May 29, 2008
Well Played, Jennifer Hudson
Dear Andre Leon Talley:
[Photo: Splash News]
THIS is how to make Jennifer Hudson wear a metallic. Not some tweaked gold bolero with a popped collar that looks like it was made out of Wonka Golden Tickets.
P.S. Okay, so maybe her makeup is a little too shiny in combination with the dress, but otherwise, I think she looks great. Much as revenge is a dish best served cold, her cleavage is a meal best served HOT.
P.P.S. Also, the figure she cuts is totally badass. If J.Hud were almost any other young star, she'd have wasted away to a size two by now -- even America Ferrera keeps needlessly shrinking -- so I'm thrilled she's healthy and sexy and wearing clingy clothes.
P.P.P.S. And I love her sassy bob.
P.P.P.P.S. "Sassy Bob" sounds like the name of a really terrible hair salon that has a karaoke bar in the back. Which actually automatically makes it a hilariously amazing hair salon. Can someone please open that?
May 28, 2008
Sex and the Fugly: A Well Played, and a Not So Much
I secretly -- except not, apparently, since I just said it on my blog -- love Sarah Jessica Parker's dress.
I know it looks a tiny bit like spacesuit material, or that it's been covered in cling film, but she just looks so pretty in it. Everyone is watching; why NOT go big, right? There are photos where she's walking around while playing with the skirt and stretching it out, and dammit, I would do the exact same thing if I were Princess For A Day in that gown. [Incidentally, I would also take Matthew aside and be all, "Listen, Ferris, would it KILL YOU to act like you are proud to be with me?" His left meathook is plopped onto her waist like it's radioactive, and his facial expression is saying to me, "Shoot, there's that girl whose best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who heard from the guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw me pass out at 31 Flavors last night. She is totally going to bust me for being here instead of being at home dying of some mysterious wasting disease. How much longer do I have to do this?" SNAP TO, BRODERICK. Or else, to put it in WarGames parlance, you are going to be at DEFCON1 when you get home.]
But while she gets to swan around like the bride, it's a tad unfortunate that Kristin Davis is stuck in something that makes her look like Sarah Jessica's eternal handmaiden:
I can't even tell if it's that bad. I'm too fixated on how she's got the possessed smile and forced jollity of a bridesmaid who's just been told the bouquet is being tossed in ten minutes, and the bride just got on the mic and screamed that she expects ALL THE SINGLE GIRLS TO BE THERE, FRONT AND CENTER ,with a huge wink in her direction, while oily Uncle Warthog and his halitosis just caught the garter and is stretching and twiddling it between his fingers while panting openly at her, AND the open bar just closed so she's got no liquid courage in her glass to help her through the horrible events that will doubtless ensue.
So it COULD be a nice dress, I guess -- the crumpled-paper-in-a-trashcan hem reminds me of Zac Posen's show-closing gown from the Spring '07 show, although apparently this is Donna Karan -- but next to what the Queen Bee got to wear, it's a bit of a flop. Or, to quote Tyra Banks as she delivers a sensitive monologue to a contestant with bad photos, "Wah-WAAAAAAH."
May 22, 2008
Well Played, Julia Ormond
Damn, Julia Ormond is back to looking like a total bombshell.
[Photo: Splash News]
Of course, the last time we shone our fug light on Julia she was sporting a crocheted bathing cap, so -- short of hemming this at the ankle and putting on jeans underneath -- things had nowhere to go BUT up. Hopefully she's given up the dream of land-based synchronized swimming in homemade knitwear once and for all.
May 16, 2008
Fugmantha Jones/Well Played, Cynthia Nixon
"You know, screw it. So WHAT if I lost the coin toss and had to be the one separating Sarah Jessica and Kim. BIG DEAL if Kim's fingernail is making my back bleed because she is digging into it, thinking it's Sarah Jessica's hand. Who cares? I look fantastic. AGAIN. This is my revenge for how they never let Miranda be as fabulous as the other three. Although, Kristen and Sarah Jessica look nice, too, but WHAT is going on with Kim? It's like she has a satchel sewn to her hip, and the dress is all pulled and strange... I wonder... I mean, I don't want to point fingers, but I DID see Sarah Jessica's assistant trying to bury a hot glue gun in a planter, although Kristin told me Patricia Field was just trying to decide whether it would work as a last-minute headpiece. But she might have been kidding... Oh, whatever, I can't keep up with who hates whom these days. All I know is, if I look like a million bucks one more time, they're all going to hate ME. And I'm going to LOVE IT, because I EARNED THIS, bitches. Take that, breast cancer. You lose, and I am hot, and every man here is bummed I'm not into putting sausage on the grill. RECOGNIZE!"
Cannes Fug Carpet: Well Played, Angelina Jolie (OK, and Lucy Liu)
LUCY: I kind of wish I wasn't standing here.
LUCY: I mean, you have no right to look that hot. You're having twins!
LUCY: And you're wearing a color! You almost never wear color. And it's a GREAT color.
