Fug or Fab: Sharon Stone

You make the call regarding perennial Fug Fave, crazy, gorgeous (and sometimes crazy gorgeous) Sharon Stone, who may or may not have had yet another run-in with the vicious, clothes-hating animal so prone to shredding her clothes that we accidentally ended up dubbing the woman Rapid Beaver. For so many reasons. Some of which are very, very juvenile. But some of which stem from the fact that she often looks like she's fresh from a tangle with a toothy rodent so evil it prompts me to make terrible typos:

And yet, I kind of love it. Is that wrong? Tell me what to think:

polls by twiigs.com...

Five Fugs a Day

"And so I said to HIM, 'Yeah, so my hair IS an homage to Luke Perry's sensitive work in that thing about those kids. My LEGS are FANTASTIC.'"

Well Played: Rapid Beaver

"DELIGHT IN MY GLORY, YOU FOOLS! Was I eliminated in the first round of Fug Madness, HUMILIATINGLY, by some plastic cast-off of McFly's, like Leggings Lohan? NAY! Have countless individuals admitted on the internet that they can't get enough of my furry delights? YES! Do I have to wake up in the morning and worry about whether or not I have been batshit crazy enough to topple that wackadoo, Bai Ling? NO! Can I just eat my Komodo  dragon omelet in peace as usual? OUI! LIFE IS GOOD, DARLINGS! I'm just going to put on this lovely suit that's probably lined with baby seal and DANCE!" 

Oscars Post-Party Fug: Sharon Stone

"HELLO FRIENDS. I am SHARON STONE. And I am FABULOUS. BEHOLD my white suit, a tribute -- nay, a glorious homage -- to my peep John Travolta. Admit it. I look kind of rad in this. You know I do. For I can do anything: I had a brain thingie that exploded in my head...and LIVED. I had a husband who got bit by a dragon...AND THEN I LEFT HIM. I was the FIRST actress to show people my vagina -- THE FIRST! Well, sort of. Okay, that's a total lie. But for the purposes of my current argument: THE FIRST! I AM LEGEND. And yes, I look like a tapping-dancing maitre d' in this. I KNOW THAT. But I'm an AWESOME tap-dancing maitre d'. AND YOU LOVE IT. You'd look like a refugee from a college production of one of those Busby Berkeley musicals where people twirl around in concentric circles holding giant coins. But I look GLORIOUS. BEHOLD ME!

PS: I AM WEARING A RABBIT'S FOOT, IT'S TRUE. Watch out, I'll use as a swizzle stick in your cocktail if you displease me, HUMAN"

The Year of Getting to Know Fug

You'd think the worst thing about Sharon Stone's new look was her "I did this by myself with my nail clippers at four in the morning after six Harvey Wallbangers and a cup of gravy!" haircut, wouldn't you?

But that's only because you haven't seen the rest of it:

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon. You're supposed to be ADVISING Lindsay Lohan, not taking fashion tips from her.

Sharon Fug

I have just accepted the fact that crazy-ass Sharon Stone rocks my world. I wish she went out every night, because I feel like that would lead to an ever-increasing stockpile of photos such as this one:

[Photo: infdaily.com]

Why is she wearing a beret and the tail of a now surely peevish beaver, toasting Intern George with a golden cup at the opening of the world's largest Nespresso store? (Which is located in Paris, if you're hankering for some Nespresso, which you will be after you hear the super-porny music on their home page. Apparently, that vaguely General Foods International Coffee-like item just wants to lay you down by the fire and make sweet, sweet caffeinated love to you. Which I guess explains the rakish presence of Cloons. And I guess the "Paris" part explains the beret. Perhaps she also has a baguette hidden in the tail of that there scarf.) 

And why is she out wearing this?

[Photo: infdaily.com]

(Count yourself lucky, by the way, that I didn't inflict the more aggressively nipplicious shots of this particular outfit on you. This one seemed, er, erect enough to do the trick. [That's what she said! ZING!])

