February 18, 2008
The Other Boleyn Fug
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Thanks for taking the fall this time, Natalie. It's nice of you to step up to the plate and get all crazy looking, right after I made that big fuss about how imperfect you make me feel.
NATALIE PORTMAN: Huh? I mean, excuse me?
SCARLETT: You know, you totally took the pressure off me by showing up to this event wearing a complex array of curtains. It's nice of you.
SCARLETT: I'm saying, I hate what you're wearing, and THANK YOU for that. God. You went to that fancy college, you'd think you'd have better aural comprehension.
NATALIE: I understood you, I was just perplexed and distracted by your unusually ratty hair. For your information, this dress is extremely significant.
SCARLETT: So was Bjork's swan outfit.
NATALIE: Well. I never! I had no idea that you were pure evil.
SCARLETT: I am NOT evil. I am GRATEFUL that you are taking the pressure off me! Why has this conversation gone so terribly wrong? No one understands me!
NATALIE: My significant dress and I are going to go over there and stand next to Eric Bana now. I'll talk to you when you feel ready to apologize.
SCARLETT: BUT...oh, never mind.
February 15, 2008
The Fug Boleyn Girl
NATALIE PORTMAN: I'm fabulous.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: I'm stumpy.
NATALIE: Oh, ScarJo. No, you're not! Don't be so hard on yourself. Have a vegan cookie!
SCARLETT: I mean it, Natalie. I look like 1993's national president of the Blind Melon fan club posing with you. What possessed me to wear these flats with this?
NATALIE: Why, I'm sure you have a good reason. Have your arches fallen recently?
NATALIE: Have you hideous bunions?
NATALIE: Are you perhaps just trying to be sensible?
SCARLETT: At a photoshoot?!?
NATALIE: I don't know! I thought it was an homage to the costumes on the pages in our movie, The Other Boleyn Girl, premiering soon at theatre near you!
SCARLETT: NO. God. Do you ever do ANYTHING wrong?
NATALIE: I accidentally killed a lady bug on Tuesday.
SCARLETT: I'm gonna kill SOMETHING.
May 08, 2007
Met Costume Institute Ball Fug: Scarlett Johansson
So, let me see if I've got this straight. In addition to styling herself kinda like the beige version of something you'd see on top of a child's music box, ScarJo also decided to do up the Met ball in essentially the exact same dress Kiki Dunst was just wearing around town for kicks a couple of weeks ago:
As I have been given to understand the intricate ins and outs of the tapestry of celebrity -- a vast tapestry, yes, like those of yore, just with more exposed ladyparts -- wearing something to a major event that someone else has already been photographed in is kind of like wearing your school uniform to your own wedding: both shocking, and weird. She does seem awfully pleased with herself, though, so maybe ScarJo just doesn't care about the admittedly rather stringent rules of celebrity red carpet dominance, though she maybe should consider that the 2/3s of the face of the man in tennis shoes behind her looks APPALLED, and HE'S wearing SNEAKERS.
Or maybe this is just the first volley in a way we'll later dub ScarJo Comes After Kiki's Sloppy Seconds, and the next move will involve Jake Gyllenhaal. And then it will be ON.
November 06, 2006
Exhibit Z that Scarlett Johansson and her stylist don't always know what to do with her:
I would comment on how costumey her makeup is, or on how much I hate the blousy silhouette the torso section of this dress creates, were I able to focus in a serious way on any of those things. However, as usual, I'm stuck trying to figure out how Team Scarlett managed to find a dress again that gives her celebrated rack such an odd mushy mashed shape. To be clear: I am pro-cleavage, and hers is very lovely, but doesn't the cut of the dress make the ladies look, unbelievably, both droopy and perky?
It's like they've been poorly mummified. They're being strapped down against her chest, yet also hoisted up near her neck, all the while both breasts are making hostile advances across the border of Armpit City. Is that even physically possible? What madness is this?
September 25, 2006
The Fug Dahlia
Oh, Miss Scarlett, you sadden me.
The man standing behind you is clearly thinking, "I know, bro. I can't believe this chick would cover up that ass with a jumpsuit! Criminal!" And he -- although crude -- is not entirely wrong. Because you look like a terribly chic prisioner, like this is a prison-issued jumpsuit that you have sassed up in the name of keeping up your spirits and maintaining your personal style while you await trial. But while I am sure your spirits are high and your body is comfortable, you can not be considered innocent while your pant legs appear to be PEGGED.
August 31, 2006
Well Played: Scarlett Johansson
Yesterday, we expressed displeasure for Scarlett Johansson's choice of activewear at the Venice Film Festival. So we were delighted to see that when she changed for the premiere of her film The Black Dahlia, she went with something we were far less likely to be found between the covers of Land's End.
She's switched to a red lip, but it's a rich, dark one, rather than a bright, knock-you-backwards red that rarely works unless if a bunch of really hot firemen are adjacent to it.
And the dress is actually really interesting -- it's not something that would ever have attracted me personally, yet I think Scarlett looks smashing in it. The cut and the fit combine to create a very sleek and tall figure indeed; the cinched waist gives the illusion that her legs go on for days. And with her new hair and her healthy (and natural-looking, miracle of miracles) skin color and tone don't allow themselves to be washed out or overshadowed by the pale fabric hue. If, say, Nicole Kidman wore this, she'd disappear and/or risk looking sickly, but on ScarJo the gown isn't wearing her -- she is wearing the hell out of the gown.
