September 01, 2006
VMA Fug Carpet: Leonor Varela
Apparently sick of people complimenting her figure (how tiring!), Leonor Varela created a diversion: She donned a confusing, malformed gold-satin atrocity with an unexplained stomach patch, made sure it pulled and strained awkwardly around every last curve, and then wrinkled the skirt in the limo before walking the carpet.
Congratulations, Leonor. It was indeed the perfect way to create confusion. I'm officially befuddled.
VMA Fug Carpet: Amy Lee and Jared Leto
Okay, you regular GFY readers have learned a few things about me in the past 2 years. For example, I enjoy the work of Shannen Doherty, and I have a dirty, inexplicable, painful love for Lindsay Lohan that not even her current love of formal shorts can kill. I love George Clooney. I hate leggings. And so forth. But I have kept secrets from you, my readers, and one of my many secrets is that I love match-making. Because beneath my bitchy, evil exterior beats the heart of a secret romantic. And I think I have found a match on the VMA's red carpet. Reaquaint yourself with Amy Lee, and then meet her new one true love:
And her soulmate:
He's PERFECT for her, right? You know how they say that couples who've been together for years and years start to look like each other? They've already got a headstart! AND they presented an award together, which is how all great romances start. Oh, it's going to be so great. They can share eyeliner and talk about Robert Smith together! She can nurse him through the gout! Plus, if Lindsay Lohan tries to get back together with him, Amy will cut her, and while I don't want to see Lindsay injured, I would like to keep her away from El Leto. Everyone wins!
August 31, 2006
VMA Fug Carpet: Monica
I love cheese. And who among us who loves cheese hasn't thought, at least once, "If only I could work a cheese grater into my clothing, in case I need to shred some Double Gloucester at a moment's notice, then I would be a fulfilled human being." I mean, you never do know when you'll be in a cheese-greating emergency.
Clever Monica for finding a way to turn my dream into a reality.
August 30, 2005
VMAs: Eva Longoria
Okay, I realize this was part of the whole "anything can happen" theme of the evening, but...
It was only seven years ago that Eva was Miss Corpus Christi. Ergo, her strutting onstage in a complex, confusing bathing suit looking every inch like a pageant princess -- not to mention the fact that she'll do anything for attention, and seriously, WHAT is going on with her hair? -- is not, in fact, terribly surprising. More shocking would have been her showing up in pants and a sweater, without makeup, while loudly declaring herself celibate. Now there's a jaw-dropper.
Trust me, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
Let's be clear: I don't like the dress -- mostly, the colors and the bodice. Oh, and the sash. Basically, the whole thing isn't really my cup of tea. She looks like a limon. Juice her and some Sprite would come out.
But... this is Fergie we're talking about here. Fergie. The Urinator. The Whizzing Bandit. The Wet Spot. The Leaky Bladder. The Trouser Golden Shower. The Ninety Year-Old Urethra. We know this woman's history. We are lucky she didn't show up in a urine-stained pair of formal shorts with a waistline somewhere near her armpits. We are fortunate she left her knee socks and legwarmers at home. The Sweet Baby Jesus is to be exalted for the fact that she doesn't look like Pippi Longstocking on a paper route. In fact, we should consider ourselves downright blessed that she appears to have showered and styled her hair.
So in sum: Dress? No thank you. Lack of suspicious stains and the appearance of an effort having been made? We'll take it, and we'll give credit where credit is due.
I'm sure it's only a momentary lapse of all-out fug.
August 29, 2005
VMA Fug Carpet: Jessica Simpson
I JUST CAN'T TAKE HER ANYMORE:
I mean seriously. ENOUGH ALREADY. ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I am officially, 100 percent, totally and completely, utterly and deeply over Jessica "Is This Tuna or Chicken?" "Buffalos Don't Have Wings!" "Aw, look at my little sister, isn't she -- NO, LOOK AT ME AGAIN!" "I Slept With Johnny Knoxville OH NO I DIDN'T HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT?" "I filed for divorce. NO, I DIDN'T. Or DID I? No. I didn't." "My dad is totally normal, I SWEAR!" "Listen, my marriage is totally awesome, REALLY." "Hey, check out my boobs!" "My ass, my ass, now let's talk about my ass!" "You too can have my Daisy Dukes body...just buy my exercise DVD! And my perfume! And my body glitter! And my line of jeans! And my SOUL!" "Hey, Star Magazine just did an entire two-page article on MY ASS, complete with EXPERT OPINIONS because everyone is JUST THAT INTERESTED IN THE RELATIVE BOOTYLICIOUSNESS OR LACK THEREOF OF MY BEHIND." Simpson.
Therefore, I decline to comment on her VMAs outfit, even though I could say that she looks like the top of half of a pirate bride paired with the bottom half of, oh, I don't know, SOME IDIOT WHO JUMPED ON THE FORMAL SHORTS BANDWAGON, but I won't, because Jessica Simpson won't go away until we all start ignoring her. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, she was never at the VMAs, she has never been to the VMAs, she has never HEARD of the VMAs, she has never had a hand in either V, or M, and she certainly doesn't deserve an A.
So let's all just go about our business and pretend this never happened.
VMA Fug Carpet: Coco
And speaking of people who needn't have bothered with the flimsy formality of fabric... it seems the repellantly self-obsessed host Sean John P. Diddy Stay-Puft Daddy Combs wasn't the only thing at the VMAs full of hot air:
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
Somebody inflated the balloons before taking off the protective netting.
Good rule of thumb: Don't dress like you charge by the hour just because your date (Ice-T) notoriously used to be a pimp. When the entire community of legal hookers in Las Vegas probably looked at you and said, "Girl, you are cheaper than top ramen," you have erred.
But if you won't be deterred, at least make sure your nipples-the-size-of-beer-cans aren't pointing in different directions. That's unsettling -- plus, nobody wants the nickname Nips Akimbo.
VMA Fug Carpet: Brooke Hogan
Brooke Hogan was in the middle of the time-honored wedding shower game Dress The Bride In A Toilet Paper Gown when she realized she was running late for the VMAs!
So she threw on her hooker shoes and ran right out to the show!
VMA Fug Carpet: Kirsten Dunst
Kirsten Dunst, everyone's favorite M.D. of The Sag, danced onto the red... er, black carpet... wearing a very familiar speckled, sparkling sack-wrap:
You might remember that little number from such debacles as, "Mischa Barton Embraces Leggings; Gets Swallowed By Oversized Glittering Drapery."
One thing for which I will give La Dunst credit: She looks way better in this thing than Mischa did. For one thing, it actually appears to fit her, and doesn't look like it weighs 50 pounds as it presses aggressively down on her twiggy frame. However, it's still a droopy disaster of a gown that's one part smoking jacket, two parts bathrobe, three parts Great Aunt Betina at her 88th birthday extravapalooza, and eighty parts exactly what the doctor ordered -- if indeed that doctor is the famed Dr. Sunkentits, and the treatment in question is an antidote to overly perky breasts.
VMA Fug Carpet: Paulina Rubio
Some people think sexiness is about leaving things to the imagination. Paulina Rubio, however, not only seems to disagree with this theory, but appears to believe that imagination doesn't actually exist and cannot be trusted to fill in our mental blanks:
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
At this point, why even get dressed at all?
Perhaps I'm being unfair -- maybe the hurricane winds blew away her dress liner.