May 05, 2008
Fug or Fab: Sharon Stone
You make the call regarding perennial Fug Fave, crazy, gorgeous (and sometimes crazy gorgeous) Sharon Stone, who may or may not have had yet another run-in with the vicious, clothes-hating animal so prone to shredding her clothes that we accidentally ended up dubbing the woman Rapid Beaver. For so many reasons. Some of which are very, very juvenile. But some of which stem from the fact that she often looks like she's fresh from a tangle with a toothy rodent so evil it prompts me to make terrible typos:
And yet, I kind of love it. Is that wrong? Tell me what to think:
April 07, 2008
Five Fugs a Day
"And so I said to HIM, 'Yeah, so my hair IS an homage to Luke Perry's sensitive work in that thing about those kids. My LEGS are FANTASTIC.'"
April 04, 2008
Well Played: Rapid Beaver
"DELIGHT IN MY GLORY, YOU FOOLS! Was I eliminated in the first round of Fug Madness, HUMILIATINGLY, by some plastic cast-off of McFly's, like Leggings Lohan? NAY! Have countless individuals admitted on the internet that they can't get enough of my furry delights? YES! Do I have to wake up in the morning and worry about whether or not I have been batshit crazy enough to topple that wackadoo, Bai Ling? NO! Can I just eat my Komodo dragon omelet in peace as usual? OUI! LIFE IS GOOD, DARLINGS! I'm just going to put on this lovely suit that's probably lined with baby seal and DANCE!"
February 25, 2008
Oscars Post-Party Fug: Sharon Stone
"HELLO FRIENDS. I am SHARON STONE. And I am FABULOUS. BEHOLD my white suit, a tribute -- nay, a glorious homage -- to my peep John Travolta. Admit it. I look kind of rad in this. You know I do. For I can do anything: I had a brain thingie that exploded in my head...and LIVED. I had a husband who got bit by a dragon...AND THEN I LEFT HIM. I was the FIRST actress to show people my vagina -- THE FIRST! Well, sort of. Okay, that's a total lie. But for the purposes of my current argument: THE FIRST! I AM LEGEND. And yes, I look like a tapping-dancing maitre d' in this. I KNOW THAT. But I'm an AWESOME tap-dancing maitre d'. AND YOU LOVE IT. You'd look like a refugee from a college production of one of those Busby Berkeley musicals where people twirl around in concentric circles holding giant coins. But I look GLORIOUS. BEHOLD ME!
PS: I AM WEARING A RABBIT'S FOOT, IT'S TRUE. Watch out, I'll use as a swizzle stick in your cocktail if you displease me, HUMAN"
January 25, 2008
The Year of Getting to Know Fug
You'd think the worst thing about Sharon Stone's new look was her "I did this by myself with my nail clippers at four in the morning after six Harvey Wallbangers and a cup of gravy!" haircut, wouldn't you?
But that's only because you haven't seen the rest of it:
Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. You're supposed to be ADVISING Lindsay Lohan, not taking fashion tips from her.
January 02, 2008
I have just accepted the fact that crazy-ass Sharon Stone rocks my world. I wish she went out every night, because I feel like that would lead to an ever-increasing stockpile of photos such as this one:
Why is she wearing a beret and the tail of a now surely peevish beaver, toasting Intern George with a golden cup at the opening of the world's largest Nespresso store? (Which is located in Paris, if you're hankering for some Nespresso, which you will be after you hear the super-porny music on their home page. Apparently, that vaguely General Foods International Coffee-like item just wants to lay you down by the fire and make sweet, sweet caffeinated love to you. Which I guess explains the rakish presence of Cloons. And I guess the "Paris" part explains the beret. Perhaps she also has a baguette hidden in the tail of that there scarf.)
And why is she out wearing this?
(Count yourself lucky, by the way, that I didn't inflict the more aggressively nipplicious shots of this particular outfit on you. This one seemed, er, erect enough to do the trick. [That's what she said! ZING!])
So many questions:
A) What did the mighty cow ever do to her? I wear leather too, but Sharon REALLY wears leather. Like the way a professional bull-riding champion wears leather, or, like, the head bartender at a leather bar. In fact, these leather pants appear to come with a wee leather apron, so perhaps she IS off to her night shift at the Fault Line, where she's best known for pouring hella-big tequila shots. Which I actually seriously hope is true, because "Sharon Stone Quits Acting for Alcohol" would be an awesome headline.
B) Could this possibly be some kind of misguided Angelina Jolie disguise? Is she perhaps hoping to catch Brad Pitt wandering around Malibu in a dazed and pre-caffeinated state, without his contacts, at which point she plans to bash him over the head with an ossified Duraflame log and drag him back to her place and have her way with him until he comes to his senses?
