Fug Quiz: Busey or Nolte?

Many moons ago, back when Britney washed her hair and we didn't know what a Kim Kardashian was, we amused ourselves with a little game called "Busey or Nolte?" It involved distinguishing between Gary Busey and Nick Nolte in photographs -- which wasn't always that hard, but certainly used to be much tougher. Time and plastic surgery have torn them apart like Shakespearian lovers.  Also, I'm pretty sure the game is up forever because there is no way Nick Nolte is going to berate Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars and then try and chug a pint of Jennifer Garner's blood. 

But the spirit of celebrity doppelgangers remains, born for us in them but living on in others. Today, we're honoring its manifestation in two slouchy, sloppy blondes with crappy taste in men. I present: Miller or Moss?

Waif-watchers in the UK know that Kate Moss and Sienna Miller inhabit a similar style, which some might suggest -- and have suggested -- Sienna cribbed off the Queen of Heroin-Chic. Why anyone would WANT to do that is beyond me, but honestly, I'm okay with living in a world where I don't understand what's going through Sienna Miller's head. I don't need to be haunted with dreams in which I am ENJOYING Rhys Ifans dancing naked in my living room with a shoebox on his head, or whatever it is that he does when they're together.

If you are stumped on whether that's Bedhead 2.0 or Original Flavor, this might help -- as it happens, both Miller AND Moss were in attendance at this party, and here they are pictured together:

Does that help? Which one do you imagine would shove her hands in the pockets of her wrinkled shorts and appraise the other with a smirk on her face, while the other laughs it off and tries to pretend they're The Best Of Friends and that it's just a COINCIDENCE that they have the same hair and highlights?

Aha, yes, you got it: Sienna on the left, Kate on the right. And hairdresser James Brown in the middle, but that doesn't matter, because he's probably way too well-adjusted and hygienic to belong to either woman.

This does at least answer my question about whether Kate and her clone coming into contact would somehow rip a wormhole into the fabric of the universe. So far I think we're safe, and a swarm of locusts is not about to alight on The Ivy, although I'm withholding judgment on whether anything is awry until Sienna's next movie comes out. Whatever it is, if anyone actually likes it, we might be through the looking glass.

Twentyfug Twelve

In a round-table discussion between Fey New York Theater Critics that we saw on a local channel, we learned that Claire Danes is reportedly playing Eliza Doolittle in a revival of Pygmalion.

What nobody mentioned is that Sienna Miller will be co-starring as her boozy, disastrous father Alfred P. Doolittle. Clearly, she's been rehearsing nonstop. Now that's a work ethic.

Fug the Cover: Sienna Miller

Oh, Vogue. Why you gotta play me like this?

I'm not even going to mention the Giant Heavy Brows -- which aren't at all flattering to her, although I personally think a heavier brow is often nicer than a too-thin Kelly Taylor Circa I Choose Me brow. So it's not like I am leading some kind of Anti-Brow Brigade, I just think that what looks good on some faces looks positively Crayola on this one -- or the ridiculous fact that EVERY SINGLE HEADLINE is alliterative ("Fashion's Feistiest Icon" and "Perfect Political Partner" and "Fearless Fashion" AND "Magician of Makeup"? Was there no room for "Piles of Positively Peerless Pants" or "Scads of Seriously Sexy Skirts" or "My Mailman Refuses to Deliver This Because It Weighs More Than Some Babies"? Wait, that last one doesn't have any alliteration. My bad). Or the fact that she's dressed like an ostrich. I mean, it's Vogue. Someone has to be dressed like a bird or Anna won't let them go to press. But what I primarily take issue with here is her terrible, terrible, terrible hair. This is what my hair looks like when I get back from the gym (we're pretending that I go to the gym this week). This is what my hair looks like when I'm trying that thing you do where you give up shampoo in the hopes that your hair "gets used to" being washed less often and you only have to wash it like once a month and it's still all full and shiny (this usually lasts approximately three days before my hair starts looking like...this. And then I wash it). I find it very hard to believe that Vogue couldn't do a more flattering up-do. Something a bit less Shit My Poli Sci Paper Is Due Tomorrow And I Haven't Even Started It and something a bit more I'm The Best God Damn Dancer In the American Ballet Theatre! Who The Hell Are You?

I mean, Vogue IS supposed to be aspirational, right?

Fugenna Miller

Say what you will about Sienna Miller's taste in clothes; she's still a really cute girl. In fact, her face is usually the thing that works about what she's wearing -- as in, "Why is such a pretty girl wearing a moldy old tarp that's probably caked in refuse?"

Ergo, it's distressing to see that for her trip to Rome, she chose to hire a box of crayons to do her makeup.

I know that for a big event honoring Valentino's life's work, she is probably required to wear something by Valentino. But frankly, Penelope Cruz at this year's Oscars kind of ruined me on dresses with dramatic feathery skirts. Hers was elegant and fanciful; by comparison, this one looks like somebody stole a red spandex number from the closet of one of my grade 9 classmates and finished the skirt by sewing on the skin of 100 Tickle Me Elmo dolls. Eye-catching, yes, but also potentially disturbing to small children.

