August 16, 2004
The 2004 Teen Fug Awards
In scanning a handful of photos from the Teen Choice Awards, I have found some compelling examples of people rampantly abusing their decision-making powers. Would a mirror have helped? Perhaps, but maybe it was just a shocking error in taste.
Exhibit A: Rachel Bilson.
Now, Rachel Bilson is adorable. If she'd just stuck with the dress and ditched the Half-Pint hairdo, she might've had a chance. Sure, it's a little rustic, but in a potentially very fetching way. But when she walked outside and thought to herself, "It might get a little chilly tonight -- I need something to cover my shoulders," she marked her doom by selecting not a classy wrap, or a cute coat, but in fact a castaway from the defunct Little House On The Prairie costume department.
I can't explain the choice of hairdo. Perhaps when she fugs it up, she refuses to half-ass it.
Exhibit B: Jojo
This kid is, like, thirteen, or something, which is a little bit ooky for me actually -- I feel like pop music, much like the professional tennis tour, shouldn't let anyone below a certain age participate. But, fine: Jojo has a hit song out while she's waiting for puberty, and so she gets to go to awards ceremonies.
However, Jojo committed the cardinal sin of changing outfits during the show without making sure it was an upgrade. On the red carpet, she chose this fetching peach top:
Very pretty -- she looks classy, if a bit like she's trying to outgrow her age. Still, she acquitted herself well here.
Yet by the time she hit the press room, Jojo had gone completely insane and dressed herself up like a flavor of Hubba Bubba gum:
The top seriously does look like the packaging on some insanely sweet 1980s-era sugar candy, like Nerds or some kind of watermelon-flavored chews. And maybe it's not even that horrible, or I'm just giving her some credit because she's thirteen. I'm not thrilled about the ruffle...It makes her hips look Duff shaped. If you want a ruffle on your clothes, you have to think about the ruffle. You have to map our your ruffle as it relates to your physique, and make sure the ruffle doesn't betray you. You need a ruffle strategy. Jojo, I believe, didn't have one. But you know what? I'll even give her that.
What makes this a true fug: The shoes. Nothing excuses those sneakers. NOTHING. Even Missy Elliott: Queen of High-Tops is at home going, "Oh, honey, NO."
Exhibit C: Ashlee Simpson.
Ms. Fuglee has bought into the idea that knickers are all the rage this season:
Ahoy, matey! She looks like a pirate's first-mate on a Carnival Cruise Lines marauding vessel. Knickers are just bad. Bad, bad, bad. Leave them to golfers and jockeys, please.
In sum: watch the layers, don't trust the ruffles, and burn the knickers.