So many questions:

A) What did the mighty cow ever do to her? I wear leather too, but Sharon REALLY wears leather. Like the way a professional bull-riding champion wears leather, or, like, the head bartender at a leather bar. In fact, these leather pants appear to come with a wee leather apron, so perhaps she IS off to her night shift at the Fault Line, where she's best known for pouring hella-big tequila shots. Which I actually seriously hope is true, because "Sharon Stone Quits Acting for Alcohol" would be an awesome headline.

B) Could this possibly be some kind of misguided Angelina Jolie disguise? Is she perhaps hoping to catch Brad Pitt wandering around Malibu in a dazed and pre-caffeinated state, without his contacts, at which point she plans to bash him over the head with an ossified Duraflame log and drag him back to her place and have her way with him until he comes to his senses?

C) Why is her companion wearing his sunglasses (at night!) as a necklace? To think the day would come that I'd find myself missing Dawson Leery's giant puka-shell style chokers.

Basic Infug

In case PETA isn't already plotting Sharon's death as payback for the World's Most Awkward Fur Wrap (also known as The Second Time Sharon's Shown Us That Much Beaver. ZING!), this ought to put the vegan seal on her death warrant:

That's...a lot of different animals on there. We've got whatever poor funereal emu sacrificed his feathers for her trim; whatever sad, strange animal that contributed to that collar/elbow-warmer concoction that reminds me, weirdly, of what toast would look like if it were made of fur; and, of course, the leather pants.  No matter where you stand on the old Fur Versus Faux issue, this outfit is seriously just begging for a crazed gang of denuded woodland creatures to come barreling out of the woods after her, demanding their clothes back. They have a point -- she does seem to be wearing more than her fair share.

The Year of Getting to Know Fug

Oh, Sharon Stone. You're so crazy/fabulous. I hardly ever seen you anymore, unless you're out being the amfAR spokeswoman and official auctioneer, which is, admittedly, an excellent reason for you to leave the house. And, if I may be frank, I miss you and your glamorous/wacky shenanigans. I sort of wish you were my neighbor, honestly. I feel like you probably secretly cook, and therefore would bring over cookies sometimes, and then we'd stand out by the pool and gossip about how the guy across the street is always wearing short shorts and wonder how his wife puts up with it, and then I'd tell you all my dating woes, and you'd snort that YOU married a guy who got bit by a dragon at the zoo and everyone's always making cracks about having seen you panty-less before it was popular, so I should just shut up and enjoy myself, and then you'd realize you were missing Dr. Phil and we'd both go back inside. If I were Debby Boone, I'd say that you light up my life. If I were Bette Midler, I'd note that you are the wind behind my wings. If I were Dolly Parton and/or Whitney Houston, I would croon that I will always love you, Sharon. But because I am me, I have to first do that and then note that  -- whether your wrap here is faux or vrai -- NO ONE needs a fur wrap the size of a king-size duvet, not even you:

You look...well, crazy/fabulous, of course, but mostly crazy because -- leaving aside the question of how many bears or whatever had to die for that thing and/or how many faux fur makers worked their fingers to the bone stitching it -- that thing is so big, you basically just look like you're lugging your bedspread down to the cleaners after a particularly rough night of extremely formal party hopping.

Not to mention the fact that a wrap larger than some studio apartments, by definition, obscures the rest of your dress, which is actually very chic:

Hee. Sorry, I just really wanted to find a way to use this picture. Although, in all fairness, that dress DOES look fabulous and glamourous. So why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?

Basic Fugstinct

Introducing Sharon Stone's new line of clothing, called SHARON STONE'S CRIMES:

[Photo: Splash News]

This, the first piece from the hotly-anticipated line, is called HOMICIDAL SHEATH. Keep an eye open for other pieces, including ARMED ROBBERY TROUSERS, ASSAULT AND BATTERY A-LINE SKIRT, and MURDEROUS CARDIGAN.