But generally, I'm not looking at the dress, because I'm trying so hard to decide which of Crayola's many glorious brown shades -- Raw Sienna? Chestnut? Antique Brass? Or plain old Brown? -- she decided to use as her eyebrow pencil. It's a tad overwhelming. She just doesn't quite look like herself, as if this is her overly shiny and apple-cheeked wax replica, posed awkwardly as if she's ushering tourists into Madame Tussaud's Hall of Questionable Talent.

The Mysteries of Fug

First of all, I really, really hope that Sienna Miller and Dennis Hopper are dating, just because I think it would make a good story, although I suspect his wife wouldn't agree with me:

Second of all: Dear Sienna, that Fastening Your Shoes Over Your Trousers Thing is never going to catch on. You've been trying it for years, and I simply can't believe it's because you think it looks so rad.  Third of all: while your septuagenarian date looks casual but sharp, and certainly appropriate for this particular event (the concert Princes Harry and Wills threw in honor of their mother's 46th birthday and 10th anniversary of her death, with proceeds going to her pet charities) you look like you're running late for your shift at a local vegan food cooperative. Isn't there supposed to be a "My Name Is: SIENNA" tag on that vest?

On the other hand, I suppose it's better than this:

Which is rather like saying that scrubbing your mouth out with soap is marginally better than rinsing it out with bleach.

Factory Fug

You know, usually I'd be all, "I like that dress better when Carrie Bradshaw wore it on the side of a bus," and "Leggings? THEY'RE SO OVER" about this:

But honestly, I totally don't even care anymore.  Wear whatever you want, Sienna:  Wear leggings with formal shorts and Uggs, covered in a dress over jeans with your boob hanging out. I'm bored of you now.

BAFTA Awards Fug Carpet: Sienna Miller

When she finds a genre, Sienna Miller really goes for it. First it was boho, and now it's octagenarian: she went from granny panties to Granny's sofa.

Hey, give the girl a hand -- at least she's committed.

Fugtory Girl

Inside a Factory Girl party, Anna Wintour is caught out without her signature huge dark sunglasses, and remembers too late that half the reason she needs them is because she has no poker face.

SIENNA: Oh, bollocks, look at THAT, it's Anna Wintour! Editor of Vogue! Isn't it amazing that we're both here together -- a total fashion icon on one side, and Anna Wintour on the other!

ANNA: ...

SIENNA: Look, Anna babe, I've got this fab idea for your cover. It's gonna be me, right? Wearing THIS: a fuzzy sweater and nothing but tights as pants. It'll be, like, neanderthal lady meets Shakespeare. But with some serious control top.

ANNA: ...

SIENNA: Of course I don't need control top, Anna! It just keeps my bits warm for whoever gets them later. Between you and me, I'm thinking maybe the Harry Potter lads. Several of them, actually.

ANNA: ...

SIENNA: Anyway, your cover with me is going to make everyone talk, you know, because EVERYONE will be wearing this soon enough and I'm offering YOU the chance to be at the front of the line.

ANNA: ...

SIENNA: By the way, I really like your coat, can I borrow it? I'd like to cut it up into one of these shirts, and then maybe make a pair of furry trousers out of it that I can wear once everyone ELSE is wearing control-top tights-pants, and I suddenly become incredibly bored with them.

ANNA: ...

SIENNA: Come on, Winty, give us something more than just a robotic smile. Are you thinking about how to express how avant-garde I am? Or are you just speechlessly pleased to find someone who understands fashion even more than you do? Or do you want to have a go at my tights-pants? Come on, let's hit the Ladies, you can slip them on.

ANNA: ... Repulsive. Repulsive. You are an utterly ridiculous girl.

SIENNA: Er... uh, what? Sorry, can't hear you, babe! Too loud in here. Anyway, must dash. I see a camera over there that I haven't hit up yet. Kiss kiss!

ANNA: Somebody fire her. Immediately.

Well Played: ...FINE. Sienna Miller

Well, they say that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. And so it has come to pass that I have stumbled upon a photograph of Sienna Miller at Sundance and thought, "Heavens, I quite like her coat."

Is it possible that, beneath her coat, she's wearing a torn and saggy promotional tee shirt from Discover Card, belted with a vine? Yes. But right here, she looks pretty cute. It's kind of a relief to see her so toned down -- no crazy hat, no hot pants. It's very simple (almost boring, even, although the cut and color are classic and classy), and it turns out that, without all that crap distracting us, she's actually very pretty.

Also, we're pretty sure that she and Steve Buscemi here are going to be the next big couple. Call them Buscemiller.

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Sienna Miller

While it pains us to admit that we rather like Sienna Miller's dress -- the bodice looks like it's been painted with the kind of gold leaf used on expensive chocolates, which is actually a compliment, because we have never met an expensive chocolate we didn't adore -- we are really not terribly fond of her sloppy milkmaid-who-just-rolled-in-the-mountain-glen-with-a-randy-goatherd coif. We're all for clandestine trysts, but alpine afterglow isn't perhaps the most ideal red-carpet fashion statement.

Unless she's trying to communicate slyly that if you have something to be milked, her skilled fists can take care of it. If that's the massage -- oops, er, I mean message -- then, well, she'll be the most popular wench at the barn.