LUCY: I thought I looked pretty cute, but seriously, no woman in her right mind should ever put herself next to you.
LUCY: I kind of want to make out with you.
LUCY: Damn right.
May 15, 2008
Cannes Red Carpet: Well Played, Cate Blanchett
Do you think Cate Blanchett ever wakes up and thinks, "Damn. I am awesome"? She should:
If nothing else, I wish she'd teach a class at the Learning Annex called, "How To Wear A Dress Exactly The Same Color As The Rest Of You Without Looking Like A Whacked-Out Blood-Thirsty Zombie." I need to know her secrets.
May 09, 2008
Well Played, Mariah Carey; Not So Much, Patti LaBelle
Maybe my heart is just soft because the drama of a sudden wedding is supremely soapy, or because Mimi has turned both her bodyguard and her new husband into frantic wranglers of gargantuan umbrellas. But I think she looks fantastic here.
[Photo: Splash News]
How cute is that? I don't CARE if the wedding may have been a giant publicity stunt to help her single, or to remind the world that her video co-star Nick Cannon still exists (I had, as a matter of fact, happily forgotten). She seems happy, and I like my Mariah smiling and divalicious, not tragic and sad and fatigued and speaking in tongues. So I choose to believe it's real, and that in ten years the Carey-Cannons will be cuddling adorable babies and skipping down Rodeo Drive shopping for shoes -- and possibly purchasing and coaching a youth soccer team they can call the Carey Cannons, because it sort of works -- instead of subjecting the reality-TV audience to copious icky conversations about the functionality of her bowels (Whitney and Bobby, I will never, ever forgive you).
Also, I want that coat-dress. It's WAY better than the one her fellow big-voiced diva Patti LaBelle recently whipped out on-stage:
If someone dared me to turn I Know What You Did Last Summer into a cocktail dress, this is what I would sketch. She could fit at least three meathooks under there -- perfect for when you need to embed one or two of the others into people's chest cavities.
May 07, 2008
Met Ball Fug Carpet: Well Played, Camilla Belle
Even though she's been at major events in New York City, Camilla Belle is still essentially an up-and-coming starlet to the rest of the world -- we'd seen her at Fashion Week for two years without knowing what her deal was, because 10,000 B.C. hadn't come out yet. And while I think I'd be tempted in her position to show up in something with maximum wackitude just for the hell of it, I still think she made a very savvy choice with this dress.
It's elegant but not boring: The icy color is gorgeous on her, the cut is romantic, and the extra flourishes are unusual without being scary. Now someone just needs to put her in a major movie that doesn't force her to wear glorified loincloths and the aura of body odor.
May 02, 2008
Well Played, Cameron Diaz
[Photo: Splash News]
ASHTON: Hey, Cameron! Nice to see you here! You look fantastic.
CAMERON: Hi, Ashton! You... are also here!
ASHTON: Oh, you're so funny. But seriously, I know you've had a really tough time lately with your father passing away and everything, so I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful and we're all here for you.
CAMERON: That's so nice, thanks, Ashton. I... like your tie.
ASHTON: ... That's it?
CAMERON: You also have good teeth, I think.
ASHTON: Come on, man!
CAMERON: What? I'm just telling it like it is.
ASHTON: Okay, I'll let it slide this time, because I meant what I said. We love you and we're all happy to see you back and feeling better and looking fantastic.
CAMERON: Aw, thanks. And I don't TOTALLY hate what you're wearing. I just wish you didn't look like you forgot to shower after hiking Runyon Canyon.
ASHTON: ...Yeah, fair enough. Let's go watch the movie and then send Justin some cameraphone pictures of your legs.
CAMERON: Ooooh, and can we do one of me dancing in my underwear and shaking my butt at the camera?
ASHTON: Duh! That's, like, your signature move!
April 17, 2008
CMT Awards Fug Carpet: Nicole Kidman
We've been a little hard on Nicole Kidman occasionally, especially how she ALLEGEDLY seems to have jacked up her former face with so much paralyzing Botox. But I have to say, I am not one of those conspiracy theorists who believes she's faking the pregnancy, because a) that's insane; b) this is not Passions, as much as I wish it were and that Zombie Kidman would start showing up at events, although maybe she DID and that explains why Nic seemed a bit bodysnatched the last year or so; c) she looks pregnant in ways that are hard to fake, like her face; d) I can't think of a good reason why Nicole Kidman would need to go through all the rigamarole to fake something like that when she's adopted before, and also, again, NOT INSANE; e) she's got a glow lately, and it really suits her.
I don't really even care about the dress, although that ruby color is fantastic on her. What grabbed me was the loose, flirty, relaxed hair and what appears to be a genuine smile -- those are things she's been missing for a while, in favor of looking really pulled-tight and rigid and wan. Now if only she would get in line behind Nicole Richie at the Los Angeles Clinic For Looking Like Healthy And Lovely Like This All The Time And Not Just When You're Knocked Up, we'd be in business.