Well Played: Sharon Stone

Oh, nutty Sharon Stone. I secretly love you. Let's be honest: how can I not embrace a woman who bounced back from an aneurysm  the same year that her then husband was bitten by a dragon? Who is always sort of charming and delightful on chat shows? Who works tireless for amfAR, even roping Intern George into auctioning off a kiss for the charity? (That's right: we're microwaving our own Lean Pockets and opening our own boxes of wine this week.) Who seems like she's the kind of woman who would chat your ear off in the line for the ladies room, and even if what she says is TOTALLY CRAZY, at least she would be entertaining, so when you got back to your table, you could be all, "you will not BELIEVE the conversation I just had" to your friends? And while S. Sto sometimes shows up places looking completely kooks, when she sets the phasers to "FABULOUSNESS" she can really pull it off:

So glamourous! And shiny! If I owned this, I would wear it everywhere: the gynecologist, the dermatologist, the podiatrist, the market.

Truly, Sharon has it all. Including, it seems, a very tiny Kylie Minogue of her very own:

"Come with me, little lady," she seems to be saying. "Ssh, ssh, my wee pixie. There's an extra drawer in the armoire in my spare room that you can sleep in. I will keep you from the dragons! That's right! Come with Mama."

That being said, just as Sharon's demonstrating good taste in frocks on this occasion, so is she  selecting the cream of the crop of kidnap victims, because, seriously, how cute is Kylie Minogue?

I wish she'd give a Learning Annex class on The Art and Science of Getting Dressed When You're Really Short. Lesson One would be, apparently, "Damn, these are some high heels, and I am awesome for not doing a face plant in them." I would register TODAY.

Fugsic Fugstinct: Fug

"For a woman whose blazer was recently ripped apart by a pack of rabid dogs," Sharon Stone thought, "I look pretty f'ing good."

Fuggy

SHARON: You know something, Dennis?

DEMI: It's not Dennis, it's...

SHARON: MIMI. Right, that's what I said. You know what, Mimi? Working with you and Ernesto was just such a REAL experience...

DEMI: It's not Mimi, and it's not Ernesto, it's...

SHARON: EMILY. I knew it. So, Mimi, this guy, Emily, the one right here... THIS is the guy, you know?

EMILIO: Give it up, Demi. She smells like a frat party. I think she was wearing that tie on her head not too long ago.

DEMI: I just wish she'd brushed her hair. And her teeth.

SHARON: I just couldn't be more proud to be in Bruno, you know? It's about time somebody understood him -- such a wonderful actor, such a tragic early death. People with whatever he had? They are the true heroes.

EMILIO: The movie's called Bobby.

SHARON: That's what I said! Bobby! So tragic, the way he died, and then poof, he was in the shower because it was all a dream that Pam had! Society needs this movie right now. We need to understand so that we can heal.

DEMI: That was a TV show... Were you even invited here?

SHARON: I think that Linus Lohan boy was so good in the part, too. He is dreamy, and I think he has a line on some Percocet. I'm single now -- what do you think? Wouldn't we be just deliciously randy together?

EMILIO: Linus wasn't... I mean, Lindsay... I mean, it's not Dallas. I think you did too many kegstands.

SHARON: That should be your next movie, Emily. Miller. The story of a man who created something legendary, who dared to dream of fermented hops and barley. Something we all just want to dive into and stay there, bathing and swimming in a wet coccoon of wheat, you know? It's important. I'll play the keg. You could put Mimi and her son in it. What's his name? Ashton?

DEMI: Well, yes, actually, but he's not my ... you know what? Forget it. That's close enough. Now I need a beer.

Basic Fugstinct

Why are all these people clapping for Sharon Stone?

a) Because she is Sharon Stone, and for Basic Instinct alone she deserves a standing ovation, let alone surviving a brain aneurysm;

b) Because she is headlining a conference on selling one's soul to Satan, and she's just proclaimed, "AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE BLOOD OF BABES TRICKLING FROM OUR HUNGRY SUCKLING LIPS, and also, the fact that we have no wrinkles";

c) Because she just shouted the aforementioned statement thinking she is at a conference about selling one's soul to Satan, but actually having crashed an Office Depot Employee Loyalty retreat, and everyone is too polite to correct her;

d) Because they're looking at her from behind, and they know something.

