May 06, 2008
Met Ball Fug Carpet: Posh & Becks
Bless that Victoria Beckham. She continues to fuel my suspicion that all her nutty getups are merely a ploy to make people look at her, because she knows otherwise we'll all be gazing lustily at the prime cut of man-loin she married.
I'm not entirely sure where the theme comes into play here -- what is she evoking? Nightie Girl? Captain Bedjacket? I Wonder How She's Keeping Her Bits And Pieces Hidden Woman? Not that the superhero shtick was mandatory; just that you'd think wearing a glorified bathrobe wouldn't be Vicky's first choice unless it meant something. Which is precisely why I hope it means absolutely NOTHING except that our girl Vicky wanted people to stare at her all night while they tried to interpret her translucent whim. Naturally, the whole thing only makes me love her more. Pop a veil on her head and she could skulk around Salem for MONTHS on Days of our Lives, haunting the evil Stefano and dropping strange clues at very public places without anyone noticing, despite her unconventional garb. If we have to lose Passions and its castrating serial killer/drunk surgeon reattaching certain organs backwards/Erection of Doom storyline, then at LEAST promise me Posh hurling poisoned paper airplanes at Roman Brady. It's the least the Fates can do.
January 15, 2008
Every Boy And Every Girl, Fug Up Your Life
SPORTY: Don't you love my bangs?
GINGER: Don't you love how I sort of look like I'm taking my aging tips from Madonna, with the yoga and the muscles and the wavy hair?
BABY: Don't you love daydreaming? Like, say, about a time you can take off a huge wrap that makes you look boxy?
SOLDIER DUDE: Hi, Mom! Can you see me? HI!
SCARY: Don't you love going to the hairdresser to get a piece of Mel's bangs action, and coming away looking older and like a flight attendant on a really cheap airline? Take your unapproved electronic devices and shove them up your arses, mmmkay? Buh-bye.
BABY: Don't you miss Posh?
SPORTY: Where IS Posh?
SCARY: Dunno -- who's the really reedy gay dude down the end, though? Maybe he's her stand-in?
GINGER: He has BOOBS, though. I think I recognize those, actually.
BABY: I thought that was Angelina Jolie!
SPORTY: I thought it was a really big Chuck Norris fan!
SOLDIER DUDE: I thought it was Becks!
POSH: Don't you people just love androgyny? It's so hot right now. Well, it is when you get your rack out. That's what Roberto said: "Are you a man? Are you a woman? Are you everything? I need to see more of your breasts."
GINGER: Bollocks, now NOBODY will be looking at me. This is awful.
SCARY: Well, I've got a hot tip on where the emergency exits are, if anyone wants the demonstration.
December 04, 2007
The Fug Girls
It's finally here: The Glorious Ladies of High Camp are back together, dancing, singing or making sounds that approximate it, and no doubt making innumerable amazing costume changes.
[All photos by Splash News]
I loved the Spice Girls the first time around -- who didn't think Geri was rather amusingly cheeky, pinching Prince Chuck's bum like that? -- and am, naturally, beside myself at the prospect of seeing them in L.A. on Friday night. There are few acts that would inspire me to scream gibberish like "ZIG-A-ZIG-AAAAH" in public at my age, and yet that's what I will be doing. Hopefully with a beer in my hand. It's going to be like attending a college party all over again, except with tiered seating, less snow on the ground, and zero chance of me accidentally finding myself in the middle of a keg stand. If I had a Union Jack minidress, I would wear it.
Despite my affinity for Ginger, though, the main event is always going to be Posh -- she who clearly has an awesome sense of humor despite the prevailing perception that she's a sullen cow, she who cracked in her book That Extra Half An Inch that she's always known Joan Collins is her real mother, and she whose clothes are such an amazing source of amusement that I secretly (well, until now) hope that a thousand years from now, aliens discover Earth, dig up a time capsule that's been filled with the entire contents of her closet, and benevolently decide to resurrect the human race on the assumption that we were all that entertaining to behold.