C) Why is her companion wearing his sunglasses (at night!) as a necklace? To think the day would come that I'd find myself missing Dawson Leery's giant puka-shell style chokers.
November 09, 2007
In case PETA isn't already plotting Sharon's death as payback for the World's Most Awkward Fur Wrap (also known as The Second Time Sharon's Shown Us That Much Beaver. ZING!), this ought to put the vegan seal on her death warrant:
That's...a lot of different animals on there. We've got whatever poor funereal emu sacrificed his feathers for her trim; whatever sad, strange animal that contributed to that collar/elbow-warmer concoction that reminds me, weirdly, of what toast would look like if it were made of fur; and, of course, the leather pants. No matter where you stand on the old Fur Versus Faux issue, this outfit is seriously just begging for a crazed gang of denuded woodland creatures to come barreling out of the woods after her, demanding their clothes back. They have a point -- she does seem to be wearing more than her fair share.
October 29, 2007
The Year of Getting to Know Fug
Oh, Sharon Stone. You're so crazy/fabulous. I hardly ever seen you anymore, unless you're out being the amfAR spokeswoman and official auctioneer, which is, admittedly, an excellent reason for you to leave the house. And, if I may be frank, I miss you and your glamorous/wacky shenanigans. I sort of wish you were my neighbor, honestly. I feel like you probably secretly cook, and therefore would bring over cookies sometimes, and then we'd stand out by the pool and gossip about how the guy across the street is always wearing short shorts and wonder how his wife puts up with it, and then I'd tell you all my dating woes, and you'd snort that YOU married a guy who got bit by a dragon at the zoo and everyone's always making cracks about having seen you panty-less before it was popular, so I should just shut up and enjoy myself, and then you'd realize you were missing Dr. Phil and we'd both go back inside. If I were Debby Boone, I'd say that you light up my life. If I were Bette Midler, I'd note that you are the wind behind my wings. If I were Dolly Parton and/or Whitney Houston, I would croon that I will always love you, Sharon. But because I am me, I have to first do that and then note that -- whether your wrap here is faux or vrai -- NO ONE needs a fur wrap the size of a king-size duvet, not even you:
You look...well, crazy/fabulous, of course, but mostly crazy because -- leaving aside the question of how many bears or whatever had to die for that thing and/or how many faux fur makers worked their fingers to the bone stitching it -- that thing is so big, you basically just look like you're lugging your bedspread down to the cleaners after a particularly rough night of extremely formal party hopping.
Not to mention the fact that a wrap larger than some studio apartments, by definition, obscures the rest of your dress, which is actually very chic:
Hee. Sorry, I just really wanted to find a way to use this picture. Although, in all fairness, that dress DOES look fabulous and glamourous. So why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?
September 18, 2007
Introducing Sharon Stone's new line of clothing, called SHARON STONE'S CRIMES:
[Photo: Splash News]
This, the first piece from the hotly-anticipated line, is called HOMICIDAL SHEATH. Keep an eye open for other pieces, including ARMED ROBBERY TROUSERS, ASSAULT AND BATTERY A-LINE SKIRT, and MURDEROUS CARDIGAN.
May 24, 2007
Well Played: Sharon Stone
Oh, nutty Sharon Stone. I secretly love you. Let's be honest: how can I not embrace a woman who bounced back from an aneurysm the same year that her then husband was bitten by a dragon? Who is always sort of charming and delightful on chat shows? Who works tireless for amfAR, even roping Intern George into auctioning off a kiss for the charity? (That's right: we're microwaving our own Lean Pockets and opening our own boxes of wine this week.) Who seems like she's the kind of woman who would chat your ear off in the line for the ladies room, and even if what she says is TOTALLY CRAZY, at least she would be entertaining, so when you got back to your table, you could be all, "you will not BELIEVE the conversation I just had" to your friends? And while S. Sto sometimes shows up places looking completely kooks, when she sets the phasers to "FABULOUSNESS" she can really pull it off:
So glamourous! And shiny! If I owned this, I would wear it everywhere: the gynecologist, the dermatologist, the podiatrist, the market.
Truly, Sharon has it all. Including, it seems, a very tiny Kylie Minogue of her very own:
"Come with me, little lady," she seems to be saying. "Ssh, ssh, my wee pixie. There's an extra drawer in the armoire in my spare room that you can sleep in. I will keep you from the dragons! That's right! Come with Mama."
That being said, just as Sharon's demonstrating good taste in frocks on this occasion, so is she selecting the cream of the crop of kidnap victims, because, seriously, how cute is Kylie Minogue?
I wish she'd give a Learning Annex class on The Art and Science of Getting Dressed When You're Really Short. Lesson One would be, apparently, "Damn, these are some high heels, and I am awesome for not doing a face plant in them." I would register TODAY.