The answer is D.

Well, at least, we assume it's D; it might also be A, B, or C, but D is the only one for which we have firm photographic proof.

You know, I'm beginning to think it was also C -- after all, Office Depot does sell a nice range of paper-shredders, which make excellent props for a demonstration of how having animalistic sex on every spare office appliance is greatly enhanced by immortality (i.e., you can get funky on the Fellowes OD1500C without needing to worry about whether it turned itself on while you were doing likewise).

Do you think she does Hallowe'en parties?

Fugger

Once again, Sharon Stone speaks eloquently on a subject close to her heart:

Her dire need for a hot oil treatment.

Oscar Fug Parties: Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone

FADE IN:

SHARON STONE: And lemme tell you ANOTHER THING, Leslie!

LINDSAY LOHAN: Lindsay.

SHARON STONE: That's what I SAID. Lemme tell you ANOTHER THING, LESLIE. What you NEED to DO is land a role where you show the world YOUR COOTER. But you show it in a REAL CLASSY WHITE OUTFIT. REAL classy. So there's like a....DISPARITY betweeen the COOTER and your OUTFIT. WHAT'S WRONG?

LINDSAY LOHAN:  You're...just saying the word "cooter" really loud.

SHARON STONE: SORRY. Okay, SO THEN you spend the next five years dressing REALLY GOOD.  Like, CLASSY and GLAMOUROUS.  People are like, "sure, we all saw her cooter, but MAN, can she WORK A TURTLENECK." HEY, is that the guy with the CHICKEN SATAY?

LINDSAY LOHAN: I...don't know. Um, it's been great talking to --

SHARON STONE: SO THEN people think you're an okay actress and BEAUTIFUL and then SCORCESE puts you in a MOVIE and you get a GOLDEN GLOBE and then YOU MARRY A GUY and take a lot of TIME OFF and then your HUSBAND gets his FOOT EATEN OFF by a DRAGON at the ZOO and then you have a BRAIN SOMETHING and then more stuff happens and THEN you realize NO ONE IS HIRING YOU ANYMORE and so THEN you decide to -- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

LINDSAY LOHAN: You're just...it's...um. I'm...nothing. I really should go say hello to Meryl --

SHARON STONE: FUCK MERYL STREEP I'M TELLING YOU THINGS. So THEN you decide to make a REALLY PORNY SEQUEL to the movie where you show your cooter LIKE I MEAN REALLY PORNY and THEN you show up at the OSCARS in a dress that shows your NIPPLES and HAS UGLY PURPLE APPLIQUES OF BUTTERFLIES and you do your make-up using the FREE SAMPLES AT RITE AID with your eyes CLOSED. And then --

LINDSAY LOHAN: Oh god.

SHARON STONE: THEN you do your HAIR in a WIND TUNNEL! And then everyone WONDERS what the hell happened to you. ISN'T THAT A GREAT PLAN FOR YOUR CAREER?

LINDSAY LOHAN: [polite laughter] I really need to go now. But it's been great talking to you.

SHARON STONE: I used to be YOUNG LIKE YOU. CALL ME!

Globe Fever: Classic Fug

The day Sharon Stone stops thinking she's every man's dominatrix fantasy is the day Courtney Peldon wins a Golden Globe. Look at this woman -- she's a nutjob, and proud of it. Are those her nipples I can see through that shiny armor? Are those hot pants she's wearing under those strips of filmy fabric?

You know what? It doesn't matter. They are what she says they are, because she makes the rules, you weak little maggot, so get down on your knees and beg mommy for a cookie before she rips out a hunk of your hair and spanks you with a slice of Honeybaked Ham.