March 15, 2007
Fugs & Becks
"I don't know what that bloody smirk on David's face is for. I'm going to rip off his bollocks and he knows it. I can't believe he told me my hair looks like I'm wearing a bloody old man's combover. It's TRENDY, you slag-shagging bastard! I don't CARE if the last person with hair like this was a member of Duran Duran. America is going to go PIG WILD for me and THEN who'll be smirking at the person down the row? And THEN who'll have people lining up to have a fling with me, eh, David? THEN who'll be so jealous he's having rage blackouts? ... Oh, don't be cross, David, I'm just taking the piss. I love you and I miss the mad passionate love we make when we're together, because we're in mad and passionate love. In fact, maybe that's what I'll call my show. Me & My Golden Balls: Mad, Passionate Love. Right, David? Right? We're okay, right? ... Dammit. Fine. I'll book myself in for some extentions tomorrow. Want to have another baby? Think about it, okay? Because we're in love. Love!"
January 26, 2007
GIORGIO ARMANI: Boo! It's me! HELLO!
POSH: God, I'm fabulous.
KAT(I)E: Hi Karl! Hi! It's me! Mrs. Cruise!
GIORGIO: KARL? I am not Karl Lagerfeld, runt. What kind of IDIOT would think I am Karl Lagerfeld?
KAT(I)E: Oh, wow. I'm sorry. It's just that you're both so... tan. Ha ha ha... ha.
GIORGIO: Quiet, Scientology Spice. Can you not see that I'm trying to start a conga line with the Queen of America?
POSH: That's f'ing right, darling. Thanks to the football deal for David, we're even MORE filthy, stinking rich.
KAT(I)E: That's great, ha ha! I'm so happy to be here! Kar... er, Giorgio, I just wanted to know...
GIORGIO: BUY A COUNTRY, you delicious pleated diva!
POSH: Too right I will.
GIORGIO: Take the Maldives. No one knows who owns those anyway! Make it Isla Victoria!
KAT(I)E: I think the Maldives...
GIORGIO: LIKE I SAID. Nobody knows.
POSH: I wonder if America will let me have Hawaii. It's closer. I'll pay cash.
GIORGIO: I will make you leis. FABULOUS leis of GLORY. With FEATHERS, just like mama used to make.
POSH: Damn, babes, you're WAY more fun than Karl Lagerfeld. All he does is scowl and glove-slap people. F'ing awkward sometimes if you ask me.
KAT(I)E: Sir, Mr. Armani, if I could just ask you about this dress...
GIORGIO: Or you could buy A SITCOM. We could be in one of those lively half-hour comedy shows! Where we live together and work in a pizza parlor that is also a tanning salon, and have strange neighbors with children who won't stop talking! IT WILL BE HUGE.
KAT(I)E: Yes! And I could play the...
GIORGIO: No, no, I want that Michelle Williams girl -- she's DYNAMITE.
POSH: Tanning and pizza, eh, Giorgio? We could call it Mystic Pizza.
GIORGIO: I've never heard of ANYTHING so divine, my queen. IT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD. Now, CONGA, you vixen!
KAT(I)E: Mr. Armani, if you'd just look at me for a second, I don't think these weird pleats...
GIORGIO: Child, no shop talk -- not when I'm about to break into the macarena. You know the rules.
POSH: Look at that. Giorgio Armani, following ME around. Wanting to ride MY coattails. My life is f'ing amazing.
KAT(I)E: My life is awful. He won't even look at me.
GIORGIO: Actress girl! We need an inanimate object to be the limbo rod. Can they use you?
KAT(I)E: Thank God I had this smile surgically locked in or else I would be SCREAMING at some people right now and then Tom would make me sit in the audit closet for a week.
KAT(I)E: Oh, whatever.
December 01, 2006
POSH: Er, Karl... Karl, don't tell anyone, but... I'm having second thoughts.
KARL LAGERFELD: Thoughts are for the DULL, darling. BE AMAZING.
POSH: Fine, babes, but my problem is just that I don't think I should have worn this after all. I think I look a bit stupid, actually.
KARL: RIDICULOUS! You are a DIVINE dish served cold. I would eat you with caviar if I could and then polish my glove with the CRUMBS of your GLAMOUR.
POSH: See, David said this looks like a bad rug that the royal family rolled up and stuck in a closet in Windsor Castle. But my sister disagreed -- she thought this belonged in Camilla Parker-Bowles' nightie drawer.
KARL: David is a PRECOCIOUS flesh nugget INDEED. Dip him in mustard. HE IS A DELIGHT. But kill your sister.
