December 01, 2004
For the Love of Fug
For the LAST TIME, Hilary, YOU HAVE NO NECK. Ergo, YOU CANNOT TURN IT INTO AN ACCESSORIES RACK. Perhaps a delicate scarf or wrap, but not every single damn one in your massive closet. It looks like your wardrobe is trying to throttle you -- or as if you are a storeroom mannequin at Claire's, on which the employees draped a bunch of leftover stuff they couldn't put out in the actual shop.
November 01, 2004
Duffman on The Simpsons had better guard his nickname -- he's getting some serious competition for it from Haylie, a.k.a. The Unfortunate And Unfortunately Mannish Duff Sister. She just reeks of "off-duty drag queen" to me. And also probably of Britney Spears' "Curious."
I really wish she'd start wearing colors that didn't all distract the eye in a million directions. Just check the fugculus (fug + calculus) of her ensemble: White sweater + champagne shirt + orange/red necklace + green shoes + black bag = Color scheme of a child's finger-painting accident.
October 28, 2004
My Fugly Ending
Remember that Sweet Valley High book where Elizabeth gets in the motorcycle accident and ends up in a coma and when she comes out of it, she thinks she's Jessica and so she acts all slutty and difficult and almost sleeps with Bruce Pattman -- even going so far as to let him touch her boob! -- until, right before she gives it up to Bruce, she drunkenly rolls over and conks her head on the coffee table, and that knocks the Elizabeth back into her?
I think that's what's happened to Hilary Duff:
Except, for "Jessica," read "Avril Lavigne." And, as clearly demonstrated by the photo above, Hilary/Elizabeth has not yet slammed her head against any furniture. So, by my calculations, this means that Hilary is about 15 minutes away from letting that kid from Good Charlotte grab her left breast.
Paparazzi, remain vigilant!
August 30, 2004
VMA Fug Carpet: The Duffs
Hilary's recipe for dressing up as if she belongs at a rock event:
1. When in doubt, wear black, especially smeared under your eyes.
2. The more suspiciously superfluous straps, the better, especially if at least one is falling down off your shoulder.
3. Gold chains make anything look hard-core -- when you think you've got on exactly the right number, add two more.
4. Do not be afraid to mix metals, such as heavy gold accessories with heavy silver trim on your shoes. It gives the appearance of not having tried.
5. If you have stumpy gams, share them! Mere hours before the ceremony, take scissors -- the world's greatest fashion tool! -- and hack off the bottom of your designer trousers to create a kicky shorts-based ensemble.
6. Slouch! And then, slouch more.
7. Bring a tranny with you so that everyone will be buzzing about whether it's a pre-op or a post-op, instead of talking about your lame outfit.
August 10, 2004
Our Fugs Are Sealed
It appears that the overwhelming desire to fun oneself up is genetic. Take the Duff sisters [please, as the old joke goes]:
I am rather unsure of where to begin here -- there's the unfortunate headgear, the 2001-style hair extensions, the hot pink microphone -- but let's kick this off by stating the obvious: the Duffs are prime examples of individuals who don' seem to know how to dress around their figure flaws.
Hilary is guilty of this on a regular basis [Hilary, sweetpea? You don't have a waist or a neck. Stop pretending you do and start investing in v-neck tops.] For example, in this instance? Hilary, prepare yourself, because I'm not going to mince words: those are some hefty upper arms. Made heftier-looking by virtue of the fact that Hilary seems to have decided that it would be flattering if everything she wore was sort of vaguely skin-colored and a wee bit too small, the better to make her look like a walking sausage-casing [topped, of course, by the Pucci newsboy cap that she fished out of Sarah Jessica Parker's garbage bin back in 2002.] What you can't tell from this photo, by the way, is that Hilary's already unflattering pants are actually mid-calf-length capris. Which she's wearing with Converse, the better to showcase her cankles, I presume.
Hilary, Hilary, Hilary. Listen, I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm a short girl, too, and while I've been lucky enough to escape the heartbreak of cankles, I can veer into Stumpytown if I'm not careful. Don't wear mid-calf-length capris with flats if you want your legs to look anything other than chopped off and tubby. Heels. Heels are your best friends. Wear them around the house. Wear them as slippers. Wear them in the shower. Wear them. And if you insist on flats, wear pants that skim the ankle, not the tubbiest part of your short little legs. Being young doesn't automatically insure that you look good in everything. And you could investigate wearing sleeves. Or lifting a weight now and then. Your call. Also, stand up straight. And that hair is only emphasizing the fact that, as formerly mentioned, you have no neck. You should maybe look into that.
And speaking of looking like fug despite the advantage of extreme youth, let's tackle Haylie, who, I must admit, doesn't really have the advantage of extreme youth as she appears to be approximately 36 years old. So, that shirt she's wearing? It's a knit tank top with sequins across the front. The better to emphasize what looks like a little beer belly. [And bless the beer belly. I fight it every day, and sometimes I lose. That's why I don't wear super tight knit tops on television.] Also, I'd like to congratulate her for wearing [mismatched, no less] pants with the pockets and zippers placed exactly where Ms Haylie appears to carry most of her weight: the hips and ass. Well played! Well-played indeed!
Look, I'm pleased that neither Duff is a lollypop. Go Fug Yourself doesn't recommend anorexia as a style choice, especially when the celebrity in question appeals primarily to teens. Teens: sandwiches are good! Keep eating them! However, when a girl has some body fat -- and most of us do -- she needs to work with it, not against it. [Look at Sara Rue, of ABC's Less Than Perfect. She's nowhere near a size 2, and she always looks adorable. Because she apparently owns a mirror.] Just because you can button it doesn't mean you should put it on.
And both of you, stand-up straight, for the love of God.
August 02, 2004
So Fug Today
HEM YOUR PANTS, child. And wipe off the whore lipstick. You're only sixteen -- you have two years before you can become a public skank.
But mostly, get a tailor. Short people need clothes that don't swallow their feet.
July 12, 2004
Two Duffs Are Fuglier Than One
Dear Duffs: Please stop trying to foist upon us your other and less attractive spawn, Haylie (left). It's bad enough that we have to deal with Lizze McGuire mistakenly believing she's the cutest of the tween queens, and being deluded into thinking she has actual musical talent. Her singing voice sounds as if she is speaking the words through a kazoo; if the rumor about Haylie secretly doing some of the vocals on Hilary's album is true, then both their mouths should be duct-taped in perpetuity.
If you insist on trying to make the public remember that Haylie even exists -- without forcing her to go brunette, like Asslee Simpson and Nicky Hilton and all the other forgotten blonde siblings -- then please warn her to cease and desist trying to reinvent old bridesmaid's dresses by adding pants to the mix. That outfit is a nightmare.
In related news: Chad Michael Murray has reimagined himself as a fugly hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and David Beckham.
Oy. Close your mouth, Hilary.