April 16, 2008
CMT Awards Fug Carpet: Fug Or Fab, Paula Abdul
Wow, Paula Abdul looks kind of great.
That's a nice, rich color, and I love her hair.
Of course... the sleeve is sliding off her shoulder on one side, isn't it? And the sparkly embellishments look a tiny bit like Spider Man threw a tantrum in her limo.
But it's PAULA, you know? I feel like it's a blessing if she even manages to wander into the correct party, on the right day, using real words in a believable order.
September 17, 2007
Emmy Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul
I realize that Paula's dress is like this on purpose. I do. And in theory, I don't disapprove.
But in practice, it's PAULA ABDUL. She has to know that, simply by dint of being Paula Abdul, people would take one look at this and blindly assume not that her dress was designed that way, but rather that she was too busy drinking butterfly tears from the hoof of a centaur to know that her sparkly undergarment was showing. And when you're Paula Abdul, surely at this point you are tired of people staring at you with furrowed brows, wondering things like whether you can complete a sentence, or if anyone in your inner circle thoughtfully dosed you with mind-altering drugs to erase the memory of your vanity-project reality show. SURELY, given ALL that, you would want to wear something safe, something that couldn't possibly make anyone leap to the conclusion that you are in a constant state of confusion.
Then again... well, I said it already: It's PAULA ABDUL. Nothing is certain except that she enjoys how you've grown, both with your soul and in your cup of Coca-Cola that the angels rained onto your heart. Plus, at this point, it's possible she can't wear anything without us finding a reason to scratch our chins and ponder her clarity of mind. We should probably be content with the fact that she's fully clothed and didn't have any lines during the telecast.
April 25, 2007
Well Played, Paula Abdul
Victory in our time!
That's right, Paula, celebrate. You look ... cute! I KNOW! The dress is fun, the shoes are fantastic, and although your Botox problem has your "smile" looking slightly more like a twisted grimace, I also know that's just unfortunate timing on this picture and I can relate because I am horribly unphotogenic. Although it does sort of look like you are resisting while Craig Ferguson is trying to escort you quickly and quietly to your car so it can take you back to the loony bin, but whatever -- I'm starting to find your incoherence and faux-drunken shenanigans amusing (to the point where I wish you'd attributed your fashion pick to the little sprites who dance on your shoulders and really shine in their own light of special rainbows; maybe you did).
Also, I do believe I actually heard you give an OPINION on American Idol last night, something that wasn't just a regurgitation of whatever Randy said before you. Did my ears deceive me? I almost hit my head on the coffee table when I fainted, I was so surprised. So well played indeed, Ms. Abdul. Let's shoot for one more of those per show. Okay? Great. Baby steps.
April 03, 2007
Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul
"YEE-HAW! I mean, hello. I'm Paula Abdul.
"I am late for my shift at Hogs and Heifers but you know what? I just have to tell you something. This awards show...has really....you've really....you touch me, Nickelodeon Awards Show thingie. I'm....touched. By your spirit. Your spirit is like the scent of uniforms -- I mean, unicorns -- unicorns. I like unicorns. They're shiny. Like my boots. And my belt buckle. And my labels. Lapels. Labpels. La la la la LAPEL! I'm sorry, that was totally pitchy, wasn't it? What would Simon say? SIMON SAYS! I like that game. It sounds like rainbows, and rainbows taste like cookies. I know you're wondering why I have a leash attached to my belt and the way you asked me about it really moved me. I am moved by it. I'm not allowed to tell you the answer because the goblins will eat my pants if I do. So SHHHH, don't ask. But just keep being a shining star in the sky of this orange carpet and know that your soul is the pants on the mannequin of the world, okay? Now I really have to go. If I'm more than 15 minutes late they make me work the back room and the guys in there are so handsy."
March 23, 2007
Fug Up, Now Fug Me
Because when you think about the celebrities who are unlikely to be able to negotiate a long, ruffled scarf, fairly high heels and knickers without getting the scarf wrapped around the heels, falling knickers over tea kettle and accidentally getting strangled Isadora-Duncan-style...well, Paula Abdul is kind of on the top of the list.
Seriously. She's at least in the top three.
January 04, 2007
We are beside ourselves with excitement about the Golden Globes, which are about a week and a half away -- not just because we're suckers for awards shows, but chiefly due to the size of the fashion parade on that red carpet. See, the holidays can be lean times for fug, and when our available resources run dry of celebrity faux-pas, we have to find somewhere else to turn. We have to find a happy place to get us through the rough spots.