POSH: Look, I just sort of feel like a 19th century prostitute, Karl. And I'm not sure it's the look I should be going for now.
KARL: It's like I told that delightful Lindsay Lohan -- "To look like a freak is to be ALIVE WITH FASHION, and also, WASH YOUR FACE IN CHAMPAGNE."
POSH: You're mad as pants, aren't you? You're more bonkers than a shed in a limousine.
KARL: I've grown tired of your complaining. You're just AFRAID TO BE FABULOUS. Now leave me unless your breasts make martinis.
November 20, 2006
Fugbute: The Many Flavors of Posh
Sure, the focus of this past weekend's Italian production of I Know Mothers Cry At Weddings, But Should Mrs. Holmes Be Wailing? was probably supposed to be Kat(i)e's dress. But you don't invite Victoria Beckham, the glorious spice blend known as Posh, and expect her to be wallpaper. No, much like what we think went through Brooke Shields' head when she accepted her invitation to the TomKat Contract Fulfillment Ceremony, you include Posh at your formal occasion because you say to yourself, "THIS I've got to see." And also possibly because she befriended your comatose bride during several shopping sprees and some Paris fashion shows, but mostly, it's because you want to look at how hot her stilletos are while also wondering what new glories she'll pull from that den of wonder known as Her Wardrobe.
Mercifully for us all, Posh did not disappoint, stringing together a buffet of delights more filling for the fug fan than any solid that's passed her lips in three months.
You have to admire her versatility. In the span of one weekend, she showed up as:
1. A crabby school teacher: This strumpet of academia's affection for lip gloss is matched only by her companion's addiction to raiding his grandfather's closet. Bonus: The sweater at least comes with its own lifetime supply of Werther's Originals, so he can toss them into her mouth at her appointed snack times, since she wouldn't dare eat any of the apples left by her trembling students (too much chewing).
2. A yeti. Fear not, PETA, for the jacket is not yielded from animal cruelty -- it's in fact woven from the silkiest, most bountiful man-fur in the Western world: shavings from Alec Baldwin's chest.
3. A cranky pseudo-royal surprised and a little peeved to learn that she is not, in fact, attending a state funeral. Just the death of a family's hope.
4. An insane arts-and-crafts fetishist. This one is fantastic. Now, granted, she didn't wear this to the wedding itself; just to some of the paparazzi-baiting festivities beforehand, whatever those were (the official blessing of the pre-nup, perhaps, or free Scientology classes). But there's something so magical about the fact that she ever even put this on at all. She does know the difference between decolletage and decoupage, right? Not to mention that the dress underneath the I-Had-To-Use-All-My-Paste-Or-Else-Ralph-Wiggum-Would-Eat-It sjirt-jacket appears to be sized more appropriately for the closet of Isabella Kidman-Cruise. From several years ago. When she had a ballet recital.
But maybe Posh can use that to her advantage -- perhaps she could use it to push for a starring role in, say, Center Stage II, in which she would arrive at the stodgy American Ballet Academy as a new teacher and try to shake up the stale air by taking her five pluckiest students on the road as a roving band of dancers -- each with their own personalities, outlandish costumes, and hilarious nicknames -- who bring ballet to truck stops, dive bars, and casinos across the country. Peter Gallagher would of course return as the Academy head: "How do you expect to have 1,000 truckers watch you tell us what you want, what you really, really want, if you Don't. Do it. Without UNDERWEAR?!?" And David could get in on the action as the supportive, shockingly virile costumer who teaches her to use a hot glue gun and so much more.
In all seriousness, though, we can't fathom why Posh hasn't rocketed to larger stardom post-Spice. I mean, if we can allow Jessica Simpson to roam the earth with copious paychecks -- seriously, if I have to see her ONE MORE TIME in that DirecTV ad where her head spends 30 seconds wobbling like a Weeble as she tries to Daisy Duke her way through two insipid lines, I will furiously theaten to cancel my subscription, and then secretly never actually do it because I can't live without the NFL Sunday Ticket -- and if we can anoint Fergie as the comically misspelled Dutchess of the Billboard charts, and if the staff of Studio 60 is actually still getting paid to make that terrible, awful, no-good, very bad program that is snuffing out even Matthew Perry's light, can we not move over and make a little room for Posh? Who cares if she can actually do anything? Outings like this are enough.
October 06, 2006
POSH: So, er, Kat(i)e... is that what you're wearing to the Chanel show?
KAT(I)E: Yes. Tom picked it out. It's amazing. He said it made me look extraordinary.
POSH: That's lovely and all but don't you think it's a bit... much?
KAT(I)E: Tom told me that now that I'm an extraordinary childbearing woman, I should dress like one.