Based on stills from the Vancouver show, I have this to look forward to:
I had a Sindy doll when I was younger -- she was Britain's stab at making a Barbie, I believe, but she had a brown bob, a way larger head, and wasn't endowed to the point where you were pretty sure she'd topple over if she ever became real. Anyway, my Sindy was a ballerina with glittery tights, and that's the first thing I thought of when I saw this outfit: that Posh was a Sindy all grown up and come to life, with poseable limbs and everything; and, much like my Sindy, it's possible Posh's feet are permanently stuck in the tiptoe position. Hopefully Vicky will not meet the same fate -- Sindy, I believe, turned into a kind of punky she-man who bred My Little Ponies and gave my lone Barbie romantic fits -- but it's only fitting that a woman whom everyone accuses of being plastic would trot onstage in something that evokes my childhood toy.
And do my eyes deceive me, or are these STRETCHY GOLD STIRRUP PANTS?
AND it's complete with matching fingerless gloves. Bless the sweet fashion alchemy that brought us this gold-plated Fembot Spice, for Posh never disappoints. She looks like a Rockette performing a song-and-dance ode to Dot Matrix. I can't wait until she gets to the part where she meets the mog -- half-man, half-dog -- named Barf; that is going to be one heck of an interpretive dance.
November 16, 2007
I Really, Really, REALLY Wanna Zig-Ah-Zig-Fug
[Photo: Splash News]
SCARY: Listen, I just want you all to know that if a tango threatens to break out, I'm here for you.
BABY: I'm just here being cute! It's what I do!
SPORTY: Alexis Colby, reporting for duty. I WANT THOSE OIL LEASES.
GINGER: I wish they still made Skating With Celebrities. Although, I just had a marvelous idea. Think of it: Spice On Ice!
POSH: These people disappoint me. Why WEAR the dress when you can tie it to yourself?
SCARY: How about Dancing With The Spice On Ice? Oh, wait, my paso doble would MELT THE JOINT.
BABY: Hey Sporty, can I play Krystal in this scene? Or Amanda? Can I? I love you! I just want us to hug.
SPORTY: Do what I say, Baby, or I'll fire you and replace you with a band member that will. I hate you, BLAKE. Make love to me, DEX. You're mine in the boardroom AND the bedroom.
GINGER: I am a little frightened standing between these two, I'm not gonna lie. Especially if Sporty is itching for a catfight.
POSH: Seriously, WHAT is the point of supporting a lingerie store and its bloody expensive stuff if no one's going to see it in public? SIGH. Nobody understands. I'm five years ahead of all these bimbos.
SCARY: I wonder if this tour is going to be a bad idea. What if I win my dancing show? What if the world needs to see more of me doing the rumba instead of explaining what to do if you wanna be my lover?
BABY: Oh, don't leave us, Mel, I love you! You're so pretty! Here, take Sporty, she'll beat some sense into you! Lovingly!
SPORTY: You're nothing but a second-rate lounge act, Dominique! King Galen, every time you come into my life something awful happens. Krystle, I can't wait to see you leave here with the same cheap plastic suitcases you came in carrying. YOU KNOW THE WAY OUT.
GINGER: Does anyone know what's going on? God, leaving looks pretty smart now. Was I dumb to come back to this thing?
POSH: Bollocks to these boring glittery idiots. I give up. But if anyone wants to make Pretty In Pink 2, call me. It'll be may-jah.
July 23, 2007
Bend It Like Fugham
TOM CRUISE: IT'S GOOD TO BE TOM CRUISE!
KATIE HOLMES: I am a tall drink of water, aren't I? Suck on these heels, Tom.
POSH: What is Jada WEARING?
BECKS: These people all make me a little uneasy.
JADA PINKETT SMITH: I look JUST like Posh. Short black dress, loads of boobs, sore expression. I'm awesome.
WILL SMITH: This party is OFF THE HOOK! I wonder if the DJ will play "Willennium" if I ask.