In all, it's very old-movie chic, a welcome dash of Deborah Kerr in this day and age.
Now I need to go wash the good cheer off my hands.
August 30, 2006
The Black Fuglia
Scarlett Johansson can be so, so lovely.
Look at that! A hair color that's gently honeyed rather than a severe bleached blond, and sexy, soft makeup that's finally taken her away from the kind of red lipstick that naughty night vixens use to scrawl threatening messages on the mirrors of their more stingy customers.
Unfortunately, once we pull out of the closeup, things get a trifle more problematic.
The zig-zag shirt looks like the kind of cross-stitch canvas an eight-year old picks up to learn the basics, and those shorts -- those billowing, poofy shorts! -- are so wide that they're practically direct descendents of The Insidious Culotte, and first cousins to that pernicious little villain The Skort.
It's so bizarre to see ScarJo fall victim to the Newport News catalogue's vicious style propaganda. I would expect this kind of behavior from a Peldon. Or even from a Tisdale, who lives to look like a twelve-year old circa 1986; seriously, I am almost positive I owned ScarJo's shorts back when we were all too blinded by John Hughes and My Two Dads to know any better. But now we should know better. And we should certainly know better when we are in Venice, Italy, for a major film festival at which it's probably better not to look like you just came from back-to-school shopping at Wal-Mart, your brand new Playtex Cross-Your-Heart bra peeking through the pastel horror.
May 16, 2006
The Fugly Diaries
The rest of Scarlett Johansson's outfit from this photo doesn't matter; it's a gray suit, worn while shooting The Nanny Diaries, and it's fine. But what vexes me is what the costumer has done to her feet:
This is The Nanny Diaries, not The Nana Diaries, right? I get that a childcare professional who runs around after the young 'uns might want wear comfortable footwear rather than cute footwear, and that sometimes to walk without agony from A to far-off B in New York City people change into shoes that will pound the sidewalk with greater shock absorption. I do understand. So aside from its outright fuglyness, it confuses me that nothing about that hideous Smileville Friendship Convalescent Center sock-and-shoe combo even looks particularly comfortable. Not to be all actory about it, but what exactly is her motivation?
However, my bigger concern is that this will somehow sneak its way into real life. So tread carefully, dreaded costumer. If you in any way push fashion in this direction, I am going to shake my fist and put a pox on you henceforth. DO YOU HEAR ME? A POX!
December 09, 2005
It baffles me still that so many people in this town do not understand what to do with their breasts.
A chest of any size is a lovely thing to have. But it can't just do all the work by itself, unless you are blessed with anti-gravity mammary glands; no, generally speaking, breasts need to be propped up a little in order to be displayed to their best advantage. They should probably not, a la Dunst/Gyllenhaal, be allowed to drip so freely and flatly that, when you can't find your ironing board, you simply instruct one of them to lie on her back so you can use her torso for that purpose. Breasts deserve better; they deserve a little bounce.
But, the deployment of breast support can be taken to an extreme, as displayed in the following painful photograph of Scarlett Johanssen:
Those are pinched, propped, and pushed to within an inch of their lives (and, it seems, within an inch of her chin). That is not sexy, provocative cleavage; that is what happens when a stray ostrich wanders over and gives birth to twins in your bodice. Now, it's possible she only did this so she could carry around some appetizers and a drink without having to fill up her hands with cumbersome receptacles, but even being your own end table isn't worth trotting around all night looking like the victim of some unfortunate breasticular mutation. In this photo, she is Anna Nicole Smith's younger sister.
I fear Scarlett is lashing out at herself. In September, she abused herself by wearing Mom Jeans supplied to her by Imitation of Christ's imitation of design talent, Tara Subkoff; she was also once caught in a Sienna Miller-esque leggings fiasco that can only have been interpreted as a cry for help. And now this? Scarlett, why do you hate yourself? You have nice skin. Pretty coloring. And some people seem to want to watch you act. So why are you lashing out at your figure? Are you passive-aggressively blaming them for The Island being a terrible movie? Did your boyfriend decide he only likes women who can blow lines off their own hoisted cleavage? Are you embarrassed by your strange choice of shoe and thus trying to block your downward view of them?
Help us understand so that we can stage the right intervention.
September 28, 2005
Fuglett Johansson: Updated 9/29
I can't imagine what Scarlett Johansson's groin did to merit being punished in this manner:
I'm not sure who decided the Mom Jeans rise needed to come back in, but let's put it this way: If it takes you as long to run the bases as it does an ACTUAL baseball player, something's awry.
Also, would somebody please loan her $20? She needs some cotton tanks that aren't Olsen-thin.
We have since learned that what ScarJo's groin did was quite simple: It allowed itself to take part in a fashion show by Imitation of Christ, the label created by the fearsome Tara Subkoff -- and for which our very favorite icon of fug, Chloe Sevigny, designs/has designed. So suddenly, the imprisoning 20-mile zipper isn't surprising, nor is the general aura of awfulness around the entire look. ScarJo, we understand they may have shoved and shoehorned you into that outfit, but... free yourself from their neon claws. You owe it to yourself. And to your pelvis.