Naturally, that happy place often involves poking fun at Paula Abdul.
The following is a photo I pulled back in December, but it fell through the cracks when more resplendent fuggery overshadowed it. I would come back to it occasionally, snicker, then get bored and move along someplace more dazzlingly stupid. But like an annoying younger sibling constantly popping up in your face -- trying to steal your Benetton rugby shirt because if you had one then she had to have one and please can I borrow your stereo and please can I have your stuffed animal because it's cuter than mine and I'm taking your Top Gun soundtrack cassette now and even though your shoes are two sizes too big for me I'm taking those too because it's MY TURN (not that I would know ANYTHING about being this younger sibling) -- this photo wouldn't go away. And now, in our hour of need, it's here for us (just as heroically as I am sure the aforementioned adult-angel version of that annoying younger sibling would be, IF she were real).
And so, in synch with the upcoming return of that talent contest she hosts -- have you heard of it? I can't quite recall the name at present -- we give to you: Paula Abdul in a bad corset.
What cracks me up about this corset is its air of being a really undisciplined teen craft project, designed by someone who thinks no outfit is complete until it's been crowned with pink velvet bows. It reminds me of when I was nine and reading/watching Anne of Green Gables over and over again -- I decided that Anne was right, and that puffed sleeves were about the most glamorous and classy design touch in the world; then, when I was in the mood to pretend I knew how to draw anything beyond stick figures, I'd sketch a bunch of dresses and shirts with sleeves gloriously bloated with air.
The difference being, of course, that now, I wouldn't wear any of that stuff, because it was kind of ridiculous, and also, I wasn't kidding about not being able to draw. (Once, in Lower School, I unwittingly drew a magnificent white steed... with five legs. It was so insane that it got put on the walls of the Upper School Dining Hall with my name under it as part of some "Aw, look what lower schoolers think is art!", and I think my sisters got teased about it by their friends for a while afterwards. Oops, and oh my GOD, I need to stop digressing.) Whereas Paula up there, without the excuse of brain-addling youth on her side, is flitting around in something even Barbie would sneer at as "too childish," all the while pairing it with one of those terrible wraps that's all sleeves and nothing else. And, sure, this shouldn't shock us because historically her judgment has been proven somewhat off -- like, when she judges it appropriate to make comments on her show, she's almost always wrong to open her mouth -- but unless she's wearing this as a favor to an ailing neighbor-child whose last wish on this plane is to see her gothic princess corset appear on a red carpet, then it's a bit of a fugly mess.
Oh, PAULA. She's like Ziggy. Will she ever win?
August 28, 2006
Emmy Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul
In these crazy times -- these wild, unpredictable times -- we are grateful that until she is recaptured by the doctors whose straitjacket she slipped out of a few years ago, there will always be Paula Abdul.
And sure, this isn't as loony as half of what she wears, but the pattern is a trifle young for Ms. A -- it's much more befitting, say, an 8th grader at her very exciting graduation into high school than a talent-contest judge.
And, no less, a talent-contest judge who probably never had an 8th grade graduation, because you can't very well pass Language Arts when your idea of a complete sentence equates more to my three-year old niece's rudimentary finger-painting than, say, Claude Monet. [Although, at least my niece has a vision when she's smearing paint around.]
August 21, 2006
Teen Choice Awards: Fugga Abfug
I'm not really sure what the ski pants are in aid of, considering it's a warm Southern California August right now, but then again, this is Paula Abdul. It's possible she thinks she's at Sundance.
That, or she woefully misinterpreted some starlets in the bathroom talking about an avalanche of perfect white powder.
September 09, 2005
I don’t even know what to say about Fugster Extraordinaire and Fugly Hall of Fame memberPaula Abdul anymore:
I am seriously without speech. What is she going for, here? Dominatrix cocktail waitress? Naughty milkmaid? Blind Former Popstar? She Who Picks Her Clothes Out in the Dark?
April 04, 2005
Paula Abdul seems to believe that simply attending the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards means that she needs to dress like one of the titular young voters:
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]
This looks like something Snow White would wear on laundry day. Did I miss the memo that said the Nickelodeon voters were also picking out what the attendees would wear? Because this looks like the work of a pre-pubescent girl on a sugar high. Or maybe Laura Ingalls Wilder, if she were thinking of becoming a Vegas stripper but wanted to dive in slowly.
Even the woman behind her seems skeptical. Sneering, almost. As if to wonder what any poor pair of breasts did to deserve such shoddy treatment. Memo to Paula: Wearing a corset two sizes too small doesn't make them look pert; it makes them look perturbed.