TOM: I'M THE KING OF HOLLYWOOD. I don't even care that Katie threw out the lifts in these shoes. That's right, America. THE CRUISES THROW A TOTALLY BOSS PAR-TAY!
KATIE: I don't care what anyone says. I like this haircut, and I'm going to keep it. I can do whatever I want. I control me.
POSH: Is Jada....she's not trying to look like me, is she? She didn't think this was a Posh and Becks themed fancy dress party, did she? This is awkward. Also, I'm hungry.
BECKS: I think Jada's nipple might be popping out of that pillowcase she's wearing. I better look...over there. And think about something else. Like my muscular, manly thighs.
JADA: Is my nipple popping out? Would Victoria check to see if her nipple was popping out? I don't think so. Keep your bitchface on, Jada.
WILL: I'm glad I wore my dancing shoes. Wait until I have the DJ play "Getting Jiggy Wit' It." I WILL be gettin' jiggy wit' it. I can't wait to ditch the rest of these weirdos and have some fun. Although I bet Becks can dance. Look at those legs.
June 28, 2007
Spice Up Your Fug
At today's announcement of the VERY MUCH ANTICIPATED (at least by us. And George) Spice Girls reunion:
POSH: Oi. My tits are killing me in this thing.
SPORTY: I am just SO HAPPY you guys didn't make me wear that tracksuit!
GINGER: Wait. Is this OUR reunion announcement? Shit. I thought I was going to the photoshoot for the Stevie Nicks tribute band I'm in on weekends. Okay. Just be cool, Geri.
BABY: Baby Spice is HAVING A BABY! Doesn't that make you feel OLD? I'm also wearing a teeny tiny cape. Just for fun! 2 become 1!!
SCARY: SUCK ON THIS, EDDIE MURPHY.
POSH: When this is over, I am calling Karl and telling him never to do this to my breasts again. Of course, then he'll say something totally surreal like, "BOOB TAPE SHALL BE YOUR HAN SOLO" and what do you say to that?
SPORTY: You know what? I'm not going to do any of those karate-style high kicks anymore, EITHER. It might mess up my cute new hair. Everyone can just DEAL.
GINGER: I hope Mel wasn't serious when she told me to get my Union Jack dress back. I mean, she had to be kidding, right? Those slags at the Hard Rock are totally not returning my calls.
BABY: Ziga zig AH!
SCARY: Geri better get that Union Jack dress back. If she quits the band again, I swear I'll kill her.
June 06, 2007
Fug Up Your Life
Oh, Posh. Truly, you are magic.
A Hooker With An Animal Fetish costume is one thing, but now she's prancing around in something that looks like it was never intended to see the light of day unless she has windows in her dressing room. It's just such an unnecessary bid for attention. How many other people as famous as she is -- with as many designer connections -- would feel the need to show up at a "Woman of the Year" event wearing a repurposed body-shaper? Oh, Posh. "Victoria's Secret" does not refer to you. On so many levels. You are a pretty bad secret-keeper.
She has let slip here, for example, the fact that she loves her waxer. And that she got a manicure so that those fingerless Michael Jackson Goes Golfing gloves would show off her nails to their best advantage. And that you will be able to figure out which chairs her derrière has graced by the bum-shaped trail of sequins left behind.
We don't know why there is pocket detailing on something that is so clearly not intended to be worn on the outside (to hold her business cards? Her housekeys? Pictures of the kids? Seat liners?), so maybe that is Posh's last great mystery. She needed one, too, now that she's deprived us of the many hours we would sit around pondering the question of what Posh's underass cleavage would look like.
Maybe I'm not thinking broadly enough -- maybe this is actually a costume. Maybe, in order to provide more interesting footage for her upcoming reality show, Lady Becks is prepping to star as Roxie Hart in a dinner-theater version of Chicago in which she actually has to serve the food as part of the choreography. If that's true, I hope she at least asked the maitre d' before hacking up his uniform jacket.
Seriously, this is so crazy it almost comes back around to being amazing, just like Posh herself. What would Karl Lagerfeld say? Actually, never mind. We fear he'd say something like, "Pants are for the sensible, darling. BE UNHINGED." In which case, mission somewhat accomplished.
June 04, 2007
MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Victoria Beckham
You know we love us some Posh. We couldn't be happier that she walks among us in Los Angeles, because it significantly increases the odds that we can bump into her at somewhere kind of pretentious, like the Urth Cafe, and convince her to go shopping with us so that we might better understand how her mind works. Because right now, we're in the dark, and we suspect that borrowing Edward Furlong's Terminator 2 haircut and bleaching the hell out of it might have scrambled her brain.
We haven't deluded ourselves into thinking Posh's taste is always upscale. I mean, the woman's blood type is O-Tacky. But a plastic-looking zebra-print dress with a hot pink bra deliberately showing? Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, that is so Latter-Day Britney of you (although we appreciate the omission of fishnet tights that are slowly rotting around your thighs).
Are you trying to call out to Britney? Are you trying to imply that you have much in common, and yet still much to teach? Are you going to take her under your wing and help her grow an equally outdated short coif so that she stops with the cheap weaves? Because honestly, I could get behind that. If Angelina Jolie is still too busy figuring out how to adopt Lindsay Lohan, then I can't think of another celeb whom I'd rather see yank Britney up by her bootstraps and slap some sense -- or at least, some different crazy -- into her. Can you imagine? They'd eat at The Ivy (or, in Posh's case, just sit there and stir a salad), they'd shop, they'd go to David's L.A. Galaxy games wearing giant sunglasses and cut-up tank tops, and they'd write a book together called The Sister I Never Had, forgetting of course that they both have sisters.
But, Vicky, be careful: Please stop short of hooking Brit up with one of Becks' teammates. We don't need her naming her next batch of children things like Beverly Hills and Sunset Boulevard and Hamlet.
May 21, 2007
Fug It to the Left, Shake It to the Right
Chanel, of course, is a classic, and there's something fabulous about the composition of this shot:
I just wish Posh hadn't gone for something SO madly 80s. Cropped aqua jacket...and cropped leggings? Plus her Duran Duran hair? I get it, but it feels so costume-y to me. It's like, I look at her and just smell Poison (the perfume, not the band. You really don't want to smell like Poison The Band, if you can help it. I presume they smell like Aqua Net, cigarettes, hard liquor and bologna). If I were her, I would have swapped out the leggings for a pencil skirt or proper trousers, or something. And then I would have scampered into the other room to fondle Becks's muscles and giggle. And then I would have called Geri Halliwell to scream "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!" into the phone. And then I would have done a series of pirouettes (Victoria is a classically trained dancer, doncha know?) and admired all my expensive handbags. But I would NOT have worn those leggings with that jacket. No, not at all.
March 30, 2007
Fug and Fugs
BECKS: Just keep your head down, babes.
POSH: Look, I really can't figure out why you suddenly have a cracking great rod up your bum, David. It was YOUR idea.
BECKS: It was not.
POSH: It was TOO.
BECKS: I was being SARCASTIC. When a person says, "Oh, I don't give a rat's bollocks what you wear -- wrap a garbage sack around your waist for all I care," they are not ACTUALLY hoping you'll do it. Get it?
POSH: Well how am I supposed to know that? I thought you meant, "You'd look gorgeous in a trash bag, honey."
BECKS: Certainly not. I'm not your mum.
POSH: Don't be a prat.
BECKS: Look, I was getting sick of waiting. It took you two hours to pick your shoes. Who spends two hours picking out shoes to go with pants that don't even SHOW them, Vic?
POSH: Oh, well, fine, if you don't CARE about the details. Although coming from someone who couldn't be arsed to tuck in his shirt before throwing on grandpa's cardigan...
BECKS: Pipe down, Simon Le Bon. I'm not ALLOWED to have closet time while you're still deciding, remember?
POSH: And I expect you're going to blame that hat on me, too, now.
BECKS: It's the only thing I could find that might help me hide.
POSH: Our reality show is going to be bloody brilliant.