought when I saw it was to check if she's currently starring in a mall production of Guys & Dolls: South Pacific.
January 04, 2008
National Lampoon's Fug This!
Remember last year -- so long ago! -- when Paris went to prison, and when she came out she vowed to completely change her life by eschewing all that embarrassing public partying and club-crawling, in favor of abandoning her dumb-skank reputation and using her fortune and notoriety to make the world a better place?
[Photo: Splash News]
I wonder how that's going for her.
[Photo: Splash News]
Perhaps one of her "poems" that she "wrote" in prison explores how the simple act of wearing relatively pure white cotton panties is so revirginizing, it doesn't matter if you're flashing them at everyone while rubbing yourself on a stage. If she titles the poem, "Look Who I've Got My Hanes On Now," she might have a shot at a lucrative endorsement deal.