POSH: Well, you look like an extraordinary childbearing curtain in Chaka Khan's brothel, sweets, I'm just being honest here.
KAT(I)E: Is it not amazing? Really?
POSH: It's not that bad. It just doesn't work for this occasion, babes. I mean, look at me -- aren't we going around together so that you can study me? You want to look chic and sleek, not bleak.
KAT(I)E: You're so smart. This is so exciting.
POSH: I was in the Spice Girls. We did a lot of rhyming.
KAT(I)E: I am a thrilling woman.
POSH: Look, I'm going to level with you, Kat(i)e. It's great that you're trying to prop up your boobs, really-- I have made a career out of that -- but the bloody gown looks like it's weighing you down, it's way too much for a daytime event, and Kat(i)e, love, you're not to wear closed-toed shoes with something that aggressive, okay? You might as well be wearing loafers, babes. Frumpalicious.
KAT(I)E: This is so amazing. I can't wait to be a mother. Tom and I are really thrilled.
KAT(I)E: I am enjoying my courses in Extraordinary and I can't wait to be a Tom Scientology baby.
POSH: Bloody hell, this girl's malfunctioning. I can't work with this, people. Hello? Can any of her minders fix her?
KAT(I)E: The wedding is in two Suris but she's doing thrilled! I am excited to be Scientolmazing! Leah Remini amazatology!
POSH: Oh, bollocks to THIS. I need a drink.
August 22, 2006
Two Become Fug
Okay. True confessions time: I love Posh. When I read her fantastic autobiography, Learning to Fly, I found myself, against all odds, deeply enchanted by her. There is something about her that is so deliciously over the top and tacky -- yet the book is also very self-deprecating and charming. When I finished it -- it was like 1,500 pages and yet it only covers her life up until she had Brooklyn -- I realized that I want these two to make it work, against all odds. I know that's probably a pipe dream, but I can't help it. I secretly lurve them!
What I don't lurve, tragically, is her outfit here:
And do you know why?
BECAUSE THESE ARE POSH AND BECKS IMPERSONATORS. Thank God. Prior to confirming this, Heather and I had a frenzied conversation in which we decided if it actually was Posh, she must really be pregnant again -- and god, I hope she is, and god, I hope it's a girl. Can you imagine what they would name a girl? I vote for Versace. Versace Victoria Beckham -- but that if the man involved actually was Becks, then something had gone TRAGICALLY AWRY with his face. I may have used the sentence, "Why would he DO SOMETHING to his BEAUTIFUL FACE?!" Which might have been followed by some gnashing of teeth.
But, thank God, David Beckham has not had a tragic run in with a nefarious plastic surgeon, and Posh has not ACTUALLY left the house in an off-the-shoulder tunic with a tiger drawn on it. I mean, she dresses crazy sometimes, but there is no way she's actually go somewhere dressed in something I owned in 6th grade.
I wish I were a fly on the wall in the Beckham household right now, though, just to hear her scream about this. Heads, I suspect, may roll. No one sends out her impersonator dressed like a model from the Lillian Vernon catalog! No one!*
*Okay, fine. Our sources tell me that Posh actually HAS worn some kind of terrible tiger outfit out and about. So, to sum up: these people are impersonators, but the shirt may in fact by an accurate representation of an actual shirt that the actual Posh has actually worn OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED?
January 16, 2006
Fug Up Your Life
Oh, Posh Spice. There are so many things I love about you! I love that you said you'd never read a book, even though you ostensibly wrote one. I love how you were arguably the worst singer in the Spice Girls, which was just packed full of girls who couldn't sing. I love your marriage to that adorable high-talker, David Beckham, and I wish the two of you would do a reality show, even though if you did, I don't know if I could bear to watch it due to the aforementioned high-talking.
But do I love you enough to overlook the fact that you're going out with Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell wearing em-effing chaps?
I don't know. I think I kind of do. There are few people in the world who can get away with wearing actual chaps -- cowboys being primary among them -- but just look at you. You're fierce, even in full-on, ridiculous, leather chaps. CHAPS. I don't know who you're looking at, but I'm pretty sure the evening is going to end with you having washed down his brains with a nice glass of champers. So, chaps on, Posh. Chaps on. I'm too scared to say anything about them.
April 21, 2005
Here’s the thing: I love Posh and Becks. She’s so deliciously tacky and he’s so…you know, extremely hot in that No, No, Don’t Speak sort of way.
Said dichotomy is well illustrated below:
[Reader submitted photo]
He looks luscious. She looks like her stage name is Luscious.
That being said, I hear her autobiography is really rather brilliant.*
* No. I've actually